Don Quixote's Eyes

A Breath of Fresh Air

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 16:36:30 GMT

The past couple of weeks have been toxic; utterly, painfully, excruciatingly toxic. It feels as though I'm on a constant Speed trip, moving from one thing to the next almost seamlessly, living the minutes in a daze, with no time even think. The work seems to never end, and when it actually does, I've got my studies to worry about, which basically eats up my time until the next working day. I hardly eat anymore because I'm too preoccupied with what I need to accomplish next and sleep, the little I get, has become my only reprieve. Even those moments I have to myself, Facebook time or DS time, aren't enjoyable as my mind is anxiously anticipating the next wave of responsibilities.

It's gotten so bad that despite having so much to write about - including getting kicked around by Murphy's Law for a whole day, starting therapy with my client for Psychotherapy class, and teaching the Biological Perspective for Ma'am Cara's Advanced Personality class for the second time (because I rule) - I've been grossly neglecting my blogging duties. I can't even write down all the things I feel should be written down, not because I've got no time or am extremely lazy, but because I can't think straight with the prospect of more work on the horizon. Blogging itself becomes less of a cathartic experience and more of an additional chore.

The sad thing is I don't really have any right to complain. I was the one who chose to take 9 units knowing I'd be working 2 jobs, units that turned out to be extremely HEAVY. I was the one chose to say "Yes" to every opportunity to further my status as the "go-to guy" of the Psych Dept. I was the one who chose to take on an extra InTACT class because I felt three wouldn't be enough to satisfy my need to interact with students. I was the one who got myself into this lovely mess, so I have no right to complain. Don't get me wrong. Everything I chose, I chose because I desire them. Everything I gave my "Yes" to, I believed, and still do, to be worth it in the long run. I just didn't expect all of it to take such a toll on my physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Today was definitely a breath of fresh air.

Today I chose to stop worrying. I chose to forget, if only for an hour and a half, all my responsibilities to the Department. I chose to down enough pain-killers to numb the pain of my sprained foot so I wouldn't have to think about it (without overdosing, of course). I chose to end my studying for the Rorschach quiz early. I chose to be irresponsible for the first time in three weeks so that I could have coffee with Eileen.

Needless to say, it was the best "coffee" I've ever had. Ever. Period. In recent memory, at least. Definitely. Yeah.

HahahAhAHAhAHHaahahAHAH!

Thanks Eileen. It's been a while since I've had such quality, non-work-related cognitive stimulation. ☺☻☺

With that, going back to workaholicism wasn't so bad. Even the prospect of a quiz less than 3 hours later, which comprises about 40% of our Rorschach grade, wouldn't faze me. That little breath of fresh air gave me enough of spring to get me through the rainy season. It brought just enough sunlight for me to have hope for better days.

Man, why'd I choose Psych over Philo!?

HAhAhHAHAHahAHHAhaHA!

Again Will The Fire Burn!

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 22:45:24 GMT

WATCH ME!

Two weeks into the school year and already I feel as though I've been to Hell and back. Well, Hell's Gate, at least. I can still feel both the physical and mental burn. And it doesn't help that I sleep at ungodly hours. I am just spent.

Too spent to write.

Body falling apart.

Mind in shambles.

Man, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat! :D

WEEK 1:

I taught Chapter 1 of Sternberg's Cognitive Psychology to all three of Ma'am Cara's Cog classes. What a learning experience that was.

With two MWF classes and one TTh class, I was teaching everyday, and every session, I'd go at it full-throttle. I "left it all in the classroom," so to speak, leaving little more for myself. And that's not even counting the amount of preparation I had to do for the class.

I had to study, conceptualize a flow, create a game, find funny yet apt examples, and effortfully seek out ways to make the "History of Cognitive Psychology" interesting. Now you all know I'm not a preparation kind of guy. I like to wing it, to do it on the fly. I'm a crammer. But in this case, I knew I'd be short-changing the students, not to mention betraying Ma'am Cara's trust in me, if I didn't exert as much effort preparing as I did performing. I told myself that if I was going to play the part of a full-fledged Psychology professor, I'd be cheating everyone, myself included, if I didn't internalize allLEARNING FROM THE TEACHER</b> - might have been basura. Sure, they were laughing and reacting and nodding and participating in the discussion, but I wasn't sure they were actually learning what they were supposed to be learning from chapter 1. I wasn't sure that I was actually facilitating the osmosis of ideas. I began to doubt not my desire, but my ability to actually teach.

So, that whole week, as I taught an undergrad course for the first time, conflicting feelings waged war in me. It was mentally exhausting.

As if that wasn't enough, after teaching Ma'am Cara's classes, I had to go back to the Psych Dept and resume my work as the GA on duty, since that is my real job anyway. With classes just starting, most were still in panic mode, sending us GAs into a frenzy as well. Photocopying syllabuses, making Power Point presentations, creating Y!Groups, checking on the LCDs - we became human tornadoes, spinning to the rhythm of panic.

And then, night time came. With the night came our graduate school classes. Holy fuck. Roraschach I on Tuesdays, Abnormal Psychology on Wednesdays, and Introduction to Psychotherapy on Thursdays. I'll have another entry discussing my grad school subjects, so for now, all you have to know is taking these 9 units is extremely HEAVY.

WEEK 2:

The week started out with my last class substituting for Ma'am Cara. I ended Chapter 1.

When Ma'am Cara came back the next day, I got a bit anxious. I didn't know whether or not Ma'am Cara was gonna quiz them on Chapter 1. "What if they didn't learn a thing!?" was on a loop inside my head. I held my breath the whole time Ma'am Cara was at her TTh class.

Okay, maybe I didn't hold it that long, but it sure felt like it!

