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Knight of the Woeful Countenance
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| Equality of the sexes...? |
[Jan. 24th, 2006|11:45 pm] |
| [ | Feeling... |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | The music in my mind... |
| | Melancholy (Holy Martyr) - Iced Earth | ] |
We had an interesting Personality class this afternoon. The lesson was about Skinner's Behavioralism which then moved into Bandura's Social Cognitive Theory. Soon, we were talking about Gender Roles.
By this time, things had already gotten interesting as the concept of androgyny and relationships came about; one of the main questions being "What kind of pairing will be a more long-lasting and happy relationship?" The choices were narrowed down to four, the best being the androgyny-androgyny pairing and the androgyny-feminine pairing as the kind of affection and sensitivity of the feminine would be present as well as the willingness to take risks and the self-esteem of the male. These relationship pairings could prove long-lasting and happy (on both sides). ☺
Finally, the discussion reached a fever pitch when Ma'am Ebrada (I know you like seeing your name! Hihihihi! ☻) posed this questions: "Is it okay for a girl to ask a guy out?" The motivation of the question, I think, came from the androgynous gender type as he (or she in this case) must have the ability to show affection of the feminine and the WILLINGNESS TO TAKE RISKS of the masculine. So, a woman asking a man out makes for an androgynous personality. Anyway, this got the latter, and most exciting, part of the discussion going.
Almost ALL the girls, save maybe for Karla, said that it certainly wasn't okay (for a girl to ask the guy) for obvious reasons: PRIDE. Okay... I'm probably getting ahead of myself, but all the reasons given led to that. Many reasoned out that the girl might be deemed slutty or too aggressive. Others felt that it should be the men who chase and the girls who choose. These are both problematic arguments since they assume that there are societal ideals (possible social constructs) that have set these rules and standards. This, however, cannot be very valid since, more and more, women are asking for "equality of the sexes" while they themselves are asking for special treatment. No one said that it is a gender role of a woman NOT to ask a man out on a date and instead wait for the man to come to her. Also, girls then become prisoner's of these so-called social constructs; most of which have unknown origins. They are chained to what "society" deems "normal." That is, if this was truly their argument. Still, the girls in the class defended their side, saying that the burden of proving one's worth is on the man and the woman's job of choosing if just as difficult. For me, I doubt if a woman can ever really appreciate a man if she cannot go out on that limb, take the risk, and be the one to "ask" because she will never know the kind of burden it is for a man to step into the unknown - not knowing if he or she will be rejected. I think the girls who are not for girls asking guys out COULD BE afraid of both the responsibility of the risk and the risk of being rejected itself. But risk is necessary... Hell, even failure is. While it may be a risk also to say yes or no (because one never knows how the man will react), that risk weighs little on the woman's heart. Believe me, rejection is far worse than that. Women will very seldom feel that sense of stepping into the unknown as they will have already learned much about the guy during the courtship to give a sound yes or no. The man can never know if it's a yes or no... The man can never be sure. Some also argued that asking a guy out might send wrong signals that you like him. Well... If you WANT to ask him out, doesn't that imply that you like him!?
Ma'am, who was actually on the side of "women asking men out is okay," argued well saying that it is very possible for a woman to live her whole life with that regret, the not knowing "what could have been." And at the end of their lives, especially cancer patients, they yearn for another chance to KNOW what could have happened between her and the man. Ma'am could not understand WHY it's not okay because no one made up these strict guidelines. They were just constructs followed by the society because, back then, Congruence (masculine-feminine pairing) was the majority. It was expected that the woman was not aggressive, so she really wouldn't ask the man out. But in today's society, androgyny is so prevalent that the passive woman is only a part of the whole womanity. A lot of women are so much more cut-throat and aggressive than men. Many argued that it's not like women don't tell a guy how she feels. Rather, they GIVE HINTS. Ma'am responded by saying, "Why do we need all these games!?" Amen ma'am.
Then, I asked, what I think, was a pivotal question: "Ano ba talaga ang mawawala sa mga babae if they are the ones who ask?" The almost-collective answer was simple and quite telling (no offense to anyone). It was PRIDE. What they said verbatim? "PRIDE." Anton put it quite bluntly, saying, "Girls just like to be sought after." Yes, I think so, too. Girls like that feeling that a guy is chasing them. It's ver self-satisfying, yes, but damn it's just wrong. Both parties, as I have always preached, must be willing to take that risk! The man needs that kind of affirmation, too. Not just the affirmation that comes with a girl "accommodating" the man, but the kind of affirmation that says, "Look, I'm willing to risk as much for you, too." But women are too afraid, as many mentioned, of soiling their reputation. (I always have to mention that it was THEY who mentioned these because I so do not want to be the catalyst for another issue. Anything written here was implied from things they said. They're pretty clear.) Reputation, again, is society based. (Ma'am, isn't that masculine? They care so much about reputation, so doesn't that count as self-esteem?) Again, the society is chaining them down. They're not free. "Chained by your certitude, you are a slave." Sure, it's safe, but it's a prison. Pride is a prison.
