| A Deep Longing, A Metaphysical Unease |
[Apr. 4th, 2008|07:37 am] |
| [ | Feeling... |
| |  giving up | ] |
| [ | The music in my mind... |
| | Hugh Grant - Don't Write Me Off | ] |
http://youtube.com/watch?v=2dYc3PblZR8
It's never been easy for me to find the words to go along with the melody
But this time there's actually something on my mind
So please forgive these few brief awkward lines
Since I met you my whole life has changed
It's not just my furniture you've rearranged
I was living in the past but somehow you've brought me back
And I haven't felt like this since before Frankie said "Relax"
And Now I know based on my record I might not seem like the safest bet
All I'm asking you is don't write me off just yet...
For years I've been telling myself the same old story
That I'm happy to live off my so-called former glories
But you've given me a reason to take another chance
Now I need you despite the fact that you've killed all my plants
And Now I know I've already blown more chances than anyone should ever get
All I'm asking you is don't write me off just yet
Don't write me off just yet...
Please.
♣
More than four years ago, a friend of mine told me, "Don't worry, Kenny. Great things are in store for you." I don't know if she was sincere or just being nice, but at the time, a bigger part of me believed her. A bigger part of me thought that if I believed enough and worked enough and waited enough and hoped enough, then those "great things" would come.
It's four years later and nothing. Sure, there have been some pretty good things. But nothing great. Nothing that would fill my happiness to the brim. Nothing that would make me stop and say, "Give me the kiss of death and I'll gladly kiss back." Nothing.
I was just too naive. What was I thinking? Nothing great happens to me. Nothing great has happened in 22 years. What gives me the right to expect anything great to happen? History has shown me that great things only happen to people whom I think don't deserve it. People who don't have to try, who treat the great things they're given like trash, who don't care at all - they get all the best things. Should I learn to be like them? Should I NOT care? Should I NOT count my blessings? Should I NOT even try? Should I stamp out the fires of passion I tried so hard to keep burning and just give in to the cynical world?
That'd be pathetic, I agree. I've always frowned upon people who allowed their idealism and passion to die out. I've always hated people who just coasted along, who get things so easy. Call it envy if you will, but I just find them abhorrent. My admiration goes out to those who try, who hope, who yearn, and who find a certain "must-ness" to fulfill their desire - a need beyond a need. *sigh* But where has all that gotten me? Nowhere.
What do I do? How should I proceed? I just want to throw my hands up and say, "Non bonum! (I can no longer!)" I'm tired. My countenance is weak. I find myself running on empty. A real metaphysical unease. I know that I can live with the good things. Good things are, well, good. But I have a need beyond need - a desire - for the great. And until that desire is quenched, the metaphysical restlessness will not go away, like the tremors that irritate the stomach when the deepest of hunger sets in. But again, how should I proceed? |
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