But I'm sure I held my breath when she finally came back. Imagine my sigh of relief when she said, "Kenny, they really learned!" (insert *large sigh* here) Apparently, she asked them questions and they were able to answer well. No quiz, but she tested them, which, in turn, was actually testing me. I guess I passed! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

The sigh of relief wasn't pure, however, as it was tainted with something else. Something a little less modest. Something like a little pride. *grin* I reveled in the knowledge that I successfully taught one chapter of Cognitive Psychology. The most boring chapter, no less! I reveled in the knowledge that Ma'am Cara's trust was not wrongfully bestowed. I did what she asked and had FUN doing it! I was just so goddamn proud!

Man! If this is what teachers feel when they realize what they'd done, then I definitely want more. I NEED more. I'm not afraid to admit it. I'm officially and unequivocally addicted to this drug... There is no sweeter high.

GA work didn't get any easier this second week. It was still as heavy and still as stressful if not more so. Ask Chinky. She seems to be getting the biggest portion of the stress. I was hoping that as the semester progressed, things would get easier since the routine would be set. Lesson learned. NEVER HOPE! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Same goes with our own classes. It was only just the second week and already we're feeling the weight of the classes. Gods of Heavy Metal, steel my heart and keep it beating.

On a more positive note, last Wednesday, Teacher Pia (Ramos) sent me a message on Facebook asking if I could substitute for her Gen Psych classes because she was sick (hopefully, not with swine flu). As with Ma'am Cara, I immediately jumped at the chance. Three sections for two days on the most boring chapter (Chapter 1 - Research Methods: Correlations and Experiments). It didn't matter. I just HAD to get my next fix! So, I replied over Facebook. After asking Mr. Sagmit if I could sub for her, she said they didn't allow it. I was a bit disappointed, but didn't mind. I understood that Gen Psych is very basic and I might be to inexperienced to be able to fully and effectively get the lesson across. I'll even somewhat agree that I'm not worth that risk.

So, thinking that the whole thing won't happen, I just moved on. Just when I thought I was in the clear, Sir AJ approached me the next day and told me, "Sige Kenny, ikaw na humawak dun sa 1030 class." I knew right away what he was talking about and didn't even try to hide my excitement. "Talaga sir!? Thank you sir! I'll get right on it." Words I'd end up regretting since that was Thursday and the class was the next day. I had my InTACT classes on that same day to prepare for. It was the first session and I had to establish enough rapport with the classes given the module, which, to me, wasn't very good. Still, I had to find a way to make it happen because rapport with your students is what will allow for easier and more fruitful interaction with the coming sessions. The modules weren't gonna do that for me, especially since they kinda suck. So, I HAD to prepare for InTACT, which I did. But at the same time, I also had to prepare for Gen Psych, which I also did. Imagine how stressful Thursday night/Friday morning was for me. To top it all off, because of color coding, I had to leave the house at 530am. Yes. STRESS!

Friday finally came. Stressed and in panic, I started the day with my 730 InTACT class. IS majors. Went well. Started out with an excerpt from The Little Prince. The one about "taming" and "establishing ties." Observed a positive general reaction. They laughed at my jokes. Yes, I introduced myself as the Alpha Male. Yes, they're calling me that. Hehehe. Was annoyed at the unannounced visit from Sanggu to distribute the baunan of the freshmen for the ORSEM. Was more annoyed at the "No baunan, no food" rule. Idiotic. On the whole the first session was good. Good rapport established. It could have been better, or at least I wanted it to be, but they really weren't into it that much. I somewhat expected this, but hoped it wouldn't be so. -sigh- Gotta try harder!

Right after, I went to the Psych Dept to try and cram my preparations for Teacher Pia's Gen Psych class. I had difficult preparing the night before because I wasn't able to get Ma'am Pia's copy of the Gen Psych book. I had to use Santrock. So I got the book and started skimming through it. It was a LONG chapter. I started to panic, but tried to maintain focus. I studied as much as I could with the 2 hours I had.

Soon, I made my way to CTC303 for the 1030 class. Luckily, the class was comprised of AB and BS Psych majors, which meant that I can assume they, or at least a good majority of them, have read the chapter. My job, therefore, would be to provide examples and make it interesting so that the content would be easy to remember. Despite being a tad sabog, I think (or rather I'm HOPING) the class went well. I was looking at the reactions of the students. I saw a lot of laughing (at my jokes, so don't worry) and a lot of nodding in either agreement and/or understanding (when I made points). Both positive, so I'm thinking I did okay. I mean, it LOOKED like they were getting it. And the participation wasn't so bad either. Sans the sabog-ness due to lack of preparation, I think it would've been much much better.

Lesson learned. Must prepare thoroughly for the Monday class.

On a side note, very observable was the "segregation" of AB and BS Psych students. The AB people sat on the left mostly, while the BS sat on the right. AB people looked more relaxed. BS people were stressing over Chem. Classic. HAHAHAHAHA!

An hour after the end of that class, I was off to my second InTACT class for the day. Bel 307, BS Psychology majors. I had explicitly asked for a Psych block because, based on my experience last year (Hi Y2-2012! :D), I knew they were gonna be loads of fun.

I was right.

I started the class by sitting in one of the armchairs. I was posing as a student. I must've done an excellent job since no one was noticing me. Not even my own Student Facilitator! I just sat there and even started to fill out the profile sheet. Soon, the second bell started to ring. Gab Ignacio (SF) started settling down the class, telling them to fill out the form while waiting for the HA (me). As soon as everyone settled down, I made my "grand entrance." "Here I am!" I exclaimed as I stood up from the sea of students. They were really surprised! They really had no idea who I was. They gave me a round of applause as I took my place on the platform. I even got a high-five from one of them. The perky one. Great reaction to begin the session! HAHAHAHAHA!

