Don Quixote's Eyes

Maiden Voyage To ROCKEOKE

2009-10-22T17:54:05Z

In a box under my bed lies a pair of year-and-a-half old shoes. Not just any shoes, mind you, but Vans Classic Iron Maiden Slip-On shoes. With "Iron Maiden" running down the sidewall, in classic Iron Maiden font, and a Union-Jack Bearing, red-coated Eddie the Head on front, this is the first and only pair of shoes that I wanted the moment I saw them and bought within days of the encounter. I couldn't love a pair of shoes more, or any piece of clothing for that matter considering the scarcity of quality Iron Maiden apparel in the Philippines.

In the year and a half that I've owned them, the number of times they'd been worn can be counted on one hand; three times, if you must know. I won't wear for just anything, or anyone for that matter. I only wear them for very special events with very special people. And given that, there are still elements that factor in when I decide whether to wear them or not. The event must take place in a indoors, without the slightest chance of the shoes getting soiled naturally (read "while walking"). Events on dirt or soil are an immediate no. Rain is okay as long as I don't have to walk in it and I don't have to walk through any muddy fields. Crowded events are fine, but if anyone steps on my babies, I will have to forcibly soil them by burying them (repeatedly) in that person's asshole.

Bottom line, I love those shoes.

Last Monday night, after more than a year of hiding, my Eddies once again saw the light of day.

The event: ROCKEOKE!

The people: Team GA!

Monday was the day when both of my remaining requirements were due (transcripts for Ma'am Lota's class). I crammed them both over the weekend and only finished Monday morning. As soon as I dropped both transcripts on Ma'am Lota's desk, relief and excitement overcame me. On one hand, I wanted to go home and just sleep the rest of the day. On the other hand, I was too excited for what lay ahead that I couldn't wait to meet up with the rest of us and just go. Luckily, there was enough work to be done that Monday to keep me active and awake all morning and early afternoon. As soon as my GA shift was over (and the work let up), I rushed home to freshen up. Didn't want to reek of work while rocking out. A quick shower later, I found myself dusting of Eddie's box and slipping on my beloved babies.

I met up with Mondy, Pam, and Chinky at around 5.30. Chinky brandished a pair of kick-ass, high-fashion boots and Pam totally beautified herself with a mildly flattering top, yet subtly elegant. XD Mondy stuck with classic Mondy fashion: t-shirt and jeans. :| It felt so good leaving the Psych Dept together on a weeknight and not be on our way to a class. Scratch that. It felt awesome. We were officially on sem break. Our collective aura was so thick Ma'am Lota picked it up on our way out. That feeling of relief transformed into relaxation. In my relaxed state, it was hard to keep the excitement hidden. We met up with Chester, our last party member, before heading out for dinner. At that point, we were expecting two more: Teddi and Apags. Over dinner (at Flaming Wings), we persuaded Chester to join us for ROCKEOKE. Surely after everything he did in high school he'd be game for singing in front of strangers (right Chester? XD)

For those of you who don't know, ROCKEOKE is an event at Mag:Net High Street every Monday night. Basically, you pick a song and, when called, get up onstage in front of everyone and, with a live band, perform like a fuckin' rock star! The rule is to perform, not just sing. They'd much rather have shit singers who perform like Angus frickin' Young (look him up peasants, he's rock royalty) than masterclass singers who perform like Norah Jones (because she sucks).

We got to Mag:Net at around 8.00. The place was still half-empty, but tables had already been reserved. We didn't have a reservation. :( Luckily, we had Pam and Chinky. XD The waiter immediately set us up with an empty table right next to the stage, adding chairs for those who were to follow. It pays to have cleave on your side, right Pam? GAHAHAHAHA! We got seated and looked through the song list.

Though the list didn't really have much to offer, at least based on personal preference, I did find a few songs I'd like to perform. Say It Ain't So and Sex On Fire were the most appealing. Soon, Chinky started getting our individual song requests. For the most part, songs aren't allowed to repeat, so we got our requests in early to ensure we'd get the song we wanted. I decided to go for Say It Ain't So since it rocked hard felt heavy. While everyone else was stocking up on liquid courage, I chose not to drink just yet. Perhaps after making a complete fool of myself will I drown my embarrassment in inebriation.

Soon after, when the songs were chosen and the piece of paper was no longer in our hands, the once relaxed excitement turned into anxious trepidation. Chester, Pam, and Chinky downed beer after beer and went out "to get some air" more and more frequently as we waited for ROCKEOKE to officially start. The wait was excruciating. I got restless and kept looking at the song list to reassure myself that I really wanted to sing that song.

At this point, Teddi texted saying she wouldn't be able to make it. Boo! FOFO na tayo Teddi. FOFO! XD

Also attending the event was AA (Fifi). It was nice seeing him again, though his presence made me a little nervous. He's all professional and shit now.

Nearing 10.00, the hosts took to the stage to prepare the audience for the show. Recognizable was Gabe Mercado. I didn't know the other two. My heart skipped a beat. I saw everyone at our table suddenly tense up. Even as one of the hosts came over to confirm our song choices, Pam, Chinky, and Chester were on their way out to "get some air" yet again. Tense moments leading up to a show. I know them well. One never really gets used to them. At least I don't. Strangely enough, I was quite enjoying the feeling. It felt like I was welcoming an old friend from a distant yesterday, awkward in the first moments, but familiar. I guess I haven't really let go of performing just yet.

Finally, the show began. The band, The Johnnys (?) took to the stage and got things going with The Beatles. Decent three-man band. Great sound. Just as the show started, Chester, Pam, and Chinky were just finishing "getting air." When the hosts took to the stage to formally start the show, a silence fell upon the audience. It was as if everyone held their breath in anticipation for who would be called first. I felt my heart pounding against my chest as the hosts described ROCKEOKE and what it expected from its participants. We were told that stage presence is more important than singing ability. Also, it is the most basic of courtesies to applaud and scream for the performer as if he or she were truly a rock star. It takes guts to go up there in front of strangers and belt out familiar rock songs. If for nothing else, applaud them for their huge set of grapefruits.

That was the setup.

"It's not easy to come up here and perform, especially when you're performing first! So, please give a warm round of applause for our first performer of the night...

...singing Say It Ain't So..."

~HO

LY

FUCKER!~

...

Surprisingly, nervous as I was, I didn't have that big of a problem going first. Sure, the initial shock was there and I would've preferred a later, but being faced with the reality, it didn't frighten me as much as I thought it would. I was more surprised by the relative speed it took me to hit the stage as soon as I was called. It's not everyday you get to get the ROCKEOKE ball rollin', and that night, the honor was mine. The thought made me smile a little, like a drug to overcome the anxiety. Besides, going first means that there hasn't been any bars or standards set yet. Setting them would be my job. Faced with strangers, it's a job I gladly welcome. So, with a little more confidence than reluctance, I took the short walk from my seat to the stage. Again, it's not everyday you get to get to be the opener for ROCKEOKE! XD

When finally I faced the audience, it all came back. The feeling of being onstage, lights allowing all eyes to fix themselves onto you. Suddenly, you're the center of attention, the reason for the moment. I saw Chester, Pam, and Chinky make their way back to our table and Fifi pass by. I was at the point of no return. All that was left was the opening chords of the song.

The band obliged.

"Shit, too low," I immediately thought to myself. As I sang the opening lines, I knew it was definitely gonna be rough all the way through. I'd be singing at an uncomfortable key, which means singing well would be out of the question. That in mind, I decided to just let everything go. It's all about the performance, after all.

~Somebody's Heine' is crowdin' my icebox
Somebody's cold one is givin' me chills
Guess I'll just close my eyes...~

I wrapped my hands around the microphone, took a wide power stance, closed my eyes and let myself go.

~Oh yeah
Alright
Feels good
Inside...~

There, onstage, as I bathed in artificial light and drowned in rock music, my hair came alive! A simple head-bang wasn't enough. With each pre-chorus power chord, I pounded a full-on body bang, following the sound of the strum.

~Say it ain't so!
Your drug is a heart-breaker!~

I wasn't even thinking anymore. I just planted my feet moved the way the music told me, that is, all over the damn place! The heavy metal in me was breaking out in a geek-rock song. We take what we can get, really, my Eddies and me.

~Say it ain't so!
My love is a life-taker!~

It felt so fuckin' good...

As the music faded and my time ran down, I absorbed as much of the moment as I could. Who knows when I'll ever get the chance to perform like that again? The lights, the sounds, the thrill - I drank it up. *sluuuuuuurp* When I got back to our table, I washed it down with a Tequila Sunrise.

I was met with praises for my performance from Pam and Chinky even though I didn't really deserve them. "Way to set the bar so high," Mondy sarcastically spilled. Chester nervously kept saying, "You're lucky, you got to sing the song you wanted," obviously anxious for his turn in the spotlight. Truth be told, I was just having fun to make up for botched singing. But I acted like a rock star the way ROCKEOKE asks, that's all. XD

Man, did I love every bit of it. My Eddies were happy, too. I could feel them trembling with joy. :3

The rest of the first set went pretty smoothly. Since I went first, I didn't have to feel any anxiety when the next performer was being called to the stage. I just enjoyed the performances, singing along and cheering for them as if they were rock stars. The first set ended with Chinky and Pam still waiting to be called. Lots of fun performances, but none worth talking about. It was the start of the second set that made the night most memorable.

The second set started with a special guest: the lead singer of London-based band Raygun, Ray Gun. In the words of Chinky, it was like he was the long lost son of Steven Tyler or Mick Jagger. Singing Satisfaction and Born To Be Wild, he really lit the place up. Truly the showman, he was all over the place, showing off moves taken from Jagger himself, standing and jumping off the drum set, and walking and dancing on the tables. He got everyone singing, everyone cheering, everyone just enjoying. It was awesome, and that's not even the truly memorable part!

Right after Ray performed, to officially start the second set of would-be rock stars, Pam and Chinky were called to the fore! Wonderwall was the pick. Earlier in the night, Pam made me promise I'd shout and cheer for them. I told her I'd shout "WE WANT CLEAVE!" and start a "MAKE OUT!" chant. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Neither happened coz as soon as they started singing, the big group from HSBC started pounding on the tables, urging Chinky to get on. Excited to actually see Chinky do it, Chester, Mondy, and I joined in. Chinky didn't know what to do. She stood onstage, surprised and hesitant. Finally, Gabe Mercado started to pull her while pounding on the table himself. Chinky refused at first, but was eventually on over by the urging of her fans.

Gabe Mercado helped her up and, immediately, Chinky became the rock star of the night. With her kick-ass boots and squishy stature, she was an instant hit. "Ray who!?" I thought to myself. HAHAHAHAHA! I was so proud! I was truly more excited for Chinky than I was for my own performance earlier. All of us were so happy to see Chinky so happy, especially now. :3 I guess Chinky had enough liquid courage! GAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

That made my night. To hell with Ray. Chinky stole everyone's hearts!

We didn't stay for very long after that. Frankly, I don't think we needed to. We made quite a lot of happy memories in one night. Enough to last me for the entirety of the sem break. It was definitely a welcome end to an absolutely stressful semester. Add last Wednesday's Makati Med Mishap and Friday's Game Night at Pam's place (more on these next time) and it might have been the best last week of classes ever, stress and all!

That night, my Eddies got a whole year's worth of joy and excitement and went back into their box under my bed with a smile on their heavy metal faces. Surely, they anticipate the next time they get to spend a special event with an extraordinary bunch of people. I can feel their excitement already! :D

Thanks Team GA! I don't know how much more insane I'd be without you guys. You're the bestest bunch of friends a Grad Student could ask for. The Eddies agree! Without you guys, they wouldn't have been able to experience ROCKEOKE! GAHAHAHAHAHAHA! XD

A Long Weekend: From PS2 to PS3

2009-09-19T05:49:34Z

After toiling upwards in the night for so long, after numerous delays and unexpected setbacks, after working so hard to earn my keep, the weekend I'd been aiming for had finally become a reality - a beautiful, black, 120GB hard drive, most-powerful-machine-I've-ever-owned, P17,000 reality! Mueahehahehahehahehahea!

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Actually, going into the weekend, I was already in quite a good mood, and I have to say that Friday set the whole thing in motion, not to mention bringing me to a level where the weekend's big event was like an orgasm after a great night of sex. It was Prayer Session 2 day for InTACT and while things went well with my IS block (7:30am), I simply must give a special shout-out to Blocky2.

~Thank you for being so open during the session. Thank you for sharing parts of yourselves that might have been painful quite share. Thank you for trusting me with those hurts. Thank for you allowing yourself to be moved - to tears for some - by the experience. I know I was. The session itself was pretty simple, singing songs and talking about your best friend, but you guys were able to find the depth in the simplicity, making the session more meaningful and memorable. Thank you for that. :)~

It is when we drop some of our defenses, whether intellectual or emotional, and make ourselves vulnerable that we are able to truly feel and truly be touched. Blocky2 did just that, and for me, there is really little else that could make an InTACT Homeroom Adviser happier.

Special shout-out, too, to Gab Ignacio, my Student Facilitator for Blocky2. He provided excellent support on guitar and tremendous insights and experiences that helped facilitate the experience.

The rest of the day went by quickly as I was still pretty high from PS2. I couldn't help but tell people about it. (What can I say? I was proud of my nigglets.) At the end of the day, I attended Teacher Pia's brown bag session on NVivo. Since Mondy, Al, and I were teacher Pia's new research assistants, we needed to attend because we'd be using the NVivo program for her current project. LEVEL UP! Special skill learned! HAHAHAHAHA! Also, taking on this new job means more experience, so another LEVEL UP! is probably on its way, not to mention getting paid for it! XD Initially, the people who commissioned the project didn't want to pay, but thanks to Teacher Pia, the project became a lucrative experience-grinding endeavor. Watch my resume buff up!

After the NVivo brown bag, Melissa and I went over to Eastwood to catch Kimmy Dora. Yes, Eugene Domingo Kimmy Dora. We'd been wanting to watch a Filipino movie for a while now, mainly because we wanted to sneer at the quality, so we took this chance. At the same time, we'd been hearing positive reviews about the film, specifically on how funny it was. Even Sir AJ said it was decent, and "decent" for Sir AJ must be pretty good. These in mind, we decided to push through with the movie. Braving the rain, we took a cab and made our way to Eastwood. Lemme just say, I HATE THE RAIN! XD

We had dinner first since we were more than an hour early for our 8:15 screening. Fazoli's. Interesting conversation, but somehow we started talking economics and politics. Well, less talking, more arguing really. She was voting, I wasn't. I didn't think my vote mattered, she did. She wanted Noynoy to win, I didn't. HAHAHAHAHA! Sad.

The movie was...just okay, though I expected more from the reviews of friends. I thought it would be funnier, but the humor was still very much in line with Filipino conventions, so I wasn't very amused. Neither was Melissa from what I saw. Both she and I were weirded out at how a great majority of the audience was so into it, laughing like there was nothing funnier. We didn't know if they were serious or if they were just joining the bandwagon, laughing because they thought they should be. I, for one, did not fine anything in the movie that deserved such loud, uncontrollable laughter. Eugene Domingo did well, I'll give her that, but I'm not really a fan, so I was really more annoyed than impressed.

After the movie, we decided to get some dessert at Jack's Loft. Death By Chocolate for me and a Brownie a la Mode for Melissa. We should've just ordered one thing for the both of us coz finishing both was quite a struggle. Thank God for the conversation that accompanied the struggle. :) Trudging through a Brownie a la Mode couldn't have been more enjoyable. HAHAHAHA! The struggle ended a little past 1:00am and we were on the losing end, with 1/3 of the Brownie still pretty much intact. XD

All in all, it was a pretty good Friday night. The first real one I had in a long time, really. I had a pretty good time. I just gotta say, the movie itself was definitely the lowest point. GAHAHAHAHA! It was definitely a good start to the great weekend that followed.

