| Tristitia Amoris (Tragic Love) |
[May. 25th, 2009|04:29 pm] |
| [ | Feeling... |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | The music in my mind... |
| | Iron Maiden - Flight of Icarus | ] |
All of us deserve to feel that sense of accomplishment when we obtain something we've desired and worked for for so long. We all deserve to know that we've won when that which we've been desperately fighting for finally finds its way around our waist. We all deserve that moment of victory.
But then again, we don't always get what we deserve.
I should be happy. In a way, I am. After all, I did get the job I've been chasing since first semester last year. That means TUITION BREAK! Looking back, the work I did not only helped build up my resume, but also support from Psych Dept. professors. I assumed it's because of all that work that I got the job. So, yeah, I should've been happy. Or, rather, I should've been happier.
So why aren't I?
Simply put, its because I don't feel like I won.
I didn't have that sense of accomplishment at the end of the task. I didn't know that I actually won what I fought so damn hard for. I didn't have that moment of victory after the competition. And yes, to me, it was a competition; one I definitely deserved to win.
Perhaps this is just my overly competitive personality acting up, but right after the "interview" with Ma'am Bo Peep this afternoon, it didn't feel like anything I did these past few months mattered at all. I didn't feel like all the fighting I did got me the job. I didn't feel like I actually won the job. It didn't feel like I got the job because I DESERVED to get it it. It felt more like them just throwing me a bone, really. No real accomplishment, no real victory, despite have gone through the work.
I'm not saying the others didn't deserve to get the job, too. They probably did considering this is the first time three were hired. Ma'am Bo Peep even expressed her concern regarding whether or not the school will allow three to be hired, let alone pay for the third person. It's just that I have this nagging feeling that I'm not being seen as just as deserving as them.
What the fuck is up with that!?
I know deep down that I deserve it. Who am I kidding?! I know deep down that I deserve it just a little bit more than them maybe. Between my experience with InTACT and helping out with a couple of profs in the dept, plus getting above average grades all the while, I think I have a bit of an edge (no offense, guys). But still, after all the work I put into it, after all the time and effort I invested, after sacrificing so much, all directed at that one goal, it doesn't feel like I won the job. The circumstances don't make me feel like I got what I deserve.
Call it a "pride thing," but mine feels just a little insulted.
A lot of you are gonna tell me to just be happy with getting the job. Imagine telling that to someone who worked hard for a whole year hoping to win gold at the Olympics only to end up winning silver. Do you think he'll ever be happy with that silver knowing the work he put in? Sure, there is a little bit of happiness there. A win is a win. But that wasn't the win he worked for. That wasn't the win he wanted. Any happiness he feels will always be inadequate.
Now, some of you will want to say, "Don't aim too high. You'll only set yourself up for greater disappointment." I think we all know how silly that is to say.
We all deserve that moment of victory after working so hard.
The sad reality is that we don't always get what we deserve. |
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