Coming off that reaction, I knew things were gonna go great. My intuition was further supported when I found out what block they were. Block Y2. Just like last year. Well, they prefer to be called "Blocky 2" (read "blah-key two"), but still! :D Y2 is Y2!

Before introducing myself, I started with the "Prayer/Reflection." When I asked, "Who has read The Little Prince, many raised their hands excitedly at the thought of a few words from the book. "I cried when I read it!" I heard one say. "I do every year when I read it," I replied. A chorus of "Awwwwwww" washed over me. HAHAHAHAHA! Lovin' it!

Then I introduced myself, telling them they could call me any permutation of "Alpha Male." "Sir Alpha Male" and "Kenny Alpha Male/Alpha Male Kenny" were both acceptable, but I said I'd also accept "Godfather" or "Grand Mastah Sexay." Hearty laughter all around. I was soaking it up as I flexed into an pose worthy of the title Alpha Male. They loved it.

The activity went excellently well. And it wasn't because of me! It was them. It was all them. They were so game, so creative, so willing to laugh at themselves and each other. They gave themselves to the activity and that energy gave the activity new life. Sure, I'd insert little jokes here and there based on what they'd be saying, but for the most part, I was just letting them do their thing. It was wonderful. I was happy. Not for myself, you must understand, but for them because I knew InTACT was gonna be awesome for them. I knew that THEY were gonna make it so just like Y2-2012 did last year.

I was more than satisfied with how the first session turned out. If establishing rapport and interaction was the goal, I think I'm pretty much set for the year. After class, I met up with Pam, JC, and Al right outside the classroom. Pam wouldn't believe they were calling me "Alpha Male," so I went back into the room (they hadn't left yet) and shouted, "WHAT'S MY NAME!?" Like a Spartan war-cry, their reply resounded down the halls of Bellarmine: "ALPHA MALE!!!" What can I say, my students love me. It didn't even end there. As Al, JC and I were leaving Bel, we passed by them taking a block photo. They called me over and insisted I join. Imagine that. I'm already in a block photo! On the first day no less! Chainsawesome...

Seriously, iba talaga pag Psych.

At this point, I should already be burned out. Mentally and physically, I'm exhausted. But everything that happened these past two weeks only served to make the fire in me burn with greater intensity and purpose. My desire has only grown much deeper and my passion more directed. I'm ready to face the new school year "banners all bravely unfurled." I'm ready to "march into hell for [this] heavenly cause!"

Broken, Beat, & Scarred

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 19:01:55 GMT

WHAT DON'T KILL YOU MAKE YOU MORE STRONG!

What they fail to say is just how much one person can go through before wanting to die. HAeahehahEHHaHAHAEHEHaHA!

Two weeks into my Grad Assistant job and already my body is falling apart. My neck is stiff, my feet are exhausted to the point of fragility, and I have this semi-permanent cramp from my left butt-cheek down to my quad muscles that only really hurts when I switch from a standing to a sitting position (and vice versa). I can literally feel my body deteriorating, the result of which is increased irritability.

Hell, not even the Saisaki buffet dinner with Chinky, Mondy, Jen, and Melissa could replenish my body's lost energy. The company was great. The conversation, even better. The laglagan was unforgettable! HaHEhahEHahahehAHEHAhehA!

Still, my body remained exhausted.

I'm hoping that this is all merely a result of the big Psych Dept clean-up last Saturday, which spilled over to Monday, and, to this day, still isn't done. Lots of heavy lifting and moving boxes around, most of which belong to Fr. Bu and therefore could not be thrown away despite the contents being mostly useless junk. There were about twenty boxes in all and I had the pleasure of lifting each of them at least once during the week. GAH! I'm hoping it won't always be this physically taxing.

Furthermore, despite only having to work twenty hours per week, I was working everyday this week, giving me a total of at least 35 hours of work this week alone. Talk about above and beyond the call of duty. Talk about MAJOR STUPIDITY on my part.

THE DAWN, THE DEATH, THE FIGHT TO THE FINAL BREATH...
WHAT DON'T KILL YOU MAKE YOU MORE STRONG!

Oh, what I wouldn't give for that final breath right now... GAhHAhehAHEHAhehAHEHA!

On the bright side, despite a body overflowing with exhaustion, I was able to save some room in my mind for some excitement.

Last week, because she was going to Singapore and needed to self-quarantine upon her return, Ma'am Cara asked me if I could be the one to distribute the syllabuses for her Cognitive Psychology classes. I'd meet her three classes for the first meeting to give the syllabus and inform them that Ma'am Cara wouldn't be able to meet them for the first week. Without a second thought, I jumped at the opportunity. (What can I say, malakas si Ma'am Cara sakin! :P)

Then, this past week, Tuesday, while Ma'am Cara was reminding me about the syllabus drop-off, she jokingly asked me if I wanted to teach Chapter 1. Immediately, excitement welled up inside me, and in that instant, I again pounced on the opportunity. "Really!?" she asked, making sure if I was serious. I tried to hide the excitement and calmly answered, "Sure." "O, sige!" she replied happily. She was happy to not have to teach Chapter 1 because, let's face it, it's the most boring chapter!

Later in the day, she sent me the instructions. I would have until the 25th to discuss the syllabus and teach Chapter 1 of Cog to three sections: M-W-F 730-830am & 830-930am and T-Th 9-1030am. I start on Monday!

GAH!