A late night and an early morning later, I found myself drifting in and out of sleep in my cubicle while waiting for them to give me something to do. Nobody did. The Psych Dept is usually pretty dead on Saturday mornings anyway, so I got just enough sleep to stay awake long enough to see Ateneo pull a miracle win over FEU in the last game of the UAAP eliminations. All game long, FEU was in control, leading by as much as 18 points. But the 4th quarter belonged to the Hail Mary Team, mounting a 19-3 run with clutch three-point bombs and strong inside scoring, and regaining the lead with around 4 minutes to go in the game. The game was still pretty close in those last four minutes, with FEU displaying masterful shooting, but we held our own. Final score: 74-73, Ateneo win. Not only did we break FEU hearts, but we are also exclusively number 1 going into the playoffs. Praying for a repeat!

With that win, the high from Friday night was sustained and supplemented the growing excitement that was welling up for Sunday.

Ah, Sunday.

That was the day.

By this time, I'd already been thinking about it for weeks. Ever since my budget matched the cost, I had wanted to just go to Greenhills and splurge everything. I thought about how I should've already bought it ages ago, but always met with major setbacks. Looking back, though, I'm almost thankful for those setbacks since a new model, with a major price-cut, was released just this month. All that waiting, all that pining, all that yearning came to a close last Sunday.

Sunday was game day. The culmination of two years of waiting and working.

Sunday was PLAYSTATION 3 day!!!

I got up extra early that morning. For some reason, I couldn't go back to sleep. Blame the excitement. I counted my money - money that I had been saving since the school year started, money that had seen so many delays and setbacks, money that had been patient - and made sure I had enough. Worst case scenario, I had just enough, but I was pretty optimistic. I knew the price range. I knew where best to buy. I knew exactly what I wanted and what I was willing to pay for it. I knew I had enough.

My parents were out, so my brother, sister, tita, and I took a cab all the way to Greenhills to make the purchase. I don't think anyone in my family expected that I was really gonna do it. Not even my brother. So as we sat through the mass at The Promenade, only I was really, visibly excited. I was making lists in my head of the games I wanted to buy and the ones I was willing to pass up in favor of later games. "At most, only buy two games a month," I told myself repeatedly. I was imagining the graphics on a non-HDTV and counted the number of months it would take to save up for an HDTV. The thoughts whet my appetite.

As soon as the mass ended, I made a beeline to VMall tech floor (3rd floor). My brother had to take care of some business elsewhere, so I told him I'd scout for the best deal until he came back. Like a whirling dervish, I scoured the third floor of VMall for the best package deal. Some packages cost as much as P24,500, boasting an extra controlled, but only had one game included. Cheaper packages didn't include an extra controller. The decision was tough. After going through all the possible stores and canvasing all the possible packages, I found myself back at a familiar place: EYO Sales. Not only was that the place we regularly went back to for Playstation 2 maintenance and repairs, but it was also the place where our Wii and PSP, and my sister's NDS were purchased. EYO was "old faithful." EYO was sure to be reliable. EYO gave us our best deal.

My excitement was at its peak. I acted all detached and reserved, but inside I was all explosions.

P17,000 for the unit. That's it. The 120Gb PS3 Slim and one Dualshock 3 wireless controller. We had to buy the games we wanted with the unit at discounted prices. I chose Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots while my brother, with the flip of a coin, chose UFC 2009 Undisputed. Total bill: P21,150. BOO-YAH! That's a better deal than any of the other stores were offering by far. I'd actually be spending less than I expected! Luck was on our side, too, since the unit I bought was the last one. The saleslady told me that they received their initial shipment the day before and now, with the unit I bought, they were sold out. I pumped my fist in relief and joy.

As I laid my cash on the counter, I watched as they packed up the unit and the games for us. It was then that I fully realized what was happening. I WAS BUYING A PS3 (Slim)! WITH MY OWN MONEY! I WAS GOING TO OWN IT FOR P21,150! And in that moment, all the months of waiting and all the money saved up, all the setbacks, all the drooling over game trailers and reviews, all these things became meaningful. It was all worth it. As they handed me the box, I clutched it to me and felt its weight, and suddenly everything was right in the world. I was feeling so good, in fact, that with the money left over, I treated my everyone out to lunch at Gerry's Grill and bought expensive cakes for the parents (since they weren't there to share lunch). In the end, I was broke. I was happy. Everything was right in the world.

With that, the weekend reached its climax. What began with Prayer Session 2 last Friday ended with the next evolution of console gaming, the PS3. From Blocky2 to Kimmy Dora with Melissa to the Ateneo win over FEU to the culmination of a year's worth of toiling, the weekend was so full, even as things went by so quickly. And even as the weekend ended and the work of weekdays loomed, I was too happy to let that bring me down. I think I bottled enough dandelion wine over last weekend to sustain me until the next. Expect a happier Kenny in the succeeding weeks. :D

GAME TIME!

Once In A While

2009-08-29T18:53:32Z

Despite being a semi-stressful week due to preparations for Graduate Level PAASCU Accreditation, a couple of things that came early in the week kept me going.

Monday: The Birth of A Legend

I had just finished with my InTACT class and was on my way to the Dept when I met Teacher Pia along the way. As we entered the elevator she said, "Kenny, I have kwento for you." Curious by nature, I was immediately intrigued. I could never refuse an "I have kwento for you." Chismoso. HAHAHAHAHA!

Anyway! Teacher Pia proceeded to tell me about her dilemma regarding September 8, which is a Tuesday, but will have a Friday schedule (due to the numerous cancellations of classes). Now, since she's not a full-time faculty member, she has other commitments on days that she's not supposed to be teaching (Tuesdays and Thursdays), and she can't just break those commitments on a whim because of the Ateneo's schedule changes.

She told her students about this problem, prompting them to ask if she'd be finding a substitute for that day. According to her, they said, "If you are, can it be 'that guy?'" followed by a description of 'that guy.'" Teacher Pia replied with, "Ah, si Kenny." That much was good enough for me. Having already subbed for one of her classes before, it meant a lot that they wanted me back to sub for her again. Whether I sub or not, I'd be satisfied knowing that they were asking for me. And then, Teacher Pia shattered that thought. "Oh, and it's not the class you subbed for before ha!" Time stopped for a second while my mind processed the implications of that sentence. When time restarted, Teacher Pia went on to say, "They're another class. They just heard about you from the others. Funny ka raw." That just blew my mind.

If you're having difficulty understanding how big this is, lemme spell it out for you. Not only was I being asked for, but I was being asked for based on the opinions of a totally different set of people. People are actually talking about me. They're spreading my myth and building my legend. Isn't that how legends are born? People talk about them, spread the word, and instill the idea into more minds and a greater consciousness. Of course, I have no delusions of grandeur. I know I'm no legend yet. But I'm confident enough (or conceited enough) to claim that, at the moment, my status is probably covered by the "Cult Favorite" classification; not quite recognized by the mainstream, but slowly creeping into the consciousness of the population. I may be at the bottom of the ladder, but at least, I've penetrated the private conversations of the students. At least the idea of me - regardless of my name - is out there. At least I've started climbing towards my dream of "Legendary Teacher" status.

On the surface, I tried to be all cool and reserved. Inside me, though, a bunch of giddy little kiddie-Kennys were bouncing around in absolute glee. XD

Teacher Pia told her students she's talk to me about subbing. I asked her, "So, is this you talking to me about subbing?" GAHAHAHAHAHAHA! She said she wasn't sure yet. I'm cool with that. Even if I don't actually get to sub, I'll be happy. Just the thought that my legend is beginning to be written is enough motivation for me to keep moving forward and looking towards wider horizons!

Shit like this doesn't happen very often, so I try to soak in as much of it as I can. It keeps me motivated. It drives me forward even as so many forces try to drag me down.

ONWARD TO GLORY I GO!

Tuesday: Once In A While

Last Tuesday, I met up with Nikki Go-Cedenio, a friend from college. She had just recently arrived from her year-long visit to China and wanted to meet up to catch up.

I was definitely excited to see her since it's been more than a year since I saw her last and even longer since we actually sat down and had a conversation. In fact, looking back, we had very few sit-down conversations throughout college. The last one we had was way back in freshman year, during an ARPT outing. We'd see rarely see each other, and when we do, we'd only speak for a couple of minutes before getting back to where we were going or what we were doing. On average, we'd see each other once a sem and have an average conversation time of about 3 minutes. HAHAHAHAHAHA! This means that, right now, we're behind quota! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

We met up at around 230. I had just gotten off work, so we agreed to meet at the Leong lobby. I recognized her immediately. How could anyone forget a smile like that!? :P But seriously, she looked great. That year in China did her a lot of good. It was like she was in bloom.

We went over to the stone benches at the Zen Garden and just talked, even as the sky sent thunderous threats of impending rain. It was mostly catching up, really. Nothing special. I asked her about China, she asked about work. We talked about possible jobs she might want to go into and how to go about applying for them. Little things. Having had few opportunities to get to know each other in college, we knew very little about each other. The conversation was very helpful in that department, allowing us to learn more about one another. I found out that her parents sell ammo (I'm scared) and she found out that my dad is probably a secret agent. HAHAHAHAHA! Perfect! XD

When it finally started to rain, I asked her if she wanted to see where I worked. She was hesitant at first, afraid that she might not be allowed there, but she agreed and we continued our conversation in the Psych Dept. Idiot that I am, I totally forgot to bring an umbrella. SORRY NIKKI! My bad. We talked for a while longer in the Psych Dept and I introduced her to Pam and Chinky.

Simple as the conversation was, I found it really rejuvenating. It was nice seeing someone from college and just talk about simple things for a couple of hours. "Sweet nothings" as Mr. Pagsi would call them. Chatting with Nikki was even more interesting since we hardly ever get to. Last Tuesday was the "once" in the phrase "once in a while" and it's quite easy to appreciate since you don't get it very often. As with the day before, I soaked up the experience, enjoying every moment. It wasn't too hard thanks to Nikki. ☺

Monday and Tuesday set the tone of my week. No matter how stressful it was gonna get, I had a couple of ounces of Dandelion Wine to breathe sunshine back into dark days. I'd hold.

Nakilala ko ang babaeng ito...

2009-08-26T02:46:49Z

Nakilala ko ang babaeng ito
[...]
Di na [ko] bagito
Sa gawi ng mundo,
Na maaaring paglakuan ng kahit na sino.
Di pa man nakapag-aararo at nakapagpupunla,
Alam na kung paano - mula sa simula.
Matatag na ako.
Di na maloko.
Akala ko...
Hanggang sa nakilala ko ang babaeng ito.
Ewan ko ba kung ako'y napapano.
Pagkaharap ko siya - para muli akong binatilyo;
Pukpok nang pukpok ang puso - parang martilyo.
Di mapaupo - di mapakwan,
Nanlalamig pero pinagpapawisan.
At sa kabila ng aking napag-aralan
Sa paaralan sa bayan;
At sa kabila ng aking natutunan
Sa barberya at pondahan,
Ako pa ri'y nagugulumihanan.
Wala akong sa kanya'y mapaghahambingan
Ni hayup o halaman o anupamang nilalang;
Siya'y naiiba sa aking mga nakahumalingan.
Siya lamang at siya ang nakaaarok ng aking kalaliman;
Siya lamang at siya ang nakaaabot ng aking mga panagimpan.
Pag kasama siya, mapangangahasan ang anupaman.
Ito marahil ay malaking kabulastugan
O mahiwagang katotohanan.
Pagka't alam n'yo - siya'y aking...

~from Sinta!

Spartan Week pt. II: The Fountain of Youth

2009-08-22T23:27:01Z

WARNING! LONG!

With A Little Help From My Friends

What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
And I'll try not to sing out of key!

...

I get high with a little help from my friends!

They say that when the heart can no longer contain a flood of emotions, the resulting overflow manifests itself through song.

Wouldn't it be absolutely awesome if, in times of overwhelming emotion, people would just suddenly break into song? Not just any kind of song, mind you, but a well-arranged, choreographed musical number, like something out of a RENT production. Imagine people so overcome with emotions that words are no longer enough to express them. Instead, orchestrated accompaniment blasts from an unknown source, compelling the people to join the chorus of overflowing emotion. Wouldn't it be absolutely awesome if overwhelming joy were expressed that way?

Impossible, I know. I guess that's why they invented KARAOKE! GAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

In the wake of an exhausting Spartan Week, I was a bubbling cauldron of emotions just waiting to explode. Mostly, I was exhausted, but I was also in great need of some form of enjoyment. I needed to not feel tired. I needed to feel something else.

It was in those moments that I began to reminisce about Sibol. In particular, those moments when my batch mates and I would just break into song, in solid, four-part, a capella harmony. Those moments were the ultimate stress-relief where the emotions were alive with every note. Exhaustion and fatigue would not overwhelm us because other, more positive emotions made their way to the surface. Those moments kept me young and alive. It was like a recharging rebirth everyday. Quite aptly, Dulaang Sibol was, according to Fr. Miguel Bernad, S.J., "A theater forever young." We had our very own Fountain of Youth, and it flowed endlessly as long as the songs and emotions remained.

Nowadays, I hardly ever get the chance to really sing anymore. Sure, I'd sing to myself, sing along to the songs in my iPod, but it didn't feel the same. I'd always be holding back, singing under my breath, restricting (and possibly damaging) my own voice. I had been doing that for so long that I was actually beginning to think I had forgotten how to sing. The thought was a little unnerving.

Having forgotten how to sing, how, then, would the mad, misunderstood torrents of my heart express themselves? Would they rot underneath feelings of exhaustion? As the environmental turbulence from Spartan Week died down, I needed something to release all the pent up emotions I had buried under the exhaustion lest the bubbling cauldron boils over. I needed a sip Fountain of Youth again.

Luckily, I had a couple of things going for me this week: (1) two non-working holidays and (2) a little help from my friends. :D With these in my arsenal, finding the Fountain of Youth was much easier!

While having dinner on the eve of Q.C. Day (Tuesday night), Pam, Chinky, Mondy, and I made plans for the next day since Jen and Melissa wanted to get together. While talking about learning musical instruments, Mondy brought up being tone-deaf. He related the story of our ARPT caroling days and how he was almost impossible to teach. It was then that Pam suggested having KARAOKE NIGHT. Save for Mondy's tiny hesitation, we mostly jumped at the idea, with Chinky suggesting a place. P350 per hour for a maximum of 10 people to a room. SWEET DEAL! With that, it was decided. Karaoke Night it is! I told Melissa to tell Jen, teasing her about her having to actually sing in front of people. GAHAHAHAHA! Excitement started to stir within me. Finally, a chance to dust off the old pipes!

The next day, I slept in almost all morning, from 4am up until around 11. I thoroughly enjoyed every bit of it. Upon waking, I got to texting with Melissa. Both she and I wanted to watch UP, but didn't have anyone to go with, so we decided to meet up early to catch the 3pm screening before meeting up with the rest of the crew for karaoke. Since Pam would be coming from another engagement, Karaoke Night would have to start later, giving us enough time to catch the flick. We met up in EDSA Shang for the movie.

I don't exactly know how to go about talking about Up without spoiling anyone who hasn't seen it. Simply put, the damn thing is genius. A Disney-Pixar masterpiece. It portrayed a depth of emotion that no other Disney or Pixar film had ever produced, while still offering the fun and joy that comes with the Disney-Pixar label. It speaks truths about love and loss that cut to the very core of humanity and wrinkles the very fabric of our being and then makes us question our own capacities for love and generosity. At the same time, it features some of the funniest dialogue, most exciting adventure sequences, and most endearing, albeit annoying, characters. It reminds us that adventure need not be packaged in something so impossibly grand and unreachable, rather, it can be found even in the simplest and closest joys. No need to look too far "for happiness is anyone and anything at all that's loved by you" (Happiness from You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown).

I found myself with a lump in my throat and on the verge of tears (there, I admit it!) many times during the movie (watch out for the Adventure Book!), but these moments wouldn't have meant as much without the film's first ten minutes. They may very well be the best first ten minutes of cinema ever made if not the best ten minutes in film history. The carefully picked-out scenes coupled with the beautifully bittersweet score made for a most touching and most moving exposition. If only for those ten minutes, one should definitely see this movie. I guarantee it's worth the price of admission twice over. And if you've ever been truly in love or have suffered the pain of loss, you may find the film doubly moving and doubly meaningful.

