| Selfishness |
[May. 26th, 2009|06:43 pm] |
| [ | Feeling... |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | The music in my mind... |
| | Nevermore - The River Dragon Has Come | ] |
So here's the deal...
I've been saving up to buy myself a Playstation 3 for a while now. I figured that if I got the Grad Assistant job, ensuring me a 100% tuition break, I would have enough money. I even found a pretty sweet deal for P26,000. That comes with the 80Gb PS3 unit, one Sixaxis controller, and TWO original games. A sweetheart deal if there ever was one. I promised myself that as soon as I was assured of the GA job and assured of the 100% tuition break I'd go out and buy that beautiful black (or white, but "black" made the alliteration work) beast of a machine.
Yesterday, it was official. I had gotten the GA job.
Today, I'm still lacking one PS3.
If you're wondering why, it's because I don't have it in me to be so goddamn selfish.
Lemme explain. A few months ago, my mom borrowed P12,000. For groceries and such. We'd been having a bit of a hard time, what with the recession and all, so at the time, I didn't mind even though I still wasn't assured of the GA job. It was, after all, food on the table. With that P12,000 setback, I was around P9,000 short of paying tuition for 9 units, which I was planning to take for the next semester.
As the month of May crept in, I started dropping hints regarding the P12,000 that I was owed. Each time, my mom would give signals that told me she had no plans of paying me. I started to get scared. I still had no idea if I had gotten the GA job, which basically meant I wasn't sure I'd get the 100% tuition break. If I was to enroll for the first semester, I NEEDED that P12,000.
Inside, I was in a panic. I started to drop hints more often without pushing the issue too hard, but the reaction would always be the same. "Where am I gonna get the money?!" she'd say. "Kailangan pa bayaran yung tuition ni Dino!"
I was starting to get pissed. REALLY pissed.
I mean, if you're gonna borrow money, at least make sure you're good for it! Besides, I had given her at least three months leeway. I hadn't even brought it up until three whole months later and she's still not good for it!
It's a damn good thing I got the GA job. You cannot imagine the sigh of relief I let out when I found out. At least I don't have to worry about tuition anymore. That's one less need to worry about.
But then I started thinking about what I WANT...
Right now, I'm down to about P15,000. I tried to spend as little as possible over the summer, but that's no easy task for someone who gets bored quite easily. I still haven't told my mom that I got the GA job because I'm hoping she pays me back in time for enrollment. If she does, I go out and get my PS3 ASAP. However, as it is, it still doesn't seem like she has ANY plans of paying me back. Just today, when I told her how much money I had left, she asked, "O, how are you gonna pay for your tuition!?" I fell silent. I didn't know how to react to that at all. I got pissed. I kept thinking to myself, "What would've happened if I DIDN'T get the GA job!?"
At that point, I just felt helpless. Sure, tuition is no longer a problem, but what about the PS3 I've been saving up for and planning for and desiring for so long now?! How much longer will I have to wait for it? How many more of its games will pass me by? MGS4, KZ2, FFXIII, Resistance 2 - how many!? I know I'm beginning to sound like a selfish prick right about now, but what about all the things I desire for myself? Will they always take a backseat to the wants and convenience of others? Will my best laid plans never reach fruition?
I suppose I'll have to wait a few more months... Between my InTACT salary and GA salary, minus daily expenses and school materials (including books), I should be able to get it in 2-3 months.
BUT WAIT! JC just informed us Professional Facilitators of a new development. The maximum number of InTACT classes they'll be giving us this year is THREE as opposed to last year's FIVE. WHAT THE FUCK!?!
WHAT.
THE.
FUCK!?
Apparently, because of the excellent evaluations InTACT received last year (thanks MOSTLY to the Professional Facilitators, obviously) there was a sudden influx of faculty members wanting to handle InTACT classes. That, in addition to the influx of new applicants, prompted the "higher ups" to mandate a lesser maximum number of classes for the Professional Facilitators to accommodate the many faculty members.
FUCK!
First of all, and this is where my selfishness rears its ugly head yet again, what's gonna happen to our salary now? We were making barely decent money last year as it is (because we were being taxed even though, by law, we shouldn't be)! How much will we be making now with only THREE classes!? Don't the "higher ups" understand that, for a lot of Professional Facilitators, InTACT is the ONLY source of steady income!? WHAT THE HELL!?
Second, why is it that the Professional Facilitators aren't being given priority!? Why do WE have to take a backseat to those new faculty people when last year's good evaluations were due to OUR efforts!? I guess the Ateneo really treats its personnel as lesser beings compared to the almighty faculty. I guess our needs just aren't as important. I guess our efforts didn't build the strong foundation that InTACT has now. Let's face it, a lot of the faculty Homeroom Advisers SUCK! They do! Ask the freshmen! And believe me, we KNOW what the freshmen want. That's why we did so damn well! FUCK!
Finally, who is the fucker that's supposed to be fighting for the Professional Facilitators!? WHY isn't he doing what he's supposed to be doing!? WHY is he letting the "higher ups" just trample all over us with their mandates!? WHY can't he make demands for us!? I've never been one for compromise. I don't believe in compromising the principles and ideals of something just to please some people. In this case, we are compromising not only our principles and ideals by allowing this to happen, but our very selves. We are selling ourselves short. I know that measures are being taken to give us the same salary as last year, but that's hardly the point. The salary isn't the point. The point is it was the Professional Facilitators who worked hard to make InTACT what it is. Aren't we worth defending? Aren't we worth fighting for? Aren't we worth FIVE InTACT classes? I assure you, the future of those five classes is much brighter with the PFs than the faculty HAs. So, why aren't we being fought for? To please the "higher ups?" That's pathetic. I don't know if I can be a part of something that kisses ass so willingly...
Call it selfish, call it pride, call it a sense of entitlement, but I think we deserve better.
Anyways, I digress...
Because of that new development, my PS3 dreams have been pushed back a couple of extra months. God damn it...
I just don't get it. I work hard. I try, as much as possible, to earn the things I get. I give as much, if not more, than I take. I'm not a selfish person. I'm willing to give. I'm willing to sacrifice a bit. I willing to wait a bit and delay gratification. I think I deserve to be just a little bit selfish sometimes. I think I deserve to believe I deserve some things. Why, then, AM I STILL NOT GETTING WHAT I WANT!?
Can't I be just a little bit selfish, too?! |
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