I'm so excited! This is my first real taste of handling a college-level class with a college-level schedule. But at the same time, and for that same reason, I'm mortified, terrified, stupefied! For one thing, I'm beginning to doubt my own abilities. InTACT is one thing, but a full-blown college course is on a whole 'notha level! Furthermore, with less than a week to prepare, I can only prepare so much; thus, limiting my overall effectiveness. This will be a test of whether or not I can really hack it in the teaching profession - a "baptism of fire" so to speak. So, yeah, I've got something to look forward to.

Indeed, next week will be very exciting. Not only will I be working as a GA in the Psych Dept, but I'll be teaching 6 hours worth of class at the same time; not to mention the start of my own M.A. classes. My hands are literally shaking as I find ways to make Chapter 1 more interesting. The combination of exhaustion, excitement, and fear, I suppose.

YOU RISE, YOU FALL, YOU'RE DOWN, THEN YOU RISE AGAIN...
WHAT DON'T KILL YOU MAKE YOU MORE STRONG!

Surprise First Day!

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 15:26:55 GMT

To my surprise, today was my first official working day as one of the Psychology Department's new Grad Assistant, even though I'm only halfway to officially - and when I say "officially," I mean "ON PAPER" - becoming the new Grad Assistant. So far, we've only signed filled out one document and signed the request of the Psych Dept to have us hired. Now, I'm just waiting for the contract. Until I've signed the document that ensures a 100% tuition break, I can't help but feel anxious. Still, I was called in today to take care of the paperwork and officially start. Save the anxiety for later. Chinky, Mondy, and I also worked out our schedules. I took Tuesdays and Thursdays, 8am-6pm, and Fridays, 1-5pm. That's above and beyond the call of duty since we're only required 20 hours a week. What can I say, I live and breathe MAGIS. GAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Since I'm already on the Ateneo payroll, I didn't have to submit all the requirements that Chinky needs to submit, which means I'm getting my first paycheck at the end of June, whereas Chinky might have to wait until mid-July. FUCK YEAH! As for Mondy, well, he situation's still pretty vague. Since each department is only really allowed two, Chinky and I are the "official" Graduate Assistants, holding the title and the Ateneo's paychecks. Mondy is the "special case." In his words, "The money's there, but they just don't know where to get it." Whatever the fuck that means. He's not "officially" a GA, but he'll be getting the same deal and be working the same job, only he'll also be working under Fr. Bu's "special project." His documents are still being processed.

Back at the Psych Dept, Ma'am Jopie asked for a bit of help with printing since Jen and Melissa were out, making her the first Psych prof to officially ask for help from me as a Grad Assistant. Jen gave me a brief tutorial on how to work and troubleshoot the photocopying machine. LEVEL UP! SPECIAL SKILL LEARNED! GAHAHAHAHA! She also showed me where all the "GA Files" were, making my life a little bit easier. Thanks much Jen! :D

After "work," Jen and Melissa wanted to take a drive. They didn't care where, they just wanted to go. They invited us, so we tagged along, except Chinky who had to leave. We went over to Cafe Breton in Tomas Morato to just hang out and relax. The crepes were delicious! I only got to taste mine, the Nutella, but the Adam and Eve that Jen and Melissa ordered looked awesome! There, while hanging out and swapping stories of college and Psych, laughing and making fun of people (:P), that's when I really felt the GA "turn-over." :) Past and future looking at the same Psych Dept together... Awwwwwww... Yuck, nag-moment! GAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

-sigh-

I have a feeling I'm really gonna miss Jen and Melissa. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to have relieved them of their posts. It's just that things won't quite be the same without GAs Jen and Melissa to bother. I was just getting quite comfortable with that little setup.

Now, we'll be the ones the next set of GAs are gonna bother! BAHAHAHAHAHA!

The daily grind has begun!

Selfishness

Tue, 26 May 2009 12:43:14 GMT

So here's the deal...

I've been saving up to buy myself a Playstation 3 for a while now. I figured that if I got the Grad Assistant job, ensuring me a 100% tuition break, I would have enough money. I even found a pretty sweet deal for P26,000. That comes with the 80Gb PS3 unit, one Sixaxis controller, and TWO original games. A sweetheart deal if there ever was one. I promised myself that as soon as I was assured of the GA job and assured of the 100% tuition break I'd go out and buy that beautiful black (or white, but "black" made the alliteration work) beast of a machine.

Yesterday, it was official. I had gotten the GA job.

Today, I'm still lacking one PS3.

If you're wondering why, it's because I don't have it in me to be so goddamn selfish.

Lemme explain. A few months ago, my mom borrowed P12,000. For groceries and such. We'd been having a bit of a hard time, what with the recession and all, so at the time, I didn't mind even though I still wasn't assured of the GA job. It was, after all, food on the table. With that P12,000 setback, I was around P9,000 short of paying tuition for 9 units, which I was planning to take for the next semester.

As the month of May crept in, I started dropping hints regarding the P12,000 that I was owed. Each time, my mom would give signals that told me she had no plans of paying me. I started to get scared. I still had no idea if I had gotten the GA job, which basically meant I wasn't sure I'd get the 100% tuition break. If I was to enroll for the first semester, I NEEDED that P12,000.

Inside, I was in a panic. I started to drop hints more often without pushing the issue too hard, but the reaction would always be the same. "Where am I gonna get the money?!" she'd say. "Kailangan pa bayaran yung tuition ni Dino!"

I was starting to get pissed. REALLY pissed.

I mean, if you're gonna borrow money, at least make sure you're good for it! Besides, I had given her at least three months leeway. I hadn't even brought it up until three whole months later and she's still not good for it!

It's a damn good thing I got the GA job. You cannot imagine the sigh of relief I let out when I found out. At least I don't have to worry about tuition anymore. That's one less need to worry about.

But then I started thinking about what I WANT...