The only possible negative I see is that younger children, Disney's perennial target market, may not have the maturity to understand the beauty behind the story. They'll definitely enjoy the movie because really there's quite a lot to enjoy, but they might not be moved as much by it because they might have not experienced all the things that make the movie meaningful. But I can't seem to blame the filmmakers for this because, really, the movie can be enjoyed by younger children. It's just that they won't find it as meaningful as the older crowd. Not yet, at least. Case in point, while watching, I could hear a child behind us constantly asking questions about why a certain character was behaving in a certain way. I listened as the parents fumbled through their explanations, passing it on to one another. I kinda felt sorry for the kid, who would not be able to appreciate the movie as much as his parents would, but also for the parents, who appreciated the movie just fine, but had difficulty making their son understand why.

Strangely enough, after watching the movie, I felt as though I became years younger; as if the world was new once again. I guess it's because the movie reminded me how much of my adventure I still haven't experienced. It reminded me of how young I still am, of how much more there is for me to do. I am really only starting my own adventure. It got me excited. Even better, it got me excited AGAIN. :P

Paradoxically, it is mostly the older crowd that will understand and appreciate this insight into youth. It is mostly the older crowd that will find more meaning in the message. But then again, children don't need a movie to remind them. They still know it. Their eyes are still full of wonder and excitement. They're still looking forward to so many things and see life still as one big adventure. The older you get, the easier it becomes to forget. The more distracted you are by "matters of consequence" (see The Little Prince), the easier it is to lose sight of life's great adventure. I guess it's not so much the older crowd being more capable of appreciating this message, rather it is the older crowd needing more urgently to hear it.

GAH! What more can I say, really, other than Up reminds us that Disney's still got it! HAHAHAHA! They can still write beautiful stories. See it. Twice if you can. Allow yourself to be moved. Let your heart be filled to the brim with emotion. It's not everyday a movie like this comes around.

After the movie, Melissa made it known that she had caught me crying. HAHAHAHAHA! I denied it all night, saying she was the one who cried. :P Shit, I just had dust in my eye. The theater was filthy. GAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm a dickhead and I know it...

After the movie, Melissa and I went over to Secret Recipe to meet up with Jen and have dinner. Nice place. Comfy couches and good food. A little expensive, but not too bad considering what you're getting. We all ordered a set meal. For P300, I got a juicy chicken cordon bleu, with fries and rice, lemon iced tea, minestrone soup, and a slice of cake. Not so bad. And the cake was pretty good. Jen and Melissa got the lasagna meal for P200. Same deal except instead of rice and fries, they get a honey bun.

After dinner, we finally made our way to meet the others for Karaoke Night. The place Chinky suggested was called Chicago. It was right outside Metrowalk, among the row of clubs and eateries adjacent to Metrowalk's entrance. We reserved a room, but since no one was there yet, we decided to take a brief trip to Metrowalk, itself. Jen returned some defective DVDs. I tried to get either Jen or Melissa to ask for porn, just to see how the clerks would react, but neither of them wanted to do it. :P

Pretty soon, we made our way back. Mondy arrived shortly after and we decided to kick things off.

The room wasn't so big. The area could be comparable to about two Psych Dept cubicles. Couches lined the walls and a large table was set in the center of the room. The room was dark, illuminated by a red and green laser light show and the huge screen on the wall across the couches. We were given two microphones, two song lists, and a remote to control the program. With everything set, we jumped right in.

At first we didn't even know how to work the damn thing, but we figured things out intuitively. The program was damn pretty cool. Not only was the collection of songs unbelievably huge, the variety was just amazing! They had numerous heavy metal songs from Metallica, Judas Priest, Whitesnake, and Iron Maiden. They had songs from SNL shorts like "Dick In A Box" and "Jizz In My Pants." They had Chinese and Korean songs, rap, R&B, OPM, and songs from every decade since the 70's. Hell, they even had songs from less mainstream metal bands such as Hammerfall, Gamma Ray, Stratovarius, and HIM (fuckin' badass). It was a damn fine selection! Not only that! One even had a choice of background videos to accompany the song. One could choose a nature theme (which, at one point, shows extremely phallic images of mushrooms growing), a random video theme (mostly Korean videos), MTV videos (that don't match the song choice), a video of dancing 3D characters, and last, but not least, the SEXY theme, which just showed hot Asian women flirting with the camera, wearing bikinis two sizes too small (just awesome). Jen and Melissa cringed at the SEXY theme, so we didn't use it...much. GAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I started the show with an old favorite: "Boys Do Fall In Love." I would've liked to go straight into the metal, but seeing as no one else listened to that, it's just bore everyone in the room. It went pretty well for my first song, but I was still hesitant to challenge my range, so I got caught half-assed on the higher notes -- notes I knew I could reach if I had pushed it. Still, it was a whole lotta fun and I started to get more comfortable with singing full-blast. I was beginning to feel my voice reawakening; and with it, my youth.

That got the ball rolling. Everyone got a turn, even Melissa, who sang Oasis' "Champagne Supernova." She sounded good. I sang with her. We sounded good. BAHAHAHAHA! Jen sings really well. Cool voice. Mondy tried his best and what was good enough for me! At least he was game.

I picked a harder song on my next turn. Bon Jovi's "Always." With that song, I began to truly test the limits of my range so as to become fully comfortable with singing again. I switched between falsetto and belting during the sky-piercing notes. I was surprised I could handle them without falsetto! With that, my confidence was rebuilt and I was at an all-time high! I began to truly enjoy myself and allow my emotions to come out in the songs. It felt great!

Also notable was my duet with Mondy on "Jizz In My Pants." GAHAHAHAHA! I love it!

Soon, Pam and Chinky arrived with their boyfriends, Sarms and Pau respectively. It was time to party!

From then on, the singing become all-heart! Fuck talent, fuck technique, fuck singing in tune even! It didn't matter. What mattered was we were there trying to have a good time. And all apprehension went out the window. We just had fun with the songs. We'd sing song we only half knew. We'd pick difficult songs and just wing it. From time to time, we'd turn the background to the SEXY setting while the chicks were singing just to distract them. The nature setting wasn't any better because of all the dick-shaped mushrooms! HAHAHAHAHA! We were so into it that I had the audacity to sing Meatloaf's "I'd Do Anything For Love." NO FALSETTO. ALL BELTING. We were just having fun, letting our emotions out with the songs. Even when people would sing love songs, it was just fun. We just sang and laughed and teased Mondy with "Yiheeee, Mondy and T----!" (o ayan, I'm protecting those involved! GAHAHAHAHAHA!). Enjoy lang!

At one point, all the girls stepped out to go to the washroom do their business. Sarms called for "guy time." We switched the background to SEXY and sang "man songs." I sang Metallica's "Enter Sandman" and Rage Against The Machine's "Killing In The Name" while Sarms sang Rage Against The Machine's "Bombtrack." Nothing was more satisfying than belting out heavy metal tunes!

When the girls returned, they retaliated by singing girly/"gay" songs like Madonna's "Like A Virgin" and Freestyle's "So Slow." It was so gay that even us guys got into the act, singing gay songs like "Ocean Deep" and "Hello." Loads of fun! We even made Mondy sing "Endless Love" with Pam to help him practice his duet with T----. GAHAHAHAHAHA! Sadly, she wasn't able to make it. :( No matter! There would be a next time... Right Mondy? Hihihihihi!

More memorable performances, at least for me, were our rendition of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" (laugh trip, puta!), catching our breath while trying to keep up with Eminem's "Lose Yourself" (ang galing talaga ni Eminem), and our final song, where we scored a perfect 100, Earth, Wind, & Fire's "September" (what a finale!).

By the end of the night, we had spent four and a half hours in the room singing our lungs out. And though I had a splitting headache and my voice was definitely at its limit, I felt reinvigorated. I felt young again. It couldn't have come at a better time. Immediately following my Spartan Week, this was just what the doctor ordered. All the exhaustion and fatigue of the last week lost their weight. I was recharged and ready to go, ready to face another adventure (pronounced "Grad PAASCU"). HAHAHAHAHA!

So it seems I haven't really forgotten how to sing. I'm pretty relieved. I guess it also means I haven't forgotten what it was like yesterday, when we were young. :)

I'll admit it wasn't Sibol. There was no harmonizing, no arranged songs, no Batch '04 to share it with. But I definitely saw it. I definitely got a sip. The Fountain of Youth was definitely there. The choir songs may have been replaced with pop, rap, and rock; the solemn Sibol stage may have been replaced by a dark, noisy room in a karaoke club; my Sibol batch mates may have been replaced by grad school classmates, but the essence of joy stayed the same.

These are the things that keep you young. Simple things, whether it be watching a great movie or hanging out with friends at a karaoke club. As long as you throw yourself into it and just be in the moment and enjoy it, just like any adventure, the simple could become awesome. And those awesome moments are the secret to staying forever young. They are the drops from the Fountain of Youth.

I would never have found them without a little help from my friends.

Thanks guys! Here's to staying forever young!

So many adventures couldn't happen today
So many songs we forgot to play
So many dreams are swinging out of the blue
We let them come true...

♥

Spartan Week

2009-08-21T14:39:17Z

INDESTRUCTIBLE!

"Another mission, the powers have called me away
Another time to carry the colors again
My motivation: an oath I've sworn to defend
To win the honor of coming back home again...

I'll have you know that I've become
INDESTRUCTIBLE!"

Finally, my marathon run is over. The Persian onslaught which this lone Spartan faced has ended. At last, I feel my youth returning.

Last week had to have been one of the most tiring weeks ever. It was so tiring that, by the end of the week, I felt ten years older and probably didn't look too good either. Earlier in the year, Ma'am Nati told me, "You look like an old man." Given that at the time I was sprained and limping, I was probably already halfway to looking old with or without the sprain. Back then, I didn't feel as tired as I did last week, so I imagine I must've looked liked absolute shit by the end of it all.

For one thing, it was PAASCU week for undergrads, so, of course, as the Psych Dept Grad Assistant, I was swamped with prep work. It didn't help that for the greater part of the week, I was the only Psych Dept Grad Assistant on call since Mondy went to Dumaguete for the PAP Conference and Chinky wasn't feeling too well and needed to take a break. I was more than happy to cover for them, of course, but that didn't make the week any less tiring. It was Spartan week. With waves over waves of work coming my way, spear and shield clutched in bloody hands, failure wasn't an option. I had to get everyone through it. Say hello to my Messianic Complex! HAHAHAHA!

On top of PAASCU work, I also had to keep in mind requirements for my classes. I had a protocol due for Rorschach and a report to do for Abnormal Psych. Those needed to be taken care of immediately. What stressed me out was that, with Mondy out of the picture, I had to report all alone for AbPsych. It's a good thing that the guest speaker I invited, Nerissa Cabacungan, gave a very informative and interesting talk. She narrated her unique experience with a suicidal client and Dr. Melgar insisted that we try to get to the bottom of it. She urged us to ask questions and my educated diagnostic guesses so we could find out why things went down the way they did. I didn't have to report at all because of that. -pumps fist- YES!

It was also quite serendipitous that the InTACT session that coincided with Spartan Week was the distribution and explanation of MBTI results. The Guidance Office was set to handle the session, so I didn't need to prepare much. One less thing to worry about, one less battle to fight. Notable during that InTACT week was "Kitty Ears Day" with Blocky 2 (Y2-2013). I watched my credibility go right out the window when they made me wear kitty ears. HAHAHAHAHAHA! See the evidence on my Facebook photos. :P My students assured me that what I gave up in credibility I gained back in endearment. I hope that's true! Hihihihi.

As the week died down, one would expect less work on the horizon. The PAASCU visit was over and there was hardly anyone in the Dept since they were all in Dumaguete. Not for me. Oh no. With many profs at Dumaguete, I had to cover for many of them, substituting for classes and proctoring for exams and activities. Most stressful was having to teach Stat and SPSS to Pochi's Experimental Psych class. I didn't know where to begin. When asked, the students said, "The basics. As if we don't know anything." DAMN! Thank God for Ma'am Mira's PPTs from Quanti class. They made the job so much easier.

That week truly tested my mettle. It tested how I'd fare under the pressure a full-fledged faculty member goes through all year long. It tested whether I could handle coming to work everyday at 830am and going home at 5pm, while teaching multiple subjects, while doing paperwork and prep work, while preparing for my own classes, while still maintaining composure, while still being my fun and effervescent self for my students. If only for a week, I experienced the real rigors of full-time work.

By the end of it all, I was exhausted, both mentally and physically. I needed rejuvenation. I needed to recharge. I tried my very best to hide it, but inside I just felt so old. My soul needed some sort of "Fountain of Youth" to revert to its normal self. Little did I know that I, with a little help from my friends, would be able to get a substantial taste of the Fountain's life-giving, rejuvenating waters...

☺☻☺

To be continued dahil tinatamad na ako... :P

What might this be?

2009-08-04T18:42:47Z

ACROSS THE UNIVERSE

Two extremely heavy tests in two days.

I'm tired. So very tired.

Albeit I wasn't actually taking either of them, administering one and proctoring the other quite exhausted me. It felt very much as though I was being tested, too.

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me...

At 9pm Sunday night, we - Chinky, Mondy, and I - convened at Pam's house to administer the Rorschach Inkblots test. Mondy would be administering to Chinky's friend Bellie, while Pam got dibs on Chinky's boyfriend Pau. Chinky's client would be Pam's Psychotherapy client. This left me with an interesting option... DAVE BATISTA! Well... At least that's what I call him aside from "Thug" or "Pam's boyfriend." I swear, if he wanted to, he could probably send my head flying with a wide hook.

This would be the first time any of us would be administering the test. Considering how unbelievably powerful the test is (take my word for it for now), our individual apprehensions were quite obvious. The pressure was just immense. One fuck-up in administration could compromise the test completely, leaving us with a contaminated protocol, which may, in turn, lead to extreme interpretations. Scary interpretations. Snowball-thinking much, I know, but the consequences of a mis-administered Rorschach are quite heavy, so we each wanted to do it as correctly as possible. No one should ever be as tense as we were at that hour, but the tension was good. It means we respected both the test and our would-be clients. I prayed for the best.

After much hesitation, it was decided that Mondy and I go first. We were given the offices to use as testing areas. Naturally, I called dibs on the bigger one. With twelve sheets of clean paper, the ten Rorschach cards (arranged face-down in order, of course), four location sheets, three pens of different colors, and Exner's methodology in mind, I was as ready as I'd ever be. My client came into the office and the test began.

Two things became the sources of greatest distress for me during the testing proper: (1) having to take down everything my client says VERBATIM and (2) my knowledge, albeit limited and surface-level, of the meanings of certain responses.

As per the Comprehensive System's methodology, the tester is supposed to write down each of the client's responses verbatim. "Batista" had much to say. Keeping up with each and every little thing he said was like trying to catch one part of a rushing stream; you never really catch it and always find yourself trying to catch up. At that moment, it was like words were the Persian army, coming in droves, and I a lone Spartan trying desperately to take everything down.

The Response Phase wasn't nearly as bad as the Inquiry Phase. There, things got messy. Responses written down in three different colors, location sheets riddles with circles and arrows in colors corresponding the the responses, and one severe headache. I'm thankful that my client empathized a little with me, sometimes pausing amid his responses to allow me to catch up.

I don't know how much was lost in the transcription. I just hope I got at least 95% of what was said.

More stressful than the transcribing, however, was the stress of knowing what some of the responses meant. I can't go into detail at all, lest I confound the Rorschach for future takers. Suffice it to say that some of the responses I received were possible "warning signs" for some behaviors. There were literally times during the Response Phase that my eyes widened as I wrote down the responses. There were times I got scared. I had to exert extra effort to keep myself from reacting as the fear enveloped my own psyche, weighing me down and making it hard to breathe. My mind was battling itself, trying to convince itself that it was overreacting, over-analyzing, over-reading. This made it harder to transcribe effectively, too, compounding the initial stressor.

Thank God we weren't sitting face to face lest my facial expressions contaminate his responses with unwanted reinforcement or punishment.

