| F*CK being a nice guy! |
[Jun. 26th, 2008|06:23 am] |
| [ | Feeling... |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | The music in my mind... |
| | Lost Horizon - Sworn in the Metal Wind | ] |
A while back, I read an entry from Ther's Multiply blog that featured an article called Ode to the Nice Guy.
I thought it was a load. To be honest, I still do. I found that it didn't offer anything to Mr. Nice Guy except false consolation and comforting words. But that's all. Just words and consolation so the "nice guy" doesn't get fed up. Read it. If you're a "nice guy," you'll agree with me. And recently, I found something to further strengthen my that thought.
This article was featured on Yahoo! last week. It dissects the idea that being a "nice guy" will get you anywhere.
Dating Secret Exposed: Why Nice Guys Finish Last
by April Masini
(who looks like she had one too many plastic surgeries)
Are you a nice guy who has always wondered why the cocky guy -- the one who barely appears interested in the girl -- is usually the one who gets the girl?
Have you suffered from hearing the words, "You're a really nice guy, but I only like you as a friend," from a woman who you would do (or may, in fact, have already done) just about anything and everything for -- only to turn around and watch her date (or even chase) a guy who treats her like she's nothing special? And are you stumped wondering why she would date a guy who treats her like that when she could have you who would treat her like a princess and give her everything she wants? Well, you better brace yourself because I'm going to tell you a couple of secrets that you might not want to hear.
First, "nice" equates with boring and predictable. Look up "nice" in the dictionary and you find: pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory. In other words, average -- not exceptional, not exciting, and not sexy. I'll bet you've never heard a woman say she didn't want to date a guy because he was too confident, too passionate, or too exciting -- have you? But, I'll bet you have heard women say things like, "He's such a nice guy. He's so sweet and he's always there for me, but I only like him as a friend." Or, "He's such a good guy -- kind, thoughtful, generous, honest, loyal -- but there's no chemistry. He just doesn't turn me on." Sadly, I hear it all the time. The fact is, Mr. Nice Guy, you cannot bore a woman into feeling attracted to you or into wanting to date you. And as obvious as that sounds, if you are one of those guys I described that is exactly what you are trying to do. And it won't work.
Please understand that I am not suggesting that you mistreat women or disrespect them in any way. What I suggest is that you value and respect yourself more.
To illustrate what I mean: The answer to the question, "Why does the guy who doesn't appear to care as much about the girl get the girl?" is simple: The nice guy cares too much, too soon. He has made the woman too important and too valuable and it shows in everything he says and does. He is too available, too eager to please, too accommodating, and he gives too much -- all without getting anything in return. By doing so, he has made himself appear desperate, insecure, needy of this woman's attention, affection, and approval -- and he has stripped himself of any value in her eyes. After all, if he's already doing and giving everything, without her doing or giving anything - why would she value him? She won't. She is not going to value him any more than he values himself. What she is going to do is look for someone else, someone who she perceives as being more worthy, more confident, and more valuable.
It works like this: Once you need something, or you want it too badly, you forfeit your strength and lose all power of negotiation. You are in a position of weakness and you are perceived as weak. Someone (or something) else is in control of you, the situation, and it's outcome. Men in this situation appear to be anything but confident, strong, and exciting. More, they are perceived as being unworthy and as lacking value.
Translation: Things that are easily acquired, obtained, or maintained, without any effort or sacrifice, lack value... It's human nature.
The secret to why the cocky guy wins with women, over the nice guy, is that he is perceived as being a stronger, more confident guy with more value. How? He never invests everything -- his entire being, ego, and self-worth in what one woman's response or reaction to him is. He doesn't gush with compliments; he isn't always available; he doesn't give too much; and he knows he isn't going to die if a woman says "no" to him. More, his attitude is, yeah, I'd like to go out with you, but if I can't, that's OK -- I'm a busy guy, with exciting things going on, and lots of other options.
Women make everything so much more complicated, don't they? They go chasing a guy who treats them like shit and then they bitch about it to all their friends. They bitch about it to the "nice guy," who, she knows, would never do that. And yet, all she can do is bitch. She still pursues the asshole who's probably too conceited to see her value.