Right now, I'm down to about P15,000. I tried to spend as little as possible over the summer, but that's no easy task for someone who gets bored quite easily. I still haven't told my mom that I got the GA job because I'm hoping she pays me back in time for enrollment. If she does, I go out and get my PS3 ASAP. However, as it is, it still doesn't seem like she has ANY plans of paying me back. Just today, when I told her how much money I had left, she asked, "O, how are you gonna pay for your tuition!?" I fell silent. I didn't know how to react to that at all. I got pissed. I kept thinking to myself, "What would've happened if I DIDN'T get the GA job!?"

At that point, I just felt helpless. Sure, tuition is no longer a problem, but what about the PS3 I've been saving up for and planning for and desiring for so long now?! How much longer will I have to wait for it? How many more of its games will pass me by? MGS4, KZ2, FFXIII, Resistance 2 - how many!? I know I'm beginning to sound like a selfish prick right about now, but what about all the things I desire for myself? Will they always take a backseat to the wants and convenience of others? Will my best laid plans never reach fruition?

I suppose I'll have to wait a few more months... Between my InTACT salary and GA salary, minus daily expenses and school materials (including books), I should be able to get it in 2-3 months.

BUT WAIT! JC just informed us Professional Facilitators of a new development. The maximum number of InTACT classes they'll be giving us this year is THREE as opposed to last year's FIVE. WHAT THE FUCK!?!

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK!?

Apparently, because of the excellent evaluations InTACT received last year (thanks MOSTLY to the Professional Facilitators, obviously) there was a sudden influx of faculty members wanting to handle InTACT classes. That, in addition to the influx of new applicants, prompted the "higher ups" to mandate a lesser maximum number of classes for the Professional Facilitators to accommodate the many faculty members.

FUCK!

First of all, and this is where my selfishness rears its ugly head yet again, what's gonna happen to our salary now? We were making barely decent money last year as it is (because we were being taxed even though, by law, we shouldn't be)! How much will we be making now with only THREE classes!? Don't the "higher ups" understand that, for a lot of Professional Facilitators, InTACT is the ONLY source of steady income!? WHAT THE HELL!?

Second, why is it that the Professional Facilitators aren't being given priority!? Why do WE have to take a backseat to those new faculty people when last year's good evaluations were due to OUR efforts!? I guess the Ateneo really treats its personnel as lesser beings compared to the almighty faculty. I guess our needs just aren't as important. I guess our efforts didn't build the strong foundation that InTACT has now. Let's face it, a lot of the faculty Homeroom Advisers SUCK! They do! Ask the freshmen! And believe me, we KNOW what the freshmen want. That's why we did so damn well! FUCK!

Finally, who is the fucker that's supposed to be fighting for the Professional Facilitators!? WHY isn't he doing what he's supposed to be doing!? WHY is he letting the "higher ups" just trample all over us with their mandates!? WHY can't he make demands for us!? I've never been one for compromise. I don't believe in compromising the principles and ideals of something just to please some people. In this case, we are compromising not only our principles and ideals by allowing this to happen, but our very selves. We are selling ourselves short. I know that measures are being taken to give us the same salary as last year, but that's hardly the point. The salary isn't the point. The point is it was the Professional Facilitators who worked hard to make InTACT what it is. Aren't we worth defending? Aren't we worth fighting for? Aren't we worth FIVE InTACT classes? I assure you, the future of those five classes is much brighter with the PFs than the faculty HAs. So, why aren't we being fought for? To please the "higher ups?" That's pathetic. I don't know if I can be a part of something that kisses ass so willingly...

Call it selfish, call it pride, call it a sense of entitlement, but I think we deserve better.

Anyways, I digress...

Because of that new development, my PS3 dreams have been pushed back a couple of extra months. God damn it...

I just don't get it. I work hard. I try, as much as possible, to earn the things I get. I give as much, if not more, than I take. I'm not a selfish person. I'm willing to give. I'm willing to sacrifice a bit. I willing to wait a bit and delay gratification. I think I deserve to be just a little bit selfish sometimes. I think I deserve to believe I deserve some things. Why, then, AM I STILL NOT GETTING WHAT I WANT!?

Can't I be just a little bit selfish, too?!

Tristitia Amoris (Tragic Love)

Mon, 25 May 2009 10:46:15 GMT

All of us deserve to feel that sense of accomplishment when we obtain something we've desired and worked for for so long. We all deserve to know that we've won when that which we've been desperately fighting for finally finds its way around our waist. We all deserve that moment of victory.

But then again, we don't always get what we deserve.

I should be happy. In a way, I am. After all, I did get the job I've been chasing since first semester last year. That means TUITION BREAK! Looking back, the work I did not only helped build up my resume, but also support from Psych Dept. professors. I assumed it's because of all that work that I got the job. So, yeah, I should've been happy. Or, rather, I should've been happier.

So why aren't I?

Simply put, its because I don't feel like I won.

I didn't have that sense of accomplishment at the end of the task. I didn't know that I actually won what I fought so damn hard for. I didn't have that moment of victory after the competition. And yes, to me, it was a competition; one I definitely deserved to win.

Perhaps this is just my overly competitive personality acting up, but right after the "interview" with Ma'am Bo Peep this afternoon, it didn't feel like anything I did these past few months mattered at all. I didn't feel like all the fighting I did got me the job. I didn't feel like I actually won the job. It didn't feel like I got the job because I DESERVED to get it it. It felt more like them just throwing me a bone, really. No real accomplishment, no real victory, despite have gone through the work.

I'm not saying the others didn't deserve to get the job, too. They probably did considering this is the first time three were hired. Ma'am Bo Peep even expressed her concern regarding whether or not the school will allow three to be hired, let alone pay for the third person. It's just that I have this nagging feeling that I'm not being seen as just as deserving as them.

