| The Little Prince on Graduation Day: Goodbye |
[Apr. 1st, 2008|07:51 pm] |
| [ | Feeling... |
| |  indescribable | ] |
| [ | The music in my mind... |
| | Himig Heswita - Huwag Limutin | ] |
Texts taken from The Little Prince, Chapter 9.
It has been four days since graduation. It wasn't as dramatic as I thought it would be. Ma'am Eileen Tupaz put it perfectly, saying, "I doubt if people wobbling around in blue gowns should be very dramatic." Still, I can't help but look back on it, especially when accompanied by Antoine de Saint Exupery and the Little Prince. And only now do I shed a tear for that last day. Only now did it hit me. It wasn't simply due to narrative necessity. It was what the Little Prince, too, experienced.
I believe that for his escape he took advantage of the migration of a flock of wild birds. On the morning of his departure he put his planet in perfect order. He carefully cleaned out his active volcanoes. He possessed two active volcanoes; and they were very convenient for heating his breakfast in the morning. He also had one volcano that was extinct. But, as he said, "One never knows!" So he cleaned out the extinct volcano, too. If they are well cleaned out, volcanoes burn slowly and steadily, without any eruptions. Volcanic eruptions are like fires in a chimney.
On our earth we are obviously much too small to clean out our volcanoes. That is why they bring no end of trouble upon us.
Did we clean out all our volcanoes? Did we take care of all our unfinished business, whether big or small so as to ensure that no eruptions will chase us?
All the loose ends that needed to be tied up should have been tied up. Nothing should have been left undone that should have been done. Nothing is worse than regrets. Nothing is more haunting than an imperative that was never met. Nothing is as saddening as imagining what "could have been." Truly, "One never knows." All these "could haves," "should haves," and "would haves" are better off killed by that one little "DID."
Graduating was happier for those who DID. They were no longer looking over their shoulder at volcanoes waiting to erupt. They just enjoyed that last day. Everything they had done their whole college lives had prepared for this moment.
The little prince also pulled up, with a certain sense of dejection, the last little shoots of the baobabs. He believed that he would never want to return. But on this last morning all these familiar tasks seemed very precious to him. And when he watered the flower for the last time, and prepared to place her under the shelter of her glass globe, he realized that he was very close to tears.
Did we cherish those last moments? Did we choose to hang onto even the simplest moments, images forever etching them in our memory, even as they faded away?
Final exams, clearance, grad pictures, Blue Roast, and all the little things that littered the way to graduation are all moments that could have been cherished. Even the most mundane of memories, such as getting one's grades, seeing as one will be doing them for the last time, become all the more special. Things that seemed so ordinary before become beautiful. They make the road to the end not only endurable, but enjoyable, too. And turning those moments into memories allowed us to take with us something that could never be taken away. Memories are the treasures that bring joy to the heart whenever it is gazed upon and we can never be robbed of them. In times of extreme sadness, in "dry season," memories of the beauty of yesterday can revitalize the heart and wash away the tears. That's why those last moments, the moments closest to the end, should be cherished and kept. They're the memories that we remember first when we remember the end.
"Goodbye," he said to the flower.
But she made no answer.
"Goodbye," he said again.
The flower coughed. But it was not because she had a cold.
"I have been silly," she said to him, at last. "I ask your forgiveness. Try to be happy..."
He was surprised by this absence of reproaches. He stood there all bewildered, the glass globe held arrested in mid-air. He did not understand this quiet sweetness.
"Of course I love you," the flower said to him. "It is my fault that you have not known it all the while. That is of no importance. But you--you have been just as foolish as I. Try to be happy... Let the glass globe be. I don't want it any more."
"But the wind--"
"My cold is not so bad as all that... The cool night air will do me good. I am a flower."
"But the animals--"
"Well, I must endure the presence of two or three caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies. It seems that they are very beautiful. And if not the butterflies--and the caterpillars--who will call upon me? You will be far away... As for the large animals--I am not at all afraid of any of them. I have my claws."
And, naïvely, she showed her four thorns. Then she added:
"Don't linger like this. You have decided to go away. Now go!"
For she did not want him to see her crying. She was such a proud flower...
And of course, goodbyes. Did we say them? More importantly, did we say them to people that mattered most? Did we say the things we wanted to say? The things we needed to say? The things that just had to be said? "Goodbye," "I'm sorry," "I love you," - did we say them?