I'm hoping I'm wrong. I'm hoping that I was over-analyzing the meanings behind the responses based on the quick interpretations Fr. Champoux shared with us in class.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

After the test, my client expressed his difficulty with the test, describing it as "weird." He found it difficult to come up with figures from the ambiguous stimuli. I assured him that he did very well, thanking him in the process.

It was exhausting. Sure, it only took us about an hour, but having to write everything down, making sure I got everything he said, as well as keeping my reactions to a minimum while my mind was in turmoil required great amounts of effort.

All things considered though, Sunday night was quite the experience. Not only the experience of doing the Rorschach, but the experience of doing the Rorschach with Mondy, Pam, and Chinky. We had fun. It was bonding time. Sayang lang that we started late. With work the next day, we all had to get going as soon as everyone was done, which was at around 1am. :P

Sounds of laughter shades of life are ringing through my opened ears
Inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns
And calls me on and on across the universe...

Last night turned out to be another late night since I agreed to proctor with Dr. Cuenca for his Physio Psych exam. I convinced Mondy to tag along (though he really didn't need much convincing). Needless to say, it turned out to be quite interesting and fondly nostalgic.

As usual, the exam would start at 6pm, but this time, it wouldn't necessarily end at 9. Dr. Cuenca said it would be 6 to SAWA. Yep, you saw that right. They could take as long as they wanted. That was mighty nice of Dr. Cuenca. :P

As zero-hour approached, the students started trickling in. Among the takers were Y2-2012 and students from Ma'am Cara's Cog class, whom I also handled early in the sem. Quite interesting indeed. Seeing all of them together like that made me smile...and then laugh at their impending plight. MueahEhahEHAHEhahEHAha!

It was the first Physio exam of the sem, so people were extra stressed, having no idea what to expect. I reassured them saying things like, "Ok lang yan, guys, I failed the first one, too," and "Guys, this exam made me realize that LIFE without the F is a LIE." The looks on their faces were hilarious! I will admit that I probably wasn't helping, telling them how impossibly hard it was and how I failed the first exam and history would repeat itself. But at least everyone got a good laugh. I know I did. GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Mondy got in on it, too, scaring the undergrads shitless. Yes, we were assholes. I was happy to see, though, that my heartless little antics were actually helpful to some, allowing them to calm down a bit and laugh some of the dread away while waiting for the inevitable.

Finally, the instructions were given, the papers were distributed, a short prayer was said, and the test began. A heavy silence filled the room as soon as they got started. In an instant, they all looked like they meant business as they dove into the 15-page exam. That's when nostalgia set in.

The setting, the feeling, even the smell of the paper made me look back to my sophomore year, my Physio Psych, my Cuenca experience. To my surprise, the memory made me smile, too. That was my history. It might have been rough, it might have been scary, and I might not have maximized it, but it was still a part of my growth as a Psychologist. And to think for the past couple of sems I've actually been teaching the Biological Perspective of Personality to GRADUATE STUDENTS! Ironic as it seems, I can't help but thank Dr. Cuenca's Physio class. :) For what, exactly, I don't even know. I mean, he wasn't a very good teacher back then. I hated Physio. Well, Dr. Cuenca's class, at least. How I've come to appreciate it now still escapes me.

It didn't end there. Oh no. Looking at all the students, especially the ones I handled and interacted with, I suddenly felt a tiny flicker of inspiration in me. There I was, looking at potentials waiting to be unlocked, at the budding future of MY students, at the promise of a wonderful Psych education waiting to be experienced. I almost envied them, but I couldn't because I was just too happy for them. Some of them, like me, probably won't appreciate it until later, but that's okay. It took me all this time and it still feels quite good. Surprisingly, people seem to be enjoying Dr. Cuenca's class. It's as if he's no longer the same person he was all those years ago. This I have to confirm for myself... :P

An hour in, people started submitting their papers. At around this time, Dr. Cuenca bought dinner for us proctors. Jollibee Champ bitchez! Thanks Doc!

It's not unusual for people to finish early. Back in our day, Bugs, Apags, and I usually finished first. Of the three, though, Bugs was the only one who actually did well. Hahahahaha! :P Still, many were surprised. It's expected. Many want to do well, so they take their time. But people, being people, get tired. Eventually, they'd all tap out. Some earlier than others. So the whole "6 to sawa" proviso didn't usually apply. By 830, people would be too tired to think. The exam would probably end at 9. An hour and half in, the submissions began to trickle in in greater quantities. More and more people were getting tired.

True enough, by 8:45, there were around 10 left, five of whom were my former students. Of the ten still taking the test, only one was male. Yes, Jerome, I'm referring to YOU! Even they didn't last much longer and they gave in. "Ayoko na!" was the general feeling. And then, there was one. Anj warned me about this earlier. "Sasagarin niya yan," she said. I didn't think much of it at the time, but at 9:10 I just couldn't ignore it anymore. Clara just wouldn't give up! HAHAHAHAHAHA! The force was strong in that one, fo' sho'. Moments later, though, even she cracked and hesitantly turned in her paper.

I'm pretty sure Dr. Cuenca saw it going down the way it did. He is a doctor, after all. He understands how the body works. He knew they'd give in when they did. Clara was just an outlier! Hahahahahaha!

I quite enjoyed that test-taking experience despite not having taken the test myself. :) It was quite an experience. One I have to thank Dr. Cuenca for. Mondy and I already volunteered to proctor the succeeding exams. We're happy to do it. I know I am.

Dr. Cuenca's a swell guy. Shit teacher back in the day, but definitely a swell guy. I guess I learned more from him than I give him credit for.

A Breath of Fresh Air

2009-07-14T16:36:30Z

The past couple of weeks have been toxic; utterly, painfully, excruciatingly toxic. It feels as though I'm on a constant Speed trip, moving from one thing to the next almost seamlessly, living the minutes in a daze, with no time even think. The work seems to never end, and when it actually does, I've got my studies to worry about, which basically eats up my time until the next working day. I hardly eat anymore because I'm too preoccupied with what I need to accomplish next and sleep, the little I get, has become my only reprieve. Even those moments I have to myself, Facebook time or DS time, aren't enjoyable as my mind is anxiously anticipating the next wave of responsibilities.

It's gotten so bad that despite having so much to write about - including getting kicked around by Murphy's Law for a whole day, starting therapy with my client for Psychotherapy class, and teaching the Biological Perspective for Ma'am Cara's Advanced Personality class for the second time (because I rule) - I've been grossly neglecting my blogging duties. I can't even write down all the things I feel should be written down, not because I've got no time or am extremely lazy, but because I can't think straight with the prospect of more work on the horizon. Blogging itself becomes less of a cathartic experience and more of an additional chore.

The sad thing is I don't really have any right to complain. I was the one who chose to take 9 units knowing I'd be working 2 jobs, units that turned out to be extremely HEAVY. I was the one chose to say "Yes" to every opportunity to further my status as the "go-to guy" of the Psych Dept. I was the one who chose to take on an extra InTACT class because I felt three wouldn't be enough to satisfy my need to interact with students. I was the one who got myself into this lovely mess, so I have no right to complain. Don't get me wrong. Everything I chose, I chose because I desire them. Everything I gave my "Yes" to, I believed, and still do, to be worth it in the long run. I just didn't expect all of it to take such a toll on my physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Today was definitely a breath of fresh air.

Today I chose to stop worrying. I chose to forget, if only for an hour and a half, all my responsibilities to the Department. I chose to down enough pain-killers to numb the pain of my sprained foot so I wouldn't have to think about it (without overdosing, of course). I chose to end my studying for the Rorschach quiz early. I chose to be irresponsible for the first time in three weeks so that I could have coffee with Eileen.

Needless to say, it was the best "coffee" I've ever had. Ever. Period. In recent memory, at least. Definitely. Yeah.

HahahAhAHAhAHHaahahAHAH!

Thanks Eileen. It's been a while since I've had such quality, non-work-related cognitive stimulation. ☺☻☺

With that, going back to workaholicism wasn't so bad. Even the prospect of a quiz less than 3 hours later, which comprises about 40% of our Rorschach grade, wouldn't faze me. That little breath of fresh air gave me enough of spring to get me through the rainy season. It brought just enough sunlight for me to have hope for better days.

Man, why'd I choose Psych over Philo!?

HAhAhHAHAHahAHHAhaHA!

Again Will The Fire Burn!

2009-06-27T22:45:24Z

WATCH ME!

Two weeks into the school year and already I feel as though I've been to Hell and back. Well, Hell's Gate, at least. I can still feel both the physical and mental burn. And it doesn't help that I sleep at ungodly hours. I am just spent.

Too spent to write.

Body falling apart.

Mind in shambles.

Man, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat! :D

WEEK 1:

I taught Chapter 1 of Sternberg's Cognitive Psychology to all three of Ma'am Cara's Cog classes. What a learning experience that was.

With two MWF classes and one TTh class, I was teaching everyday, and every session, I'd go at it full-throttle. I "left it all in the classroom," so to speak, leaving little more for myself. And that's not even counting the amount of preparation I had to do for the class.

I had to study, conceptualize a flow, create a game, find funny yet apt examples, and effortfully seek out ways to make the "History of Cognitive Psychology" interesting. Now you all know I'm not a preparation kind of guy. I like to wing it, to do it on the fly. I'm a crammer. But in this case, I knew I'd be short-changing the students, not to mention betraying Ma'am Cara's trust in me, if I didn't exert as much effort preparing as I did performing. I told myself that if I was going to play the part of a full-fledged Psychology professor, I'd be cheating everyone, myself included, if I didn't internalize allLEARNING FROM THE TEACHER</b> - might have been basura. Sure, they were laughing and reacting and nodding and participating in the discussion, but I wasn't sure they were actually learning what they were supposed to be learning from chapter 1. I wasn't sure that I was actually facilitating the osmosis of ideas. I began to doubt not my desire, but my ability to actually teach.

So, that whole week, as I taught an undergrad course for the first time, conflicting feelings waged war in me. It was mentally exhausting.

As if that wasn't enough, after teaching Ma'am Cara's classes, I had to go back to the Psych Dept and resume my work as the GA on duty, since that is my real job anyway. With classes just starting, most were still in panic mode, sending us GAs into a frenzy as well. Photocopying syllabuses, making Power Point presentations, creating Y!Groups, checking on the LCDs - we became human tornadoes, spinning to the rhythm of panic.

And then, night time came. With the night came our graduate school classes. Holy fuck. Roraschach I on Tuesdays, Abnormal Psychology on Wednesdays, and Introduction to Psychotherapy on Thursdays. I'll have another entry discussing my grad school subjects, so for now, all you have to know is taking these 9 units is extremely HEAVY.

WEEK 2:

The week started out with my last class substituting for Ma'am Cara. I ended Chapter 1.

When Ma'am Cara came back the next day, I got a bit anxious. I didn't know whether or not Ma'am Cara was gonna quiz them on Chapter 1. "What if they didn't learn a thing!?" was on a loop inside my head. I held my breath the whole time Ma'am Cara was at her TTh class.

Okay, maybe I didn't hold it that long, but it sure felt like it!

But I'm sure I held my breath when she finally came back. Imagine my sigh of relief when she said, "Kenny, they really learned!" (insert *large sigh* here) Apparently, she asked them questions and they were able to answer well. No quiz, but she tested them, which, in turn, was actually testing me. I guess I passed! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

The sigh of relief wasn't pure, however, as it was tainted with something else. Something a little less modest. Something like a little pride. *grin* I reveled in the knowledge that I successfully taught one chapter of Cognitive Psychology. The most boring chapter, no less! I reveled in the knowledge that Ma'am Cara's trust was not wrongfully bestowed. I did what she asked and had FUN doing it! I was just so goddamn proud!

Man! If this is what teachers feel when they realize what they'd done, then I definitely want more. I NEED more. I'm not afraid to admit it. I'm officially and unequivocally addicted to this drug... There is no sweeter high.

GA work didn't get any easier this second week. It was still as heavy and still as stressful if not more so. Ask Chinky. She seems to be getting the biggest portion of the stress. I was hoping that as the semester progressed, things would get easier since the routine would be set. Lesson learned. NEVER HOPE! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Same goes with our own classes. It was only just the second week and already we're feeling the weight of the classes. Gods of Heavy Metal, steel my heart and keep it beating.

On a more positive note, last Wednesday, Teacher Pia (Ramos) sent me a message on Facebook asking if I could substitute for her Gen Psych classes because she was sick (hopefully, not with swine flu). As with Ma'am Cara, I immediately jumped at the chance. Three sections for two days on the most boring chapter (Chapter 1 - Research Methods: Correlations and Experiments). It didn't matter. I just HAD to get my next fix! So, I replied over Facebook. After asking Mr. Sagmit if I could sub for her, she said they didn't allow it. I was a bit disappointed, but didn't mind. I understood that Gen Psych is very basic and I might be to inexperienced to be able to fully and effectively get the lesson across. I'll even somewhat agree that I'm not worth that risk.

So, thinking that the whole thing won't happen, I just moved on. Just when I thought I was in the clear, Sir AJ approached me the next day and told me, "Sige Kenny, ikaw na humawak dun sa 1030 class." I knew right away what he was talking about and didn't even try to hide my excitement. "Talaga sir!? Thank you sir! I'll get right on it." Words I'd end up regretting since that was Thursday and the class was the next day. I had my InTACT classes on that same day to prepare for. It was the first session and I had to establish enough rapport with the classes given the module, which, to me, wasn't very good. Still, I had to find a way to make it happen because rapport with your students is what will allow for easier and more fruitful interaction with the coming sessions. The modules weren't gonna do that for me, especially since they kinda suck. So, I HAD to prepare for InTACT, which I did. But at the same time, I also had to prepare for Gen Psych, which I also did. Imagine how stressful Thursday night/Friday morning was for me. To top it all off, because of color coding, I had to leave the house at 530am. Yes. STRESS!

Friday finally came. Stressed and in panic, I started the day with my 730 InTACT class. IS majors. Went well. Started out with an excerpt from The Little Prince. The one about "taming" and "establishing ties." Observed a positive general reaction. They laughed at my jokes. Yes, I introduced myself as the Alpha Male. Yes, they're calling me that. Hehehe. Was annoyed at the unannounced visit from Sanggu to distribute the baunan of the freshmen for the ORSEM. Was more annoyed at the "No baunan, no food" rule. Idiotic. On the whole the first session was good. Good rapport established. It could have been better, or at least I wanted it to be, but they really weren't into it that much. I somewhat expected this, but hoped it wouldn't be so. -sigh- Gotta try harder!

Right after, I went to the Psych Dept to try and cram my preparations for Teacher Pia's Gen Psych class. I had difficult preparing the night before because I wasn't able to get Ma'am Pia's copy of the Gen Psych book. I had to use Santrock. So I got the book and started skimming through it. It was a LONG chapter. I started to panic, but tried to maintain focus. I studied as much as I could with the 2 hours I had.

Soon, I made my way to CTC303 for the 1030 class. Luckily, the class was comprised of AB and BS Psych majors, which meant that I can assume they, or at least a good majority of them, have read the chapter. My job, therefore, would be to provide examples and make it interesting so that the content would be easy to remember. Despite being a tad sabog, I think (or rather I'm HOPING) the class went well. I was looking at the reactions of the students. I saw a lot of laughing (at my jokes, so don't worry) and a lot of nodding in either agreement and/or understanding (when I made points). Both positive, so I'm thinking I did okay. I mean, it LOOKED like they were getting it. And the participation wasn't so bad either. Sans the sabog-ness due to lack of preparation, I think it would've been much much better.

Lesson learned. Must prepare thoroughly for the Monday class.

On a side note, very observable was the "segregation" of AB and BS Psych students. The AB people sat on the left mostly, while the BS sat on the right. AB people looked more relaxed. BS people were stressing over Chem. Classic. HAHAHAHAHA!

An hour after the end of that class, I was off to my second InTACT class for the day. Bel 307, BS Psychology majors. I had explicitly asked for a Psych block because, based on my experience last year (Hi Y2-2012! :D), I knew they were gonna be loads of fun.

I was right.