I think it good to point out that equality of the sexes becomes an issue as well because, as I said, while women ask for the same privileges and rights a man has, they are not too keen on some responsibilities men carry as masculine people. I understand that women are asking for the same amount of respect and dignity that men give each other, but that respect and dignity comes, also, from the risks the man takes.
I went to the range after an vaguely-resolved class and posed the question to some team mates (and Maine's brother Charson). Of the three girls I had asked, none were for women asking men out. Same reasons with an addition of it not being SAFE. As Maine mentioned, one never knows what the man might do to the woman. Then again, does a man know what the woman might put him through, too? That's what risk is people... Walking into the unknown with a known cause. Maine also again pointed out the idea of wrong signals, that the guy might think the girl likes him already. But then again, isn't that the point of asking the person out (as I mentioned above)? In the end, I really think it was the FEAR of rejection that the girls were thinking about. Equality of the sexes people... Risk is a part of a man's world.
By the end of the night and now as I write this paper, I still cannot see the sense in women not thinking asking men out is okay. I still can't understand it. But that's why they're women. No man can understand them! I'm not sexist, no. I hate sexists as Anton does. I simply think it unfair. Unfair because women want to be treated like men except for the bad side... The best, and only the best, of both worlds.
I don't understand them.
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To place our ideas, our dreams, before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
Risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love...live. Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; he has forfeited freedom. |
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| Comments: |
if a girl can ask a guy out without the fear of losing face (insert the word PRIDE here) or without fear of rejection or even the fear of being perceived as an aggressive slut, the world will be a better place.
oh yeah, and if a guy can fully accept (again, insert the word PRIDE here) that a girl just asked him out, the world would be in perpetual bliss.
maybe not the world. but nevertheless, a handful of people would surely be equally satisfied...
if a girl can ask a guy out without the fear of losing face (insert the word PRIDE here) or without fear of rejection or even the fear of being perceived as an aggressive slut, the world will be a better place.
oh yeah, and if a guy can fully accept (again, insert the word PRIDE here) that a girl just asked him out, the world would be in perpetual bliss.
maybe not the world. but nevertheless, a handful of people would surely be equally satisfied...
From: (Anonymous)
2006-01-25 01:45 pm (UTC)
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"the only this achieved in life without effort is failure"
Risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love...live. Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; he has forfeited freedom
yes, to risk is something that has to be done... we can never always wait, we cannot always stay the same way... that's one of the reasons why Rome well...it didn't want to expand...it didn't want to risk anymore
yes, when we risk, it's not a guarantied victory... we MAY fail or lose...
but look at the word lose/ losing/ loser etc.
it implies something
(in the context of, let's say boxing [go manny!!!])
it implies that the "loser" competed and lost to the winner...
BUT the loser was able to step into the ring and fight
i implies that he wanted to win
at least the person tried...the person took a risk
(not sure if correct)
"aim for the stars, if you fail, you'll land in the coulds"
save for the quotation, i didn't use "he"
both parties should risk...
"i'd rather have a life of failures than a heart full of regret"
-MiG Ayesa
From: (Anonymous)
2006-01-25 08:37 pm (UTC)
From Pinay New Yorker (strayed in here from Bikoy's blog) | (Link)
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First let me tell you I'm an almost 40-year-old first time Pinay mom living in New York. I've been married 5 1/2 years now with a year and eight month old baby. During my 34 years of single-blessedness, I learned that asking a guy out is not as much of a death sentence as others thought it to be. In fact, it sped up the pace and just saved both parties the agony of wasted time. Of course it goes both ways. You can ask a guy out and have a grand time and see something nice come out of it. You can also ask a guy out and suffer rejection but one of the rules I live by is that you'll never know unless you ask. At your age, pride still plays a big part in your dating decisions. Later on, (give or take a couple of years more), you'll find that girls are more upfront and pride is not as much a concern as getting what one wants in the end. You have to risk big to win big. If you choose not to take that risk, then it's your loss, not the world's.
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/88762802/1771121) | From: ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) quixotic_eyes
2006-01-26 01:47 am (UTC)
Re: From Pinay New Yorker (strayed in here from Bikoy's blog) | (Link)
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I quite understand and thank you very much for your words of experienced wisdom. ☺ I just pray the the girls I know attain the kind of wisdom you have.
From: (Anonymous)
2006-03-22 07:52 pm (UTC)
Re: From Pinay New Yorker (strayed in here from Bikoy's blog) | (Link)
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yeah yeah, but how can you ask a guy out without sounding slutty?
Give examples, please
| From: quixotic_eyes
2006-03-23 09:33 am (UTC)
Re: From Pinay New Yorker (strayed in here from Bikoy's blog) | (Link)
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You just ask. It doesn't have to be flowery, or seductive, or pretentious. Just say something like, "Hey, you wanna catch a movie?" If the guy takes it as something sexual, is he really the kind of guy you want to be with? | |
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