What the fuck is up with that!?

I know deep down that I deserve it. Who am I kidding?! I know deep down that I deserve it just a little bit more than them maybe. Between my experience with InTACT and helping out with a couple of profs in the dept, plus getting above average grades all the while, I think I have a bit of an edge (no offense, guys). But still, after all the work I put into it, after all the time and effort I invested, after sacrificing so much, all directed at that one goal, it doesn't feel like I won the job. The circumstances don't make me feel like I got what I deserve.

Call it a "pride thing," but mine feels just a little insulted.

A lot of you are gonna tell me to just be happy with getting the job. Imagine telling that to someone who worked hard for a whole year hoping to win gold at the Olympics only to end up winning silver. Do you think he'll ever be happy with that silver knowing the work he put in? Sure, there is a little bit of happiness there. A win is a win. But that wasn't the win he worked for. That wasn't the win he wanted. Any happiness he feels will always be inadequate.

Now, some of you will want to say, "Don't aim too high. You'll only set yourself up for greater disappointment." I think we all know how silly that is to say.

We all deserve that moment of victory after working so hard.

The sad reality is that we don't always get what we deserve.

Wicked Wednesday

Wed, 20 May 2009 14:38:45 GMT

Today started out bad. I slept horribly late last night because of Rain Man on Star Movies ('Di ko matiis si Dustin Hoffman!). I woke up at 630am all groggy and tired with a mild backache and sore knuckles. I would've wanted to just pass on boxing today, but I promised myself I wouldn't quit on this. Giving in to laziness is where giving up all starts. So I pushed myself to go, dragging my bad back and stiff fingers.

Mitt-work was definitely the most exhausting part of today's training. Two rounds. Per round, I had to give 50 non-stop jabs, 50 non-stop straights, 50 non-stop left hooks, and 50 non-stop right hooks. Yes, that's about a hundred non-stop punches, while moving. In the middle of hitting, I'd feel my arms go numb and drop them, to which my trainer would give me a grunt to push me. "Sige, kaya pa! SI-GE! OSU!" In fairness, those grunts were very helpful in firing me up, but that's when I started feeling the conflict between body and mind. "The mind is OH-SO-WILLING, but the body is HORRIBLY WEAK!" It's frustrating wanting to hit more, to push more, to be more, but be bound by your own physical limits. It's disappointing not being able to fully take advantage of the time, too. Then again, maybe my mind's still too weak to transcend my physical limitations...

So, yeah, boxing was a little bit of a bust today. Thank God for lunch with Pat. Hadn't seen Pat in a while, so meeting up with her for lunch was definitely gonna be a treat. Definitely much to catch up on. And if there's anything I remember about Pat in college, it's how easy it was to hold a conversation with her, so catching up was definitely gonna be interesting.

She didn't disappoint. We talked about UP Law's wonderful system, its professors, its dean, and some of the more interesting people there (someone in particular, but I'll never tell :P). The conversation branched out into several other things, from Iglesia Ni Kristo and Mormonds to the United States and the French to "exotic" women and the white men that want them. HAHAHAHA! We had such a good laugh. Even talking about her recent relationships was interesting. :P

We had lunch at Perspolis and dessert at Flaming Wings. The conversation was definitely made sweeter by Persian food (Special Chelo Kebab FTW!) and Wicked Oreo! -sigh- There goes the morning work-out... HAHAHAHA!

Seeing Pat after so long really made me realize how much I miss my other batch mates. She told me about how our batch's year book is still currently under construction. Yep, they're still working on it. The AEGIS committee don't get their diploma until it's finally released. From what she's saying, it should be out very soon. -sigh- Hopefully I get to see my other batch mates before I see their pictures in a year book. :P

Thanks to lunch, the day didn't turn out so bad after all. I was even called by Ma'am Elma this afternoon to tell me my interview schedule for the GA job. If I remember correctly (and I'm not sure if I do because I had just woken up from an afternoon nap when she called), it'll be on Monday at 1130. Wish me luck. No, pray for me. HARD. I WANT this job.

Sometimes, after some frustration and disappointment, after physical limitations get in the way of desires, nothing is more satisfying than good conversation over three pieces of Wicked Oreo and a scoop of vanilla ice cream. And then, a day that started out bad doesn't need to end that way. :D

Food, Mafia, The Tagaytay Air, & Food

Sat, 16 May 2009 17:58:14 GMT

Just got home from Carl's house in Tagaytay. It was an early celebration of Carl's birthday, which is on Sunday, with current ARPT members and some alumni.

From the current roster were Andrea (Faustmann), Monique, Ian (spelling?), Jean, Filbert, Jiggs, and, of course, Carl. The handful of alumni who actually made it were me, Kristoff, Dervin, Marlo, and Carlo Big. It was a small group, but smaller groups should mean better bonding between its proponents. Good move Carl! HAHAHAHA!

We all met up at the range yesterday at around 5 in the afternoon. We had to wait for Jean, who was coming from Ocean Park Manila, so we told the others to go ahead while Kristoff, Dervin, and I waited. It was just the three of us in the range - three alumni. We reveled in that fact. Dervin put on the "mood lights." It felt just like old times. Yuck, alumni senti moment! Carlo would meet us there since he was coming from work.

Jean arrived a little past 7, finally allowing us to leave. Kristoff drove Jean's car as Jean wasn't really allowed to drive long distances and, well, she didn't wanna. HAHAHAHA!