I started the class by sitting in one of the armchairs. I was posing as a student. I must've done an excellent job since no one was noticing me. Not even my own Student Facilitator! I just sat there and even started to fill out the profile sheet. Soon, the second bell started to ring. Gab Ignacio (SF) started settling down the class, telling them to fill out the form while waiting for the HA (me). As soon as everyone settled down, I made my "grand entrance." "Here I am!" I exclaimed as I stood up from the sea of students. They were really surprised! They really had no idea who I was. They gave me a round of applause as I took my place on the platform. I even got a high-five from one of them. The perky one. Great reaction to begin the session! HAHAHAHAHA!

Coming off that reaction, I knew things were gonna go great. My intuition was further supported when I found out what block they were. Block Y2. Just like last year. Well, they prefer to be called "Blocky 2" (read "blah-key two"), but still! :D Y2 is Y2!

Before introducing myself, I started with the "Prayer/Reflection." When I asked, "Who has read The Little Prince, many raised their hands excitedly at the thought of a few words from the book. "I cried when I read it!" I heard one say. "I do every year when I read it," I replied. A chorus of "Awwwwwww" washed over me. HAHAHAHAHA! Lovin' it!

Then I introduced myself, telling them they could call me any permutation of "Alpha Male." "Sir Alpha Male" and "Kenny Alpha Male/Alpha Male Kenny" were both acceptable, but I said I'd also accept "Godfather" or "Grand Mastah Sexay." Hearty laughter all around. I was soaking it up as I flexed into an pose worthy of the title Alpha Male. They loved it.

The activity went excellently well. And it wasn't because of me! It was them. It was all them. They were so game, so creative, so willing to laugh at themselves and each other. They gave themselves to the activity and that energy gave the activity new life. Sure, I'd insert little jokes here and there based on what they'd be saying, but for the most part, I was just letting them do their thing. It was wonderful. I was happy. Not for myself, you must understand, but for them because I knew InTACT was gonna be awesome for them. I knew that THEY were gonna make it so just like Y2-2012 did last year.

I was more than satisfied with how the first session turned out. If establishing rapport and interaction was the goal, I think I'm pretty much set for the year. After class, I met up with Pam, JC, and Al right outside the classroom. Pam wouldn't believe they were calling me "Alpha Male," so I went back into the room (they hadn't left yet) and shouted, "WHAT'S MY NAME!?" Like a Spartan war-cry, their reply resounded down the halls of Bellarmine: "ALPHA MALE!!!" What can I say, my students love me. It didn't even end there. As Al, JC and I were leaving Bel, we passed by them taking a block photo. They called me over and insisted I join. Imagine that. I'm already in a block photo! On the first day no less! Chainsawesome...

Seriously, iba talaga pag Psych.

At this point, I should already be burned out. Mentally and physically, I'm exhausted. But everything that happened these past two weeks only served to make the fire in me burn with greater intensity and purpose. My desire has only grown much deeper and my passion more directed. I'm ready to face the new school year "banners all bravely unfurled." I'm ready to "march into hell for [this] heavenly cause!"

Broken, Beat, & Scarred

2009-06-13T19:01:55Z

WHAT DON'T KILL YOU MAKE YOU MORE STRONG!

What they fail to say is just how much one person can go through before wanting to die. HAeahehahEHHaHAHAEHEHaHA!

Two weeks into my Grad Assistant job and already my body is falling apart. My neck is stiff, my feet are exhausted to the point of fragility, and I have this semi-permanent cramp from my left butt-cheek down to my quad muscles that only really hurts when I switch from a standing to a sitting position (and vice versa). I can literally feel my body deteriorating, the result of which is increased irritability.

Hell, not even the Saisaki buffet dinner with Chinky, Mondy, Jen, and Melissa could replenish my body's lost energy. The company was great. The conversation, even better. The laglagan was unforgettable! HaHEhahEHahahehAHEHAhehA!

Still, my body remained exhausted.

I'm hoping that this is all merely a result of the big Psych Dept clean-up last Saturday, which spilled over to Monday, and, to this day, still isn't done. Lots of heavy lifting and moving boxes around, most of which belong to Fr. Bu and therefore could not be thrown away despite the contents being mostly useless junk. There were about twenty boxes in all and I had the pleasure of lifting each of them at least once during the week. GAH! I'm hoping it won't always be this physically taxing.

Furthermore, despite only having to work twenty hours per week, I was working everyday this week, giving me a total of at least 35 hours of work this week alone. Talk about above and beyond the call of duty. Talk about MAJOR STUPIDITY on my part.

THE DAWN, THE DEATH, THE FIGHT TO THE FINAL BREATH...
WHAT DON'T KILL YOU MAKE YOU MORE STRONG!

Oh, what I wouldn't give for that final breath right now... GAhHAhehAHEHAhehAHEHA!

On the bright side, despite a body overflowing with exhaustion, I was able to save some room in my mind for some excitement.

Last week, because she was going to Singapore and needed to self-quarantine upon her return, Ma'am Cara asked me if I could be the one to distribute the syllabuses for her Cognitive Psychology classes. I'd meet her three classes for the first meeting to give the syllabus and inform them that Ma'am Cara wouldn't be able to meet them for the first week. Without a second thought, I jumped at the opportunity. (What can I say, malakas si Ma'am Cara sakin! :P)

Then, this past week, Tuesday, while Ma'am Cara was reminding me about the syllabus drop-off, she jokingly asked me if I wanted to teach Chapter 1. Immediately, excitement welled up inside me, and in that instant, I again pounced on the opportunity. "Really!?" she asked, making sure if I was serious. I tried to hide the excitement and calmly answered, "Sure." "O, sige!" she replied happily. She was happy to not have to teach Chapter 1 because, let's face it, it's the most boring chapter!

Later in the day, she sent me the instructions. I would have until the 25th to discuss the syllabus and teach Chapter 1 of Cog to three sections: M-W-F 730-830am & 830-930am and T-Th 9-1030am. I start on Monday!

GAH!

I'm so excited! This is my first real taste of handling a college-level class with a college-level schedule. But at the same time, and for that same reason, I'm mortified, terrified, stupefied! For one thing, I'm beginning to doubt my own abilities. InTACT is one thing, but a full-blown college course is on a whole 'notha level! Furthermore, with less than a week to prepare, I can only prepare so much; thus, limiting my overall effectiveness. This will be a test of whether or not I can really hack it in the teaching profession - a "baptism of fire" so to speak. So, yeah, I've got something to look forward to.

Indeed, next week will be very exciting. Not only will I be working as a GA in the Psych Dept, but I'll be teaching 6 hours worth of class at the same time; not to mention the start of my own M.A. classes. My hands are literally shaking as I find ways to make Chapter 1 more interesting. The combination of exhaustion, excitement, and fear, I suppose.

YOU RISE, YOU FALL, YOU'RE DOWN, THEN YOU RISE AGAIN...
WHAT DON'T KILL YOU MAKE YOU MORE STRONG!

Surprise First Day!

2009-06-01T15:26:55Z

To my surprise, today was my first official working day as one of the Psychology Department's new Grad Assistant, even though I'm only halfway to officially - and when I say "officially," I mean "ON PAPER" - becoming the new Grad Assistant. So far, we've only signed filled out one document and signed the request of the Psych Dept to have us hired. Now, I'm just waiting for the contract. Until I've signed the document that ensures a 100% tuition break, I can't help but feel anxious. Still, I was called in today to take care of the paperwork and officially start. Save the anxiety for later. Chinky, Mondy, and I also worked out our schedules. I took Tuesdays and Thursdays, 8am-6pm, and Fridays, 1-5pm. That's above and beyond the call of duty since we're only required 20 hours a week. What can I say, I live and breathe MAGIS. GAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Since I'm already on the Ateneo payroll, I didn't have to submit all the requirements that Chinky needs to submit, which means I'm getting my first paycheck at the end of June, whereas Chinky might have to wait until mid-July. FUCK YEAH! As for Mondy, well, he situation's still pretty vague. Since each department is only really allowed two, Chinky and I are the "official" Graduate Assistants, holding the title and the Ateneo's paychecks. Mondy is the "special case." In his words, "The money's there, but they just don't know where to get it." Whatever the fuck that means. He's not "officially" a GA, but he'll be getting the same deal and be working the same job, only he'll also be working under Fr. Bu's "special project." His documents are still being processed.

Back at the Psych Dept, Ma'am Jopie asked for a bit of help with printing since Jen and Melissa were out, making her the first Psych prof to officially ask for help from me as a Grad Assistant. Jen gave me a brief tutorial on how to work and troubleshoot the photocopying machine. LEVEL UP! SPECIAL SKILL LEARNED! GAHAHAHAHA! She also showed me where all the "GA Files" were, making my life a little bit easier. Thanks much Jen! :D

After "work," Jen and Melissa wanted to take a drive. They didn't care where, they just wanted to go. They invited us, so we tagged along, except Chinky who had to leave. We went over to Cafe Breton in Tomas Morato to just hang out and relax. The crepes were delicious! I only got to taste mine, the Nutella, but the Adam and Eve that Jen and Melissa ordered looked awesome! There, while hanging out and swapping stories of college and Psych, laughing and making fun of people (:P), that's when I really felt the GA "turn-over." :) Past and future looking at the same Psych Dept together... Awwwwwww... Yuck, nag-moment! GAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

-sigh-

I have a feeling I'm really gonna miss Jen and Melissa. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to have relieved them of their posts. It's just that things won't quite be the same without GAs Jen and Melissa to bother. I was just getting quite comfortable with that little setup.

Now, we'll be the ones the next set of GAs are gonna bother! BAHAHAHAHAHA!

The daily grind has begun!

Selfishness

2009-05-26T12:43:14Z

So here's the deal...

I've been saving up to buy myself a Playstation 3 for a while now. I figured that if I got the Grad Assistant job, ensuring me a 100% tuition break, I would have enough money. I even found a pretty sweet deal for P26,000. That comes with the 80Gb PS3 unit, one Sixaxis controller, and TWO original games. A sweetheart deal if there ever was one. I promised myself that as soon as I was assured of the GA job and assured of the 100% tuition break I'd go out and buy that beautiful black (or white, but "black" made the alliteration work) beast of a machine.

Yesterday, it was official. I had gotten the GA job.

Today, I'm still lacking one PS3.

If you're wondering why, it's because I don't have it in me to be so goddamn selfish.

Lemme explain. A few months ago, my mom borrowed P12,000. For groceries and such. We'd been having a bit of a hard time, what with the recession and all, so at the time, I didn't mind even though I still wasn't assured of the GA job. It was, after all, food on the table. With that P12,000 setback, I was around P9,000 short of paying tuition for 9 units, which I was planning to take for the next semester.

As the month of May crept in, I started dropping hints regarding the P12,000 that I was owed. Each time, my mom would give signals that told me she had no plans of paying me. I started to get scared. I still had no idea if I had gotten the GA job, which basically meant I wasn't sure I'd get the 100% tuition break. If I was to enroll for the first semester, I NEEDED that P12,000.

Inside, I was in a panic. I started to drop hints more often without pushing the issue too hard, but the reaction would always be the same. "Where am I gonna get the money?!" she'd say. "Kailangan pa bayaran yung tuition ni Dino!"

I was starting to get pissed. REALLY pissed.

I mean, if you're gonna borrow money, at least make sure you're good for it! Besides, I had given her at least three months leeway. I hadn't even brought it up until three whole months later and she's still not good for it!

It's a damn good thing I got the GA job. You cannot imagine the sigh of relief I let out when I found out. At least I don't have to worry about tuition anymore. That's one less need to worry about.

But then I started thinking about what I WANT...

Right now, I'm down to about P15,000. I tried to spend as little as possible over the summer, but that's no easy task for someone who gets bored quite easily. I still haven't told my mom that I got the GA job because I'm hoping she pays me back in time for enrollment. If she does, I go out and get my PS3 ASAP. However, as it is, it still doesn't seem like she has ANY plans of paying me back. Just today, when I told her how much money I had left, she asked, "O, how are you gonna pay for your tuition!?" I fell silent. I didn't know how to react to that at all. I got pissed. I kept thinking to myself, "What would've happened if I DIDN'T get the GA job!?"

At that point, I just felt helpless. Sure, tuition is no longer a problem, but what about the PS3 I've been saving up for and planning for and desiring for so long now?! How much longer will I have to wait for it? How many more of its games will pass me by? MGS4, KZ2, FFXIII, Resistance 2 - how many!? I know I'm beginning to sound like a selfish prick right about now, but what about all the things I desire for myself? Will they always take a backseat to the wants and convenience of others? Will my best laid plans never reach fruition?

I suppose I'll have to wait a few more months... Between my InTACT salary and GA salary, minus daily expenses and school materials (including books), I should be able to get it in 2-3 months.

BUT WAIT! JC just informed us Professional Facilitators of a new development. The maximum number of InTACT classes they'll be giving us this year is THREE as opposed to last year's FIVE. WHAT THE FUCK!?!

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK!?

Apparently, because of the excellent evaluations InTACT received last year (thanks MOSTLY to the Professional Facilitators, obviously) there was a sudden influx of faculty members wanting to handle InTACT classes. That, in addition to the influx of new applicants, prompted the "higher ups" to mandate a lesser maximum number of classes for the Professional Facilitators to accommodate the many faculty members.

FUCK!

First of all, and this is where my selfishness rears its ugly head yet again, what's gonna happen to our salary now? We were making barely decent money last year as it is (because we were being taxed even though, by law, we shouldn't be)! How much will we be making now with only THREE classes!? Don't the "higher ups" understand that, for a lot of Professional Facilitators, InTACT is the ONLY source of steady income!? WHAT THE HELL!?

Second, why is it that the Professional Facilitators aren't being given priority!? Why do WE have to take a backseat to those new faculty people when last year's good evaluations were due to OUR efforts!? I guess the Ateneo really treats its personnel as lesser beings compared to the almighty faculty. I guess our needs just aren't as important. I guess our efforts didn't build the strong foundation that InTACT has now. Let's face it, a lot of the faculty Homeroom Advisers SUCK! They do! Ask the freshmen! And believe me, we KNOW what the freshmen want. That's why we did so damn well! FUCK!

Finally, who is the fucker that's supposed to be fighting for the Professional Facilitators!? WHY isn't he doing what he's supposed to be doing!? WHY is he letting the "higher ups" just trample all over us with their mandates!? WHY can't he make demands for us!? I've never been one for compromise. I don't believe in compromising the principles and ideals of something just to please some people. In this case, we are compromising not only our principles and ideals by allowing this to happen, but our very selves. We are selling ourselves short. I know that measures are being taken to give us the same salary as last year, but that's hardly the point. The salary isn't the point. The point is it was the Professional Facilitators who worked hard to make InTACT what it is. Aren't we worth defending? Aren't we worth fighting for? Aren't we worth FIVE InTACT classes? I assure you, the future of those five classes is much brighter with the PFs than the faculty HAs. So, why aren't we being fought for? To please the "higher ups?" That's pathetic. I don't know if I can be a part of something that kisses ass so willingly...

Call it selfish, call it pride, call it a sense of entitlement, but I think we deserve better.

Anyways, I digress...

Because of that new development, my PS3 dreams have been pushed back a couple of extra months. God damn it...

I just don't get it. I work hard. I try, as much as possible, to earn the things I get. I give as much, if not more, than I take. I'm not a selfish person. I'm willing to give. I'm willing to sacrifice a bit. I willing to wait a bit and delay gratification. I think I deserve to be just a little bit selfish sometimes. I think I deserve to believe I deserve some things. Why, then, AM I STILL NOT GETTING WHAT I WANT!?

Can't I be just a little bit selfish, too?!

Tristitia Amoris (Tragic Love)

2009-05-25T10:46:15Z

All of us deserve to feel that sense of accomplishment when we obtain something we've desired and worked for for so long. We all deserve to know that we've won when that which we've been desperately fighting for finally finds its way around our waist. We all deserve that moment of victory.

But then again, we don't always get what we deserve.

I should be happy. In a way, I am. After all, I did get the job I've been chasing since first semester last year. That means TUITION BREAK! Looking back, the work I did not only helped build up my resume, but also support from Psych Dept. professors. I assumed it's because of all that work that I got the job. So, yeah, I should've been happy. Or, rather, I should've been happier.