Were we like the flower, who waited until the very last moment to say all those things and then pushed the Little Prince away because of pride? It's very easy not to say those things. There are just so many things that tell you not to. Fear, the possibility of rejection, disappointment, pride - just so many things. And yet, more than the fear, rejection, and disappointment, regret weighs even more heavily. Not having said what your heart beat every day of college to say is more heartbreaking than rejection, especially when there's a possibility of not ever seeing that someone again.
Furthermore, it's very easy to push people away because of pride. Sometimes we feel as though we deserve something from people, as if they owe us something. We wait for them to say "Goodbye" to us, wait for them to look for us, wait for them to remember us. As if we're such a big deal to them. Other times we feel as though we're so much better, as if we don't need to say those things. This prevents us from saying "I'm sorry," or even "I love you," because we feel as though they don't deserve it. As if our words are too important to give to them, our dignity to high for us to go out the greet them. Like the flower, we sometimes push other people away because of pride. And in our pride, we hide our tears, the jewels of proof that say how much that person or those persons mattered. "Pride has built a wall so high that I can't get through," goes the song Still Loving You.
And then we surround ourselves with beautiful distractions so that we don't think about the people who mattered. We give ourselves to good jobs, careers, prestigious schools, and honors and tend to forget the people that made the experience worthwhile. We suffer the pain of the caterpillars and indulge in the beauty of the butterflies because the Little Prince of our lives is gone. We try to forget our own Little Princes.
I think it's better to be the Little Prince, who, after taking care of our roses for so long, could not reduce to words all those things that must be said. All the important things, all the painful things, all the beautiful things are futilely compressed into a simple, solitary "Goodbye." To these Little Princes, the whole of college was lived with the ones that mattered to them. There would be no regrets. In the moment of parting, there would be a silent understanding that even in "Goodbye" you still care, you still love. The silence that pervades the moment, the silence that sometimes manifests itself in tears leaves us all choked up, is loaded with all the words that even words could not say. And then, you just say nothing. You hug tenderly yet firmly those who matter to you, trying to take with you a part of them, knowing you can't. And yet you grab and grope, still unable to find words. And then you realize that there are none. And then it is truly goodbye.
That graduation night, I was both to different people. I was the flower, proud and guarded still, still unable to say what needed to be said, leaving with some regrets. There were apologies I still hadn't made and words of love and care I still hadn't spoken. There are still people I want to say things to. There are still things I want to say. I don't know if I will ever be able to anymore. To these people, I'd like to say, "If I could go again all the way from from the start, I would try to right the things that killed our love."
I was also the Little Prince to those who knew that not even goodbye would be the last word. To those people, "Goodbye" is just another word that could never compare to the millions of words said between us already. Philosophy calls this the cataphatic breakdown and apophasis. Language itself breaks down because of the immensity of the feelings, the enormity of the sentiment, and there is only silence - a pregnant, loaded silence. To these people, I'd like to say nothing more.
In both instances were equally bittersweet. It's easy to say "Do not cry because it's finished, be happy for it happened." And happiness is there. But because it is finished, one cannot help but be sad.
-sigh-
I can't believe it's really over, I've really graduated. It's hard to accept that this may be a last "Goodbye" to many people. All the same, I can't do anything about it anymore. I can only remember and cherish all those things - the good and bad - that I went through with them. And tomorrow, those memories will not only warm my heart, they will be my heart To all of you to whom "Goodbye" is meant, I love you all and I'm gonna miss you. You are a part of who I am now.
Huwag limutin nakaraang araw
Sariwain kahit balik-tanaw
Takip-silim 'di man mapigilan
Sandali lang ang dilim
Aninagin ang bawat sandaling
Kagalaka'y wari walang patid
Magkasama tayo sa pag-awit
Ng 'sang Langit sa Daigdig
Minamahal kitang tunay
Ang tinig ko sa yo'y bubuhay
Sambitin mo ang aking himig
At ako sa iyo'y aawit...
Alaala ng pagkakaibigan
Sa puso itago't ingatan
Sa pagsilay ng bukas tignan
Alaala't puso'y iisa!
Minamahal kitang tunay
Ang tinig ko sa yo'y bubuhay
Sambitin mo ang aking himig
At ako sa iyo'y aawit
At ako sa iyo'y aawit... |
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