We got to Carl's place at around 930. We immediately decided to EAT. Sure, Jiggs, Dervin, and Filbert wanted to play chess, but WHAT THE HELL!? Tilapia, inihaw na liempo, and talong were on the menu. All that would've been enough to satisfy me. But wait! The real treat was in the container next to the rice-cooker. Hot BULALO! The fat and bone marrow were floating freely in the warm broth. As soon as you eat, you feel the warmth in your chest as the fat and marrow work their way down. Pare, gumuguhit yung taba! It was awesome.

After dinner, Dervin and Filbert introduced a game. They called it Werewolves, but I knew it as MAFIA.

MAFIA/WEREWOLVES

Y2-2012 taught it to me during out exposure trip. It's basically a "card game" where, depending on the card you draw, you need to fulfill a certain role. Using a regular deck of cards, drawing a King makes you a "Killer", an Ace makes you an Angel, and a Jack makes you a Detective. The rest are simply "Villagers." Only YOU should know your own card. No one knows who the Killers, Angel, and Detective are in the beginning. One player will be "God," who makes the game move, but cannot affect the outcome. The game takes place over a set of "rounds." In each round, the Villagers "sleep" (they close their eyes). During this "sleep," the Killers, Angel, and Detective perform certain actions which may or may not result in the "death" of Villagers. When you "die," you're basically out of the game and cannot contribute anything. After the "sleep" phase, the Villagers all wake up and find out who had died during the sleep. They then have to try and "vote out" the Killers by accusing other Villagers. This is where the true fun starts because during this phase, one can say absolutely ANYTHING in order to win votes against a certain person. For example, I can say that because this person is acting suspiciously quiet, he is one of the Killers. I have to convince the rest of the Villagers to vote against that person. I can even claim to be the Detective even if I'm not as long as I persuade the others to see my side. Of course, the accused can defend themselves and even turn the accusation to another Villager. The Villagers "win" if all Killers are voted out. The Killers win if they are able to kill or vote out all the villagers. The Angel and Detective are there to help the Villagers survive and figure out who the Killers are.

I know the rules seem a bit complicated, but once you start playing it it's very easy to learn especially since "God" gives instructions on what should happen every round. However, while easy to learn, playing well is a different matter altogether. How very apt that Y2-2012 taught me this game because it's absolutely perfect for Psychology majors! One's intuition and powers of observation are put to the test as well as the ability to express convincingly one's case. It's just like a Psychological Case Report! It is extremely fun and extremely addictive.

Dervin and Filbert's Werewolves was the exact same game upgraded. For one thing, they had a set of cards, which they themselves made (And sipag naman!), that contained the different "roles" for each person and a short description of the function of the role. "Killers" are called "Werewolves," the "Angel" is a "Doctor," and the "Detective" is a "Sorcerer." The ability of the Sorcerer was modified, allowing him to look at the card of one person per sleep phase. New roles with special abilities were added. The "Little Girl" can open his/her eyes anytime, even during the sleep phase. The "Escape Artist" can escape death once and the "Pawnshop Owner" has the one-time ability to kill one Villager. Other than these modifications, it's pretty much the same game.

One highlight that I simply must share happened in the game that I was a Werewolf. I said that I was the Sorcerer and accused a fellow Werewolf so as to clear me of all suspicion for the rest of the game. I said that that if I was wrong and he wasn't a Werewolf they could vote me off next. They voted him off. MUEAHEHAHEHAHEHA! He didn't know what hit him and neither did the rest of the Villagers. Sadly, I didn't win that game due to the efforts of the Sorcerer and the Pawnshop Owner, but that game was simply priceless.

I must also commend Monique for being an awesome Werewolf. Flying below the radar FTW!

So, people, if you're interested, let's play MAFIA! Or Werewolves. Either way, it's loads of fun.

Drinking followed Werewolves. There weren't any hard drinks, so we drank beer. Red Horse Pale Pilsen. We tried playing the Category Game, but didn't get very far since beer wasn't strong enough to get people drunk and people were starting to get full. Some interesting categories that came up though were car models (not brands), watch brands, basketball teams (Crispa FTW!), types of wood ("morning") and types of birds ("swallow").

After we realized no one was gonna get drunk, we just decided to spend the rest of the night "bonding." We just sat around, talking, reminiscing, bitching, backstabbing, and so much more. Jean, Carl, Carlo, Kristoff and I stayed outside chatting, mostly about the ARPT, the differences between then and now. The cool Tagaytay air was audience to our memories, drawing them out and blanketing the night with their emotions.

We stayed up all night, up until Carlo had to leave to go to work. The Saturday morning sun tucked us in.

I woke up at around 10am to a hearty breakfast of longganisa, beef tapa, and eggs and a discussion of the Gods and Goddesses Archetypes over the meal (Go Sir AJ!). The food was delicious. I was excited for lunch already!

Kristoff and I bonded while waiting for lunch. We had a lot to talk about. It seemed like the day wasn't enough. The rest watched Push and played cards. We just enjoyed the breeze and talked about the future, about his dreams of being Don Corleone, about MONEY and POWER, about The Godfather! :P Oh yeah! Kristoff, shame on you for spitting on that dog! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Lunch didn't disappoint! Bangus belly, lengua, chicken adobo, and MORE bulalo! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARL! ☺☻☺

Hehehe... I hadn't been to an ARPT-peeps outing in a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time. I needed this. It was quite revitalizing. Thanks to everyone to made it! Thanks for inviting us Carl!

We are so young, our lives have just begun
But already we are considering escape from this world...

Perseverance

Mon, 04 May 2009 11:52:26 GMT

Started boxing at Moro today.

Geez.