So why aren't I?

Simply put, its because I don't feel like I won.

I didn't have that sense of accomplishment at the end of the task. I didn't know that I actually won what I fought so damn hard for. I didn't have that moment of victory after the competition. And yes, to me, it was a competition; one I definitely deserved to win.

Perhaps this is just my overly competitive personality acting up, but right after the "interview" with Ma'am Bo Peep this afternoon, it didn't feel like anything I did these past few months mattered at all. I didn't feel like all the fighting I did got me the job. I didn't feel like I actually won the job. It didn't feel like I got the job because I DESERVED to get it it. It felt more like them just throwing me a bone, really. No real accomplishment, no real victory, despite have gone through the work.

I'm not saying the others didn't deserve to get the job, too. They probably did considering this is the first time three were hired. Ma'am Bo Peep even expressed her concern regarding whether or not the school will allow three to be hired, let alone pay for the third person. It's just that I have this nagging feeling that I'm not being seen as just as deserving as them.

What the fuck is up with that!?

I know deep down that I deserve it. Who am I kidding?! I know deep down that I deserve it just a little bit more than them maybe. Between my experience with InTACT and helping out with a couple of profs in the dept, plus getting above average grades all the while, I think I have a bit of an edge (no offense, guys). But still, after all the work I put into it, after all the time and effort I invested, after sacrificing so much, all directed at that one goal, it doesn't feel like I won the job. The circumstances don't make me feel like I got what I deserve.

Call it a "pride thing," but mine feels just a little insulted.

A lot of you are gonna tell me to just be happy with getting the job. Imagine telling that to someone who worked hard for a whole year hoping to win gold at the Olympics only to end up winning silver. Do you think he'll ever be happy with that silver knowing the work he put in? Sure, there is a little bit of happiness there. A win is a win. But that wasn't the win he worked for. That wasn't the win he wanted. Any happiness he feels will always be inadequate.

Now, some of you will want to say, "Don't aim too high. You'll only set yourself up for greater disappointment." I think we all know how silly that is to say.

We all deserve that moment of victory after working so hard.

The sad reality is that we don't always get what we deserve.

Wicked Wednesday

2009-05-20T14:38:45Z

Today started out bad. I slept horribly late last night because of Rain Man on Star Movies ('Di ko matiis si Dustin Hoffman!). I woke up at 630am all groggy and tired with a mild backache and sore knuckles. I would've wanted to just pass on boxing today, but I promised myself I wouldn't quit on this. Giving in to laziness is where giving up all starts. So I pushed myself to go, dragging my bad back and stiff fingers.

Mitt-work was definitely the most exhausting part of today's training. Two rounds. Per round, I had to give 50 non-stop jabs, 50 non-stop straights, 50 non-stop left hooks, and 50 non-stop right hooks. Yes, that's about a hundred non-stop punches, while moving. In the middle of hitting, I'd feel my arms go numb and drop them, to which my trainer would give me a grunt to push me. "Sige, kaya pa! SI-GE! OSU!" In fairness, those grunts were very helpful in firing me up, but that's when I started feeling the conflict between body and mind. "The mind is OH-SO-WILLING, but the body is HORRIBLY WEAK!" It's frustrating wanting to hit more, to push more, to be more, but be bound by your own physical limits. It's disappointing not being able to fully take advantage of the time, too. Then again, maybe my mind's still too weak to transcend my physical limitations...

So, yeah, boxing was a little bit of a bust today. Thank God for lunch with Pat. Hadn't seen Pat in a while, so meeting up with her for lunch was definitely gonna be a treat. Definitely much to catch up on. And if there's anything I remember about Pat in college, it's how easy it was to hold a conversation with her, so catching up was definitely gonna be interesting.

She didn't disappoint. We talked about UP Law's wonderful system, its professors, its dean, and some of the more interesting people there (someone in particular, but I'll never tell :P). The conversation branched out into several other things, from Iglesia Ni Kristo and Mormonds to the United States and the French to "exotic" women and the white men that want them. HAHAHAHA! We had such a good laugh. Even talking about her recent relationships was interesting. :P

We had lunch at Perspolis and dessert at Flaming Wings. The conversation was definitely made sweeter by Persian food (Special Chelo Kebab FTW!) and Wicked Oreo! -sigh- There goes the morning work-out... HAHAHAHA!

Seeing Pat after so long really made me realize how much I miss my other batch mates. She told me about how our batch's year book is still currently under construction. Yep, they're still working on it. The AEGIS committee don't get their diploma until it's finally released. From what she's saying, it should be out very soon. -sigh- Hopefully I get to see my other batch mates before I see their pictures in a year book. :P

Thanks to lunch, the day didn't turn out so bad after all. I was even called by Ma'am Elma this afternoon to tell me my interview schedule for the GA job. If I remember correctly (and I'm not sure if I do because I had just woken up from an afternoon nap when she called), it'll be on Monday at 1130. Wish me luck. No, pray for me. HARD. I WANT this job.

Sometimes, after some frustration and disappointment, after physical limitations get in the way of desires, nothing is more satisfying than good conversation over three pieces of Wicked Oreo and a scoop of vanilla ice cream. And then, a day that started out bad doesn't need to end that way. :D

Food, Mafia, The Tagaytay Air, & Food

2009-05-16T17:58:14Z

Just got home from Carl's house in Tagaytay. It was an early celebration of Carl's birthday, which is on Sunday, with current ARPT members and some alumni.

From the current roster were Andrea (Faustmann), Monique, Ian (spelling?), Jean, Filbert, Jiggs, and, of course, Carl. The handful of alumni who actually made it were me, Kristoff, Dervin, Marlo, and Carlo Big. It was a small group, but smaller groups should mean better bonding between its proponents. Good move Carl! HAHAHAHA!

We all met up at the range yesterday at around 5 in the afternoon. We had to wait for Jean, who was coming from Ocean Park Manila, so we told the others to go ahead while Kristoff, Dervin, and I waited. It was just the three of us in the range - three alumni. We reveled in that fact. Dervin put on the "mood lights." It felt just like old times. Yuck, alumni senti moment! Carlo would meet us there since he was coming from work.

Jean arrived a little past 7, finally allowing us to leave. Kristoff drove Jean's car as Jean wasn't really allowed to drive long distances and, well, she didn't wanna. HAHAHAHA!

We got to Carl's place at around 930. We immediately decided to EAT. Sure, Jiggs, Dervin, and Filbert wanted to play chess, but WHAT THE HELL!? Tilapia, inihaw na liempo, and talong were on the menu. All that would've been enough to satisfy me. But wait! The real treat was in the container next to the rice-cooker. Hot BULALO! The fat and bone marrow were floating freely in the warm broth. As soon as you eat, you feel the warmth in your chest as the fat and marrow work their way down. Pare, gumuguhit yung taba! It was awesome.

After dinner, Dervin and Filbert introduced a game. They called it Werewolves, but I knew it as MAFIA.

MAFIA/WEREWOLVES

Y2-2012 taught it to me during out exposure trip. It's basically a "card game" where, depending on the card you draw, you need to fulfill a certain role. Using a regular deck of cards, drawing a King makes you a "Killer", an Ace makes you an Angel, and a Jack makes you a Detective. The rest are simply "Villagers." Only YOU should know your own card. No one knows who the Killers, Angel, and Detective are in the beginning. One player will be "God," who makes the game move, but cannot affect the outcome. The game takes place over a set of "rounds." In each round, the Villagers "sleep" (they close their eyes). During this "sleep," the Killers, Angel, and Detective perform certain actions which may or may not result in the "death" of Villagers. When you "die," you're basically out of the game and cannot contribute anything. After the "sleep" phase, the Villagers all wake up and find out who had died during the sleep. They then have to try and "vote out" the Killers by accusing other Villagers. This is where the true fun starts because during this phase, one can say absolutely ANYTHING in order to win votes against a certain person. For example, I can say that because this person is acting suspiciously quiet, he is one of the Killers. I have to convince the rest of the Villagers to vote against that person. I can even claim to be the Detective even if I'm not as long as I persuade the others to see my side. Of course, the accused can defend themselves and even turn the accusation to another Villager. The Villagers "win" if all Killers are voted out. The Killers win if they are able to kill or vote out all the villagers. The Angel and Detective are there to help the Villagers survive and figure out who the Killers are.

I know the rules seem a bit complicated, but once you start playing it it's very easy to learn especially since "God" gives instructions on what should happen every round. However, while easy to learn, playing well is a different matter altogether. How very apt that Y2-2012 taught me this game because it's absolutely perfect for Psychology majors! One's intuition and powers of observation are put to the test as well as the ability to express convincingly one's case. It's just like a Psychological Case Report! It is extremely fun and extremely addictive.

Dervin and Filbert's Werewolves was the exact same game upgraded. For one thing, they had a set of cards, which they themselves made (And sipag naman!), that contained the different "roles" for each person and a short description of the function of the role. "Killers" are called "Werewolves," the "Angel" is a "Doctor," and the "Detective" is a "Sorcerer." The ability of the Sorcerer was modified, allowing him to look at the card of one person per sleep phase. New roles with special abilities were added. The "Little Girl" can open his/her eyes anytime, even during the sleep phase. The "Escape Artist" can escape death once and the "Pawnshop Owner" has the one-time ability to kill one Villager. Other than these modifications, it's pretty much the same game.

One highlight that I simply must share happened in the game that I was a Werewolf. I said that I was the Sorcerer and accused a fellow Werewolf so as to clear me of all suspicion for the rest of the game. I said that that if I was wrong and he wasn't a Werewolf they could vote me off next. They voted him off. MUEAHEHAHEHAHEHA! He didn't know what hit him and neither did the rest of the Villagers. Sadly, I didn't win that game due to the efforts of the Sorcerer and the Pawnshop Owner, but that game was simply priceless.

I must also commend Monique for being an awesome Werewolf. Flying below the radar FTW!

So, people, if you're interested, let's play MAFIA! Or Werewolves. Either way, it's loads of fun.

Drinking followed Werewolves. There weren't any hard drinks, so we drank beer. Red Horse Pale Pilsen. We tried playing the Category Game, but didn't get very far since beer wasn't strong enough to get people drunk and people were starting to get full. Some interesting categories that came up though were car models (not brands), watch brands, basketball teams (Crispa FTW!), types of wood ("morning") and types of birds ("swallow").

After we realized no one was gonna get drunk, we just decided to spend the rest of the night "bonding." We just sat around, talking, reminiscing, bitching, backstabbing, and so much more. Jean, Carl, Carlo, Kristoff and I stayed outside chatting, mostly about the ARPT, the differences between then and now. The cool Tagaytay air was audience to our memories, drawing them out and blanketing the night with their emotions.

We stayed up all night, up until Carlo had to leave to go to work. The Saturday morning sun tucked us in.

I woke up at around 10am to a hearty breakfast of longganisa, beef tapa, and eggs and a discussion of the Gods and Goddesses Archetypes over the meal (Go Sir AJ!). The food was delicious. I was excited for lunch already!

Kristoff and I bonded while waiting for lunch. We had a lot to talk about. It seemed like the day wasn't enough. The rest watched Push and played cards. We just enjoyed the breeze and talked about the future, about his dreams of being Don Corleone, about MONEY and POWER, about The Godfather! :P Oh yeah! Kristoff, shame on you for spitting on that dog! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Lunch didn't disappoint! Bangus belly, lengua, chicken adobo, and MORE bulalo! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARL! ☺☻☺

Hehehe... I hadn't been to an ARPT-peeps outing in a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time. I needed this. It was quite revitalizing. Thanks to everyone to made it! Thanks for inviting us Carl!

We are so young, our lives have just begun
But already we are considering escape from this world...

Perseverance

2009-05-04T11:52:26Z

Started boxing at Moro today.

Geez.

Halfway through I felt like my lungs were going to explode. Horribly low stamina and terribly unfit. I don't even know how I allowed myself to get talked into it in the first place. It's probably the boredom. At least boxing gives me something to do for an hour and a half. Of course, there's also the whole "losing weight" motivation, but really, that won't happen anytime soon if at all, so it's far from my mind. So, yeah, boredom (and lots of Hajime no Ippo).

I don't plan on quitting though. That's just not the kind of person I am. I'm gonna see it through to the end, even if it was a decision made on a whim. Who knows, seeing this through might reap some rewards. For now though, it's something to pass the time.

Soul On Fire (Acoustic) - HIM

Rock Band Bromance

2009-04-17T18:42:59Z

Rock Band 2 at Blue Skies with Apags last Thursday morning. It was my first time.

Met up at Skies at around 930am. We went early to secure a spot. I must say, Skies has excellent equipment. The guitars were of good quality and the HDTV was beautiful, not to mention huge. The track selection was also pretty extensive, though I was disappointed to find that they didn't have a single Iron Maiden song (*hint hint*).

I rocked the guitar while Apags took to the bass. Apags was confident enough to play on Extreme as he frequents RB quite a bit. I'd played Guitar Hero before and am an avid fan of the series, so I figured I'd do well enough in RB as the guitar setup shouldn't be too different. That in mind, I resolved to play on Hard difficulty from the get-go, having been playing on Hard and Extreme in GH. And, playing on anything below Hard is just not fun. There are hardly any scaling runs and hammer-on/pull-off combos, the notes are few and far between, and the timing is just too slow. No fun at all. If I fail, I fail (and fail I did many times). But anything worth doing is worth doing badly! ☻

Apags gave me first pick, so I scanned the selection and found one of my favorite GH songs: Carry On Wayward Son. I was curious to see how different it was on RB. It wasn't much different, but it was just as fun, especially during the sweet-ass solo. Much love Kansas! After the song, I thought to myself, "I could've done it on Expert." That marked the first and only time I'd score higher than Apags. Hahahahaha! Apags chose next, picking Highway Star. It was long and tiring, but extremely fun.

We took turns choosing songs. Notable were the RHCP songs (which Apags thoroughly enjoyed, I'm sure), metal songs like My Curse and Indestructible (which I thoroughly enjoyed despite their difficulty), The Kill (which killed since I played it on Expert), and Detroit Rock City (which caught my eye in Mall Cop and was very enjoyable). We'd chill out with rest songs like Message In A Bottle, which was easy even on Expert. We also went for demonic songs like Master Exploder and Painkiller, both of which chewed us up, seeing us fail miserably. The System of A Down songs were also quite difficult.

Later, another group took to the RB stage in the room next to ours. Apags and I constantly sized them up, checking out the songs they were playing and the difficulty they chose to play on. They were chumps. We gave them a little taste of Metallica's Blackened, which we failed once or twice (hahahaha), but on harder difficulties than the chumps in the next room were playing.

We played for around 3 hours that morning. In fact, we weren't even aware we had been playing for that long until 2 and a half hours in. That's how much fun we were having, I guess. At P280/hour, it was very expensive fun, but quite worth it. It would've cost us less if we had more players though, since it's only P380 per hour if all 4 instruments are used. Sulit! After getting bring Rock Band devirginized, I highly recommend it for those who, like me, are dying of the heat-boredom combination of the summer break. And don't forget to invite me! I can sing, too. Hahahaha!

Apags and I had lunch at Pancake House and it was then that we realized a disturbing truth: we were on a man-date! Hahahahaha. Ah, the splendid scent of BROMANCE! Next time, we'll invite more people on our RB runs. ☺

Fuck the friendship...

2009-04-09T14:44:21Z

WATCH ME!

This speaks for all men who have ever been "that guy." It speaks for all those guys who have ever been blatantly patronized with such labels as "such a good friend" or "such a nice guy." It speaks for the makeshift pillows that catch tears cried for someone else, as if that comforting shoulder isn't even there. It speaks for the person who has always been there to feed female egos, but is always overlooked. It speaks for Cyrano, who longs for a Roxanne who could never see past his nose.

The "Friends Zone" isn't a very friendly place. If anything, it's frustrating and annoying. "It's just not enough."

And if you think it's all about the sex, you'd be wrong. It's about being seen as a guy and not a walking tissue. It's about being seen for what one is worth after being "that guy" for so long. It's about being seen and recognized and regarded. Sex is a very attractive plus, I agree, but I doubt if any man would steal a car, drive 9 hours, put up with so much shit, including going to prison, just for a meaningless fuck. It's about so much more.