But, see how that works? Women would choose the asshole, who couldn't give a rat's ass about the girl, over the "nice guy" because, as the article says, giving all of yourself isn't valuing yourself, so why should the girl value you? I think it all comes down to greed on the part of the women. Since they've gotten everything from the "nice guy," she doesn't need him anymore. She goes off to chase the asshole because she wants everything he hasn't, and probably isn't even willing, to offer. She finds herself wanting; thus, she chases the one that makes her want and not the one that gives her satisfaction. She finds herself wanting the regard of the asshole, having already completely taken the loving eyes of the "nice guy." It's GREED.
Okay, I will agree that boring people should be shot and fed to a pack of rabid dogs so that they could turn into something that fits their boring personalities more (i.e, SHIT), but not all "nice guys," I think, are boring. They only seem boring because women don't take the time to REALLY get to know them; to get to know them enough to find something interesting in them.
Reading both articles, one finds difficulty knowing where to stand. While the "Ode to the Nice Guy" says that women eventually grow out of dating the asshole, this article tells us that it would be so much more rational for the girl to NOT go for the "nice guy." I mean, the nice guy is just too desperate, too insecure, and too ready to give everything at the drop of a hat to be valued. The "nice guy" just doesn't value himself enough to deserve value.
The funny irony of it all is that most those confident and exciting guys have much greater insecurities than the "nice guys." The nice guys don't need to puff up his chest and make it known how confident he is. He's probably already comfortable with himself. Just because a man is ready to give everything to the girl doesn't mean he's desperate or insecure or not passionate. It might mean that he's ready for that. But the article seems right. Those "nice guys" are misconstrued as insecure little wimps who isn't worth valuing. The "Ode to the Nice Guy" doesn't seem to provide any evidence otherwise. And while it might be comforting for the "nice guy" to read, all the "patience in the department store, holding open of doors, party escorting services, and propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile" aren't what will make women want you at all if its readily given. They'll want you when you DON'T give it because, then, they are left wanting.
Personally, I'd like to believe in the integrity of the "nice guy." I'd like to believe that being that "nice guy" - that honest, loyal, generous, and thoughtful guy - is still the best path to a loving relationship. But all evidence, as well as experience, says otherwise. As long as women equate "nice" to "boring" and "predictable," as long as they refuse to look at the person, but what they can get from the person, then the "nice guy" will always finish last. Practicality tells us, then, to be an asshole. The article had that little disclaimer in the middle, saying that it's not telling the "nice guy" to treat women like shit. But as long as women misconstrue the niceness as insecurity and desperation, then maybe they'll misconstrue the opposite (asshole-ness) as confidence and passion.
Conclusion: It's not the men who have a problem. It's those rose-colored glasses that women refuse to remove that makes things so difficult and complicated. If you watch the movie Hitch, you'll see that it was the women who made things so complicated, because they couldn't look past themselves and at the person of the guy. Women can't seem to look past themselves, seeing their own persons as something oh so valuable and only worthy of those who seem just as valuable. The "nice guy" is of no further value if he's given it all; thus, unworthy of such a valuable specimen as a woman. The "Ode to the Nice Guy" agrees, saying, "From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches." Amen.
-sigh-
Hahaha. Oh my. I've begun to sound bitter, haven't I? Ah well, I try not to be, but it's quite hard.
So, then, what does the "nice guy" have left? That's simple. Hope. What else is there? Beyond yearning and desiring, beyond rejection and disappointment, there is only hope. After Pandora let loose all the evils into the world, one thing remained in the box: hope. He can only hope that someday she sees, that someday she notices, not only how much he's worth to her, but his heart. Levinas called it the regard for the invisible Face and it was the basis for his brand of ethics. The "nice guys" can only hope that she experiences a need beyond need; beyond practical use and want. And there, in that area inhabited by the Face and the need beyond need, the "nice guy" can hope to find love.
Yeah, maybe I'm bitter. Maybe too many disappointments have turned what's left of Peter Pan in me into Hook. But the funny thing about Hook is that his hate for Pan is founded on his hope that he (Hook), too, could fly. And beyond my bitterness, I can honestly say hope is still alive.
I just hope women wise up! Mueaheaheahehaheaheahehahea! |
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