Halfway through I felt like my lungs were going to explode. Horribly low stamina and terribly unfit. I don't even know how I allowed myself to get talked into it in the first place. It's probably the boredom. At least boxing gives me something to do for an hour and a half. Of course, there's also the whole "losing weight" motivation, but really, that won't happen anytime soon if at all, so it's far from my mind. So, yeah, boredom (and lots of Hajime no Ippo).

I don't plan on quitting though. That's just not the kind of person I am. I'm gonna see it through to the end, even if it was a decision made on a whim. Who knows, seeing this through might reap some rewards. For now though, it's something to pass the time.

Soul On Fire (Acoustic) - HIM

Rock Band Bromance

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:42:59 GMT

Rock Band 2 at Blue Skies with Apags last Thursday morning. It was my first time.

Met up at Skies at around 930am. We went early to secure a spot. I must say, Skies has excellent equipment. The guitars were of good quality and the HDTV was beautiful, not to mention huge. The track selection was also pretty extensive, though I was disappointed to find that they didn't have a single Iron Maiden song (*hint hint*).

I rocked the guitar while Apags took to the bass. Apags was confident enough to play on Extreme as he frequents RB quite a bit. I'd played Guitar Hero before and am an avid fan of the series, so I figured I'd do well enough in RB as the guitar setup shouldn't be too different. That in mind, I resolved to play on Hard difficulty from the get-go, having been playing on Hard and Extreme in GH. And, playing on anything below Hard is just not fun. There are hardly any scaling runs and hammer-on/pull-off combos, the notes are few and far between, and the timing is just too slow. No fun at all. If I fail, I fail (and fail I did many times). But anything worth doing is worth doing badly! ☻

Apags gave me first pick, so I scanned the selection and found one of my favorite GH songs: Carry On Wayward Son. I was curious to see how different it was on RB. It wasn't much different, but it was just as fun, especially during the sweet-ass solo. Much love Kansas! After the song, I thought to myself, "I could've done it on Expert." That marked the first and only time I'd score higher than Apags. Hahahahaha! Apags chose next, picking Highway Star. It was long and tiring, but extremely fun.

We took turns choosing songs. Notable were the RHCP songs (which Apags thoroughly enjoyed, I'm sure), metal songs like My Curse and Indestructible (which I thoroughly enjoyed despite their difficulty), The Kill (which killed since I played it on Expert), and Detroit Rock City (which caught my eye in Mall Cop and was very enjoyable). We'd chill out with rest songs like Message In A Bottle, which was easy even on Expert. We also went for demonic songs like Master Exploder and Painkiller, both of which chewed us up, seeing us fail miserably. The System of A Down songs were also quite difficult.

Later, another group took to the RB stage in the room next to ours. Apags and I constantly sized them up, checking out the songs they were playing and the difficulty they chose to play on. They were chumps. We gave them a little taste of Metallica's Blackened, which we failed once or twice (hahahaha), but on harder difficulties than the chumps in the next room were playing.

We played for around 3 hours that morning. In fact, we weren't even aware we had been playing for that long until 2 and a half hours in. That's how much fun we were having, I guess. At P280/hour, it was very expensive fun, but quite worth it. It would've cost us less if we had more players though, since it's only P380 per hour if all 4 instruments are used. Sulit! After getting bring Rock Band devirginized, I highly recommend it for those who, like me, are dying of the heat-boredom combination of the summer break. And don't forget to invite me! I can sing, too. Hahahaha!

Apags and I had lunch at Pancake House and it was then that we realized a disturbing truth: we were on a man-date! Hahahahaha. Ah, the splendid scent of BROMANCE! Next time, we'll invite more people on our RB runs. ☺

Fuck the friendship...

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 14:44:21 GMT

WATCH ME!

This speaks for all men who have ever been "that guy." It speaks for all those guys who have ever been blatantly patronized with such labels as "such a good friend" or "such a nice guy." It speaks for the makeshift pillows that catch tears cried for someone else, as if that comforting shoulder isn't even there. It speaks for the person who has always been there to feed female egos, but is always overlooked. It speaks for Cyrano, who longs for a Roxanne who could never see past his nose.

The "Friends Zone" isn't a very friendly place. If anything, it's frustrating and annoying. "It's just not enough."

And if you think it's all about the sex, you'd be wrong. It's about being seen as a guy and not a walking tissue. It's about being seen for what one is worth after being "that guy" for so long. It's about being seen and recognized and regarded. Sex is a very attractive plus, I agree, but I doubt if any man would steal a car, drive 9 hours, put up with so much shit, including going to prison, just for a meaningless fuck. It's about so much more.

But, just like Hitch said, women can't seem to see past themselves. Like Roxanne, they can't decide whether they want Cyrano's genius or Christian's good-looks, so they believe they deserve both. You gotta be able to pump iron and write poetry. That's why the "Friends Zone" exists. That's why guys always have to deal with the "nice guy" and "good friend" labels. That's why, even though nice guys to deserve a break, they'll hardly ever get them.

I can understand that. Women want the best. They believe they deserve it. Hell, I believe they deserve it. Who cares about "that guy" anyway? Who cares if he was always there for you to pick up the pieces when "the best" broke your heart? Who cares if he's being taken for granted?

Oh, and I'm sure you're wondering, "Then why does 'that guy' persist?" Why, after all the shit he knows he's putting up with does he not just up and leave? And then you realize that that's a silly question. Just because you won't love him back doesn't mean he can't really love you. Indeed, "Fuck the friendship." That guy deserves so much more.

Of Pizza Pandesal and Dandelion Wine

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 21:38:12 GMT

I was invited by my students to their block party last Thursday. It was a small get-together of my Psych block, block Y2 (InTACT CCCC), at Anj's place in LGV. Having missed the block Christmas party due to work, I very much wanted to be present at this school-year-ender. Needless to say, I'm quite glad I didn't miss