But, just like Hitch said, women can't seem to see past themselves. Like Roxanne, they can't decide whether they want Cyrano's genius or Christian's good-looks, so they believe they deserve both. You gotta be able to pump iron and write poetry. That's why the "Friends Zone" exists. That's why guys always have to deal with the "nice guy" and "good friend" labels. That's why, even though nice guys to deserve a break, they'll hardly ever get them.

I can understand that. Women want the best. They believe they deserve it. Hell, I believe they deserve it. Who cares about "that guy" anyway? Who cares if he was always there for you to pick up the pieces when "the best" broke your heart? Who cares if he's being taken for granted?

Oh, and I'm sure you're wondering, "Then why does 'that guy' persist?" Why, after all the shit he knows he's putting up with does he not just up and leave? And then you realize that that's a silly question. Just because you won't love him back doesn't mean he can't really love you. Indeed, "Fuck the friendship." That guy deserves so much more.

Of Pizza Pandesal and Dandelion Wine

2009-03-27T21:38:12Z

I was invited by my students to their block party last Thursday. It was a small get-together of my Psych block, block Y2 (InTACT CCCC), at Anj's place in LGV. Having missed the block Christmas party due to work, I very much wanted to be present at this school-year-ender. Needless to say, I'm quite glad I didn't miss this one.

Anj's house was beautiful without being gaudy. It was a house for a family. How fitting that this little get-together happened there.

When I arrived, many of them were already there. Joi, Clau, Chiong, Jerome, Alexa, Clara, and, of course, Anj were watching American Idol. I was also introduced to Anj's mom. As usual, Adam Lambert destroyed everyone else. They should just end the season early and award him the damn contract. No one else even comes close to deserving it. We were all in consensus on this matter. Hahaha. A platter of chicken wings lay in silent temptation on the table. Who was I to refuse? :P Jerome seemed a bit distraught since there was a tiny problem with his Math project. He was having difficulty relaxing, so I tried to calm him down.

Soon, dinner was served. The spaghetti was delicious, complemented well by the chicken wings. But the true highlight of dinnertime was the pizza pandesal. The concept was simple. Meat sauce and cheese on a pandesal half. The result was fantastic. Anj's mom said it was a staple in the Caguioa house since Anj was in high school, but it was the first time any of her blockmates had tasted it. I'm thankful for having been there to experience it for the first time with them! -drool- Hahahaha!

Moments after we started eating, Julia, Patty, and Judde arrived, followed closely after by Joseph and Maita. I felt a bit under-dressed, having just thrown on a collared shirt and jeans, when the prescribed attire was "Gossip Girl." :P Everyone was dressed to kill yo! Joseph looked particularly snappy in his 70's inspired getup. His hairdo, or lack thereof, completed the ensemble. Hahahaha! Toombs arrived last, having come from a prior commitment.

With most of the cast in place, it was time to drink! Despite not being a drinker all, 'coz I'm allergic, and regardless of the fact that I'm still an InTACT Homeroom Adviser, I chose to have a few drinks with them. Not too much, though. After all, I don't wanna lose my job or my life for that matter. Had the first drink with them for the toast, care of Jerome. It was a light vodka-Sprite mix with slices of orange to add a sweet citrus taste. The alcohol was barely noticeable, so no problem there.

After the toast, we played a drinking game called King's Cup. Well, I didn't really join, but had a couple of shots when the game called for it. The game was dependent on a deck of cards. The deck rotated, each person drawing the top card. Each number and face card represented an action that needed to be performed or determined who would take a shot. So, for example, ace = touch your face, six = chicks (take a shot), queen = converse in questions until someone fails or falters, etc. Now, if someone draws a king, that person adds a liquid to the "King's Cup." The person who draws the last king must drink the resulting mixture. That in mind, restrictions were imposed. You can't add solids and bodily fluids. Hahahaha. A much appreciated decision.

As the game pushed forth, Jerome seemed to be getting the lion's share of shots. Halfway through, his face was as red as a spanked bottom! No one, however, got it worse than Clara, who drew the last King. She had to drink a mixture of water, alcohol (vodka, I think), and (you won't believe this) the oil from the chicken wings. -gag- Poor poor Clara. Gotta hand it to her, though. She actually drank it! Very well done!

The rest of the night was spent just chillin', enjoying each others' company. We all just sat around, talking, watching Chiong and Jerome burn up the dance floor, watching Patty try to get the simplest magic tricks of Clau, and, of course, drinking. I didn't drink too much, but Joseph had me taste some of the drinks he'd mix up. I quite enjoyed his version of the Tequila Sunrise. His mixtures were sweet, effectively masking the taste of alcohol. Tiny indulgences never hurt anyone, though, I think I would've indulged a whole lot more if I didn't have my allergies and responsibilities in mind.

More than the drinking, however, I enjoyed the little conversations here and there. I enjoyed the little stories and getting to know my students more. After years of listening to people say that intra-block relationships don't work, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that there were three existing couples within the block: Clau & Joi, Joseph & Maita, and Toombs & Judde. According to Chiong, another was one the way... :P (Intriga!) I smiled at the story of how Joseph and Maita became "official." I wonder what else Daddy Guev doesn't know... :P And of course, what I found out about Jerome and Judde as they sat on the hot-seat. Such interesting stories.

I wasn't spared from the hot-seat either. They asked, I answered. They wanted to get to know me, I shared a little bit of myself. Hopefully they don't respect me any less for all those things! Hahahahaha!

As the party ended and I sat in the backseat of a cab on the way home, I couldn't help but think about how lucky I am to have a relationship like this with my students. No one could have said it better than Joseph: "Ma-flatter ka naman, tangina ka!" Hahahahaha! If you only knew. :P To be able to build such a relationship with one's students, where openness and togetherness are abundant, is the pinnacle of joy for an InTACT Homeroom Adviser, who sees his students but once a week. To have your students want to be with you outside the 50-minute per week session is so much more rewarding than academic or even monetary success.

Which is why it saddens me to think that some Homeroom Advisers don't experience this. It saddens me that some Homeroom Advisers become nothing more than a 50-minute nuisance to stressed freshmen.

See, just recently, I've been hearing about some InTACT Homeroom Advisers who don't have a very good relationship with their students. From what I've been hearing, there may have been a failure to establish the necessary rapport with their students in order to build a relationship of mutual respect and sense of family. One, in particular, purposely failed eleven students because of how bad the relationship was (quiet na lang kayo kung kilala niyo siya). What happened there!? WHY did it have to come to that!? Sayang naman.

It saddens me to think that these freshmen, who are still trying to find their place in the greater scheme of Ateneo, do not have a "home" to go to in their Homeroom Advisers. More than anything, the feeling of "home" in the Ateneo is what these kids need. However, much worse is that the Homeroom Advisers, themselves, do not have the respect and love of their students. They fail to win the minds and hearts of their charges. I cannot begin to describe how invigorating and fulfilling it feels to have these. It'd be such a waste if one allows these to pass one by. Napaka-sayang.

I think all HAs desire to feel loved by their students. Sadly, not all HAs are worthy, for one reason or another. I can't help but feel lucky to have had such wonderful classes in my first year as an InTACT Homeroom Adviser. I can't help but feel lucky to have been deemed worthy. No matter how bad it gets in the future, this first experience will keep me going. My first students will constantly reinforce my desire to keep going. They will be my taste of summer when the rains don't seem to let up. It will be like my Dandelion Wine, so to speak; the essence and warmth of summer captured in a jar tucked away in my heart.

Thank you, not only to Y2 (InTACT CCCC) for inviting me to your party, but to all my students for inviting me into your hearts. Thank you for the Dandelion Wine I'll be carrying for the rest of my teaching career. :D

What a waste...

2009-03-25T14:25:57Z

Wasting Love - Iron Maiden

Maybe one day I'll be an honest man
Up till now I'm doing the best I can
Long roads, long days, of sunrise, to sunset
Sunrise to sunset

Dream on brothers, while you can
Dream on sisters, I hope you find the one
All of our lives, covered up quickly
by the tides of time

Spend your days full of emptiness
Spend your years full of loneliness
Wasting love, in a desperate caress
Rolling shadows of nights

Dream on brothers, while you can
Dream on sisters, I hope you find the one
All of our lives, covered up quickly
By the tides of time

Sands are flowing and the lines
are in your hand
In your eyes I see the hunger, and the
desperate cry that tears the night
Spend your days full of emptiness
Spend your years full of loneliness
Wasting love, in a desperate caress
Rolling shadows of nights

Sands are flowing and the lines
are in your hand
In your eyes I see the hunger, and the
desperate cry that tears the night
Spend your days full of emptiness
Spend your years full of loneliness
Wasting love, in a desperate caress
Rolling shadows of nights!

Wasted Years - Iron Maiden

From the coast of gold, across the seven seas
I'm traveling on, far and wide
But now it seems, I'm just a stranger to myself
And all the things I sometimes do, it isn't me but someone else

I close my eyes, and think of home
Another city goes by, into the night
Ain't it funny how it is, you never miss it til it's gone away
And my heart is lying there and will be til my dying day

Chorus. So understand
Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years
Face up...make your stand
And realize you're living in the golden years

Too much time on my hands, I got you on my mind
Can't ease this pain, so easily
When you can't find the words to say, it's hard to make it through another day
And it makes me wanna cry, and throw my hands up to the sky

Chorus. So understand
Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years
Face up...make your stand
And realize you're living in the golden years!

My beloved Iron Maiden knows me so well.

After graduation, every birthday adds more and more pressure for you to make something of yourself, building on all the years of your existence. The pressure to get a decent-paying job, to move out of your parents' house, to be able to stand on your own two feet, to maybe start a family -- to basically become an adult -- grows with every birthday. You begin to look at what you've accomplished thus far, scrutinizing all those years of education and development, and try to make sense of all the muddle you left along the way. All those test you studied for, all those relationships you built, all those activities and endeavors that you gave yourself to -- they all contribute to the pressure, too. You begin to question the relevance of it all. You begin to doubt whether it was all worthwhile. You begin to see how much time it is you wasted. And then the pressure to make up for all that lost time sets in. You feel the need to hurry things up and achieve. The seniors get a taste of it, calling it the "senior syndrome." But trust me, it's the years immediately after that really start to get to you. As of last Saturday, I've got 23 years worth of that pressure on my shoulders.

Dr. Ramos hit in on the head when she told me, "When I look at you, I see the past." I was clinging too much to all my frustrations, my disappointments, my wounds. She told me to just let go, saying that no matter how brilliant I am, I wouldn't be able to move forward if I kept holding on. "All that brilliance," she said, "is meaningless if you keep dwelling on and brooding over your past." It'll all just go to waste if I don't share it with the people around me. She said that if I keep living in the past, all I'll end up with is bitterness. If I keep dwelling on frustrations, disappointments, and wounds, I won't be able to focus my energies on what I do well, leaving me with nothing but hostile envy for those who get ahead of me, but whom I believe aren't deserving. Dr. Ramos assured me that I have so much to offer, so much to give, especially love. But how will those around me ever see that if I leave my heart in yesterday? She got me. All this time, that's why I haven't been able truly achieve and truly build relationships. All this time, I've been so distant because I've been picking at old wounds. All this time, I've been giving a large part of myself to brooding and griping. All this time, I've been only been wasting love.

Maybe, hopefully, one day I'll be an honest man...

I have to let go. That's what Dr. Ramos said. I have to stop dwelling on those wasted years and live my life NOW. People usually look to the past when searching of "golden years," thinking it should be somewhere there. Perhaps that's what leads to a whole lot of disappointment and regret, especially when one believe the chance for golden years has passed. Often, we fail to realize that we are the ones who make those golden years. Often, we fail to realize that golden years are always made in the NOW so that they can be looked back on tomorrow. Often, we fail to realize that we are still alive, and being such there is always a possibility for happiness. No matter how much we've lost, no matter how much we've failed, no matter how much we've been hurt, there is still the history we are making TODAY. "Cut your losses and move forward," says Mr. Pagsi. Don't waste your time searching the past for golden years that can be made today!

23 years. It doesn't seem as heavy if I focus on number 23, this year, now. Dr. Ramos said I should be reborn this birthday. I'll take that one today at a time.

♦

My destiny calls and I go!

2009-03-20T23:16:35Z

Your result for The Who Would You Be in 1400 AD Test...

The Knight

You scored 42% Cardinal, 33% Monk, 29% Lady, and 68% Knight!

You are the hero. Brave and bold. You are strong and utterly selfless. You are also a pawn to your superiors and will be lucky if you live very long. If you survive the Holy wars you are thrust into you will be praised for your valor and opportunities both romantic and financial will become available to you.

Take The Who Would You Be in 1400 AD Test at HelloQuizzy

The Knight...

Don Quixote de La Mancha...

In my heart, I know it's what I want to be, who I want to be. "A knight with his banners all bravely unfurled," righting wrongs and fighting in the name of God, justice, and love. But as it is, my current self isn't even close to attaining my ideal self. As it is, I'm just a man, so deeply broken, living in the past. Dr. Ramos sees it. She sees right through me. She reads me as if I were as simple as a print ad. She tells me I could be the "Alpha Male" I want to be, only I'm living too much in the past. No wonder I can't seem to take up the knightly armor. The baggage I'm still carrying is weighing me down enough as it is. My brokenness crumbles under the enormity of the weight. I am nothing more than the Knight of the Woeful Countenance.

Dr. Ramos told me that in order to fully claim my title, in order to fully be the "Alpha Male," I have to cut my losses and move forward. I have to stop clinging to the past and devote my energies to the work in the present and to the future I want for myself. In recognizing and helping me recognize my own brokenness and the baggage I'm carrying, Dr. Ramos made me feel more worthwhile and appreciated than I have in a long time. She made me want to move forward and recreate myself. That's something I will forever be grateful to Dr. Ramos for.

It really comes as no surprise that Dr. Ramos is so well-loved and deeply respected, and I don't know how I was able to go my whole undergraduate Psychology life without once having her as a teacher. I guess it's no wonder Tita Baby wanted to throw a small party for the last Appraisal III session. Not only would the party be a celebration of the semester that was, but also an early despedida for Dr. Ramos, who would be taking a sabbatical break next year. It also served as an early birthday celebration for me and Grace since today is our birthday (3-21). So, after class last Thursday (well, during class, actually), we all went to Tita Baby's house in Makati to celebrate.

I can't really explicitly share everything that transpired that night in Dasmariñas. I'll try to make it as clear as possible without breaking confidentiality, but due to the holes in the story, things might not make a lot of sense from hereon in.

Tita Baby's house was beautiful. Most of the furniture was Indonesian, which got Sister Wina quite excited. Like a kid in a candy shop, she couldn't help but admire everything. She was getting a taste of home right here in the Philippines.

Dinner was amazing. We were served soup first (I've never actually been served soup before!), then the buffet dinner was opened. Pansit, chicken lollipop, spring rolls, roast chicken; Pochi and I took advantage of it all! Dessert came after dinner. Three cakes and fruit salad... *drool* There were candles on two of the cakes and Dr. Ramos was asked to blow out the candles of one cake while Grace and I blew out the candles on the other (Happy Birthday!). I took a slice from the two most sinful desserts: the caramel cake and the mocha mousse cake. "Sin on a plate!" I told myself.

There was a little bit of drinking during dessert. We all had wine. I took red. Tita Baby had a solid collection of hard drinks which were all relatively untouched. So, some indulged in cognac (Remi Martin, no less). While drinking and having dessert, we listened to recordings of Sir Glen's original compositions. He wrote all kinds of music, from grunge to choir to 60's tunes. He played most of the instruments, sang, and even arranged the songs. There seems to be no limit to his talents. Grace and I were asked to sing. I sang For Good albeit not very well (I'm sorry! I wasn't really exerting much effort. :P). It was fun.

What followed served as the closing activity for Appraisal III 2008-2009. We all got a chance to say our piece. We were all able to express our thanks and admiration for Dr. Ramos. Dr. Ramos, in turn, addressed each one of us with her final words. Everything was going well and we were all learning from Dr. Ramos' words.

And then, things started to turn sour. Somewhere in the middle of Dr. Ramos' address, things got a bit out of hand. I began to feel bad for all those involved, for all those affected, for all those who might not be able to handle what was happening. At first, it was only mildly annoying, but slowly, I was getting a little pissed. Even Dr. Ramos wasn't spared from it. In fact, I think she was the should have been affected. I wanted it to stop, but didn't know how to do it given the circumstances. It's a good thing Dr. Ramos knew how to handle it. In fact, what she did that night, with the walls closing in, showed us all how experienced a Psychologist she is. She kept her cool and neutralized the situation calmly. Seeing the way she handled herself in that situation was truly a learning experience. Cherry put it beautifully when she said, "If I could just be half the Psychologist that you are..." If I could just be half the Psychologist Dr. Ramos is, I think I'd be confident enough to declare that "A knight with his banners all bravely unfurled now hurls down his gauntlet to thee!"

The party ended at around 11. It's probably the longest class I've ever had (3pm-11pm!) and definitely the class where I learned the most in a single session. I'm quite thankful to have had the chance to take one of Dr. Ramos' classes. Having taken it, I feel I've become a substantially better Psychotherapist. I feel bad for all those who weren't able to, and won't be able to, take Dr. Ramos for any Counseling Psychology classes. Parang kulang yung Counseling Psych education nila.

To all my Appraisal III classmates, thanks for the semester that was! Thank for helping me grow and learn about myself. Thank you for being there with me as we all took the journey towards inner growth.

To Dr. Ramos, thank you. For all the things you deserve thanks for, thank you. :) Thank you for helping me slowly don the armor of Don Quixote de La Mancha!

I am METAL, not some ass-kissing whore!

2009-03-12T19:10:06Z

I guess I just needed to be told. And, boy, was I told!

Sworn in the Metal Wind - LOST HORIZON

~Walking in the shadow of life's dreary side
Fallen down memory lane
Winds whip the world, just like the woes whip my mind
Where is that time when "right now" was The words
When the heart burned with will like a flare
All I now keep is just damned commonplace misery...

Hey man! What is this?!
Sounds like wail of a wimp
Did you let loser side take command?!
Where's the warrior in you
And the spirit he got?
You say - "lost"
No! It's somewhere inside
And you know there's a force that unites all of us
Leave the wasteland we together will!
If you're broken, remember, you got faith within us!
Take now your next deep breath and revive
your old strength!

Facing the abyss of heart's lonely grief
The bitch has polluted my soul
Rains flood the earth, just like the tears flood my eyes
Never again will my life be the same
Nothing can heal up my wounds
Guile and disgrace shall now follow me into the end...

I just can not believe it
It's too weak to be true
Have you really forgotten your worth?!
Can't you see victory!?
You are now free again!
Look at me!
Yeah! I live my own life
If you once tasted treason from a female - leave that!
Every warrior has a gash on his sword
Don't forget you are metal, not some ass-kissing whore
Take some under your wings, but she must kiss the ring!

Winds of metal, make me once again
Feel clear air's breath blowing in my wings!

I possess magic force
I am free in my words
While the world lays right below my feet
Life of duties and dogmas are just frames formed by rats
How'd I know?
Hey! I'm a guardian of truth
Now! Is really the time to wake up you old jade
Such as Phoenix spreads his firewings
I will help you remember by kicking your ass

And the will shall return
And again hearts shall burn
All the horns now will sing
Leading you back to the metal winds!~

Story of my life! Hahahaha.

I had my second case conference yesterday. Karen reported. It was very much a continuation of the first report done by Cherry and truly illuminated parts of myself that, until now, I had either denied or had not been aware of. My frustrations, my incessant grandiosity... Well, I'll leave it at that since I can't disclose much.

First of all, thank you to Karen for surprising me with the content of the report. Without it, what followed would never have happened.

Thank you Dr. Ramos, and the rest of my Appraisal III class, for making me realize who I am. Thank you for showing me that I don't need to proclaim it to the world - I need only be it and people know it. Apparently, people already know it. I don't know about being a "great man," but it's nice to know that people do think highly of me, that even in the Psych Department people think so. Thank you for removing much of that self-doubt.

For the longest time, I've been living with jumbled lines of undisciplined passion. Thank you for reminding me of the arrowhead those lines need. Thank you for helping me remember by "kicking my ass." We all need a bump on the head sometimes.

(Gosh, adhering confidentiality makes this quite difficult. Hahaha!)

Thank you to the religious for trying to sell the Society. I don't know about signing up, but thinking about it allows me to reflect on what I'm missing in this life, on what my spirituality needs.

Finally, thank you Dr. Ramos and Sister Wina for the hugs at the end of the day. I had almost forgotten how good those feel.

I see why you're the one of the best, Ma'am, if not THE best. Thank you for not pulling any punches with me. I needed to hear all that. Thanks for the free therapy! ☺☻☺

Focus. That's what I need. That's what I should pursue. That's how my passion can be transformed into achievement, how ideals can be turned into reality, how dreams can be reached.

If greater learning about the self is the objective of the course, I think I should get an A. Hahahahaha!

Of The Socety and Schizophrenia

2009-03-07T10:49:03Z

Belief if not a matter of choice, but of conviction.

Shinedown - I Dare You - Acoustic - Shinedown

Went to PETA yesterday to watch Saan Ba Tayo Ihahatid Ng Disyembre? Dr. Ramos required us to write a psychological report on one of the characters, so we had to see the play. Met Cherry at Ateneo and took a cab to the PETA theater, somewhere in New Manila. It was a little bit of an adventure since neither of us knew where the fuck the place was, but thanks to Zindy, we were able to find it.

Zindy was already there when we arrived, but we were immediately faced with a teeny, tiny little problem: there were no more tickets for the 3pm show! Apparently, there was some sort of school field trip and the show had already been fully-booked. Faced with such a dilemma, Zindy, Cherry, and I decided to watch the 730 show instead. We reserved tickets and thought about hanging out at Gateway until showtime.

Sister Wina, Fr. Arun, Fr. Julius, and Fr. Karl (collectively, "The Religious") were supposed to watch the 3pm show with us, so they asked us to wait for them before heading to Gateway. When they arrived, they decided to watch on another day instead because they all had class at 6pm. It was then that Sister Wina extended an invitation to her house, the Faithful Companions of Jesus (FCJ) house, for merienda, to which we all happily accepted. The Faithful Companions of Jesus are basically the female arm of the Jesuits. "Female Jesuits," so to speak.

As soon as we got into Fr. Karl's car, I jokingly told the religious, "No priest talk when we get there!" Hahahahahaha. Lemme explain that. See, ever since the case conference on me last Thursday, the religious have been, uhmmmm, "eye-ing" me to join the Society. Sister Wina started it, saying that, since I'm still single and have a very deep connection with Ignatian Spirituality, she can see me becoming a good Jesuit priest. "Why not give it a try?" she asked. On this day, since I was venturing into Jesuit territory, I was probably not gonna hear the end of it! Hahahahaha.

I was right...

The FCJ house was beautiful. The driveway had a very European feel to it, with hedge walls and streetlamps. The simple chapel exuded an understated elegance and was quite moving in its simplicity. Inside, we met Sister Mary Ann from Malta, who was particularly proud of her Maltese culture. And why shouldn't she be? Malta is probably the most Catholic country in the world, boasting a whopping 98% Catholic-by-name percentage and 75% practicing-Catholic percentage. Plus, Malta was one of the few countries, if not the only country, ever mentioned by name in the bible (in Acts 28). Hell, given all that I'd be proud, too! She was really nice. :)

Over turon, bananacue, and isaw, we talked religious stuff. Ironically, I started the whole thing. (Good job Kenny, "no priest talk" indeed...) I asked the religious a whole lot about their choice of the religious life, from their vocation stories to life in the Society. I listened attentively, asking more and more questions, learning more and more about the Society. It's all about finding where you best fit, really, and then taking the leap for what you truly desire. Fr. Karl referred to the pearl of great price, the great treasure for which one will sell everything. "It's really a radical choice," he continued. Before I realized it, I was caught in the sales-talk of the religious, their invitations beginning to be more and more obvious and blatant. Fr. Karl said, "You know, before I joined the seminary, I was just like that, also asking many questions about it." I laughed it off. Then, on the wall of the house, they saw a message saying something like, "God always keeps a door open," or something. It felt like God was playing a practical joke and I was the punchline. BAD JOKE, GOD! BAD JOKE! Hahahahahaha.

As we left the house to go back to PETA, I got a few "So, what do you think Kenny?" here and there from the religious. Hahahaha. "I don't know yet," was my reply. I can't safely say I'm saying "No" to it, really. I do feel very strongly about Ignatian Spirituality and how necessary it is for the betterment of the self. But I don't know if I'm for the Society. I don't know if it's for me. There are things I want to do that I feel like I won't be able to do if I make that commitment. I don't think I'm ready to sell all my belongings for that pearl of great price. I don't think I'm ready to make that kind of choice. I don't think my conviction is strong enough.

Zindy, Cherry, and I went back to the theater for the show. We had to wait a couple of hours since we got there early, but the wait wasn't so bad since we had each other to keep us entertained until they opened the doors.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about the play on the whole. On one hand, the acting was definitely top-notch and the dialogue was pretty good. The set design was well-done, minimalist with little surprises here and there (can anyone say "swimming pool?!"). The story, in the beginning, helped stimulate critical-thinking and analysis. "It's all about choice," Angelique said.

On the other hand, while the dialogue within individual scenes was very well written, the scenes were disjointed. They seemed to lack a central theme towards which the dialogue could revolve around. New themes and ideas began to pop up from out of nowhere, only to disappear just as quickly. Also, much of the meaning of the play was spoon-fed. Definitions for psychological concepts such as dopamine and schizophrenia were actually given, written into the play as mini-monologues. They should have just left the interpretation of these things to the audience instead of immediately making assumptions for the audience and attaching labels to behaviors. I loathe plays that spoon-feeds its own meaning, robbing the audience of the opportunity to interpret things on their own. Finally, the ending simply sucked. It was a cop-out ending. It made it seem as if the whole play didn't matter at all, like it was all trivial from the very beginning. You spend much of play thinking and analyzing and really questioning only to find out that it was all imagined, that none of it mattered at all. It was as if the play ended with the main character waking up from a bad dream. All your critical-thinking and analysis go out the window. The ending was a blatant insult to anyone with any form of intelligence. By the end of the play, "It's all about choice" didn't matter because no choices were really made. They were all just IMAGINED choices, no real impact, just like the play.

So, no, I didn't quite like the play. I could have. Really, I could. It was very entertaining and intellectually stimulating (in the beginning). But the negative points just couldn't be ignored and they killed much of the experience. The spoon-feeding and the cop-out ending killed it for me. It was like the play began on a upward slope only to come crashing down, losing all impact and force.

There was, however, one line that I zeroed in on, one line that stimulates my thinking until now. Antony said, to explain why multo exist, "Iisa lang ang nararamdaman ng mga patay: pag-ibig." It's something I'll write about when I get to reflect about it.

So, the play sucked. Zindy, Cherry, and I went over to Kowloon House to eat after the play. Thank God I had them or else the night would have truly been a waste of time. More than the play, the bonding with Zindy and Cherry made a difference. Thanks guys!

Uninspired

2009-03-02T16:47:53Z

adj.
1. having no intellectual or emotional or spiritual excitement; "the production was professional, but uninspired"
2. deficient in originality or creativity; lacking powers of invention; "a sterile ideology lacking in originality"; "unimaginative development of a musical theme"; "uninspired writing" [syn: sterile] (Princeton University, 2006)

a.k.a. mediocrity

That's how I think of it. That's how it's gonna be. That's how I'm currently feeling.

I apologize in advance. I apologize for not being strong enough to stand by my standards and hold onto my integrity. I apologize for not having fought for better.

I'm actually pretty frustrated with this. Soon the frustration will transform into shame and self-disappointment. Eventually, self-loathing. Going through it in my head, I cringe and seem get that taste of semi-thrown-up stomach fluid in my mouth. Gah!

This is gonna suck.

-sigh-

I'm on my way...

2009-02-19T18:39:04Z

Carry On Wayward Son

This afternoon, it was my turn to report for the Objective Personality Tests Case Conference. In case you're wondering what that is, it's basically me presenting my Psych Report on my client while the rest of the class would ask questions and comment. The goal is to help. "Free therapy from future Psychologists," Dr. Ramos would say. I had been stressing over this all week, especially after last week's case conference debacle.

To be honest, after reporting I didn't quite feel that I did very well. It wasn't because of the reporting itself, although it definitely contributed. It was more of the questioning that followed. I had classmates actually questioning my interpretation of my client's test scores, challenging the very picture of the individual I presented, and dissecting my diagnostic impression of my client. One of them even questioned my objectivity, saying that my closeness with my client clouded my judgment and made the results biased. Shouldn't my interpretations hold more ground since I was able to spend more time with the client and gather more information? It was a bit insulting, really. No, it wasn't that I couldn't answer the questions that irritated me. Hardly. I just really don't like repeating myself, and most of the questions were focused on the same thing. Obviously, my reply would be the same, emphasizing different things to suit the wording of the questions. Furthermore, the root of the questioning seemed to lie in the fact that my hypotheses on my client's personality did not seem to match theirs. Now, I won't claim my hypotheses as absolute truths, but what gives their hypothesis such greater validity than mine that they need to keep insisting on it, overlooking mine?

When my integrity as an examiner was questioned, I just couldn't help but feel insulted. I found absolutely no basis for the claim other than the fact that my diagnostic hypothesis did not seem match theirs, that the picture I painted of my client did not seem to match their image of him in their minds. I did concede that perhaps my report was limited to my client's more current and pressing needs rather than delving into the person's past and drawing hypotheses and conjectures from there. But if the aim is to help, and given the short period of time for interpretation and recommendations, wouldn't it be more practical to focus on immediate needs first and leave Psychoanalysis for those more capable?

I answered each question to be best of my ability, basing my answers on the information I had gathered from my client and the test results, and conceding to the obvious limitations of the study. It was all I could do.

Needless to say, I was at a bit of a loss on whether or not I actually did well. Having the very backbone of my diagnosis panned sucked the little confidence I had right out of me. Worse, I didn't know if the report would be helpful to my client anymore after my integrity was questioned. And then, Dr. Ramos stepped up to the place. She wanted to pose a question that would "...challenge [me] as a therapist." I held my breath and thought, "Okay, here she is to hammer the final nail on the coffin." She asked me what I would do and how I would react given the same situation and experiences of my client (can't disclose it). I said that I HAD experienced what my client experienced, so to some extent I understood what he might be feeling. I told her that I reacted quite the same way. What she said surprised me. She said, "Very well said." Then, she turned to the class and said, "I want everyone to take note of what Kenny did. He did something very beautiful." She said that I was able to draw from my own experience and find a point of resonance with my client, allowing me to better understand what he must have been going through. She continued by saying that, in therapy, what truly matters is not how much knowledge you have on the theories, but how you can find a way to truly relate with your client. With that, I felt redeemed.

But the best part was yet to come. After class, Dr. Ramos told me that I did extremely well on my report. She commended me on my preparedness and my communication skills, saying that the presentation was done very professionally. Furthermore, she said that I defended extremely well. That, to me, was the most important thing, that amid heavy panning and even having my integrity questioned, Dr. Ramos saw me hold my own well. She even went so far as to say that my presentation could pass off "out there" as a professional case conference. It didn't seem like she was patronizing me. I can tell when people do. From the expression on her face and the tone of her voice, I really felt like she was genuinely proud of what I did. That would've been enough, really. I could look back on the experience and be proud. But here's the icing on the cake. Now, I'm not sure how close to verbatim this is. Dr. Ramos said, "If I find similar cases, maybe I could refer them to you."

KABOOM! Huzzah bitch!

That was it for me. I didn't want to show it, but inside I was jumping up and down with pride and joy. I didn't even know what to say, so I stammered through my "Thank you, ma'am." I was just so damn proud. -sniff-

World of Psychology, I'm well on my way to making a name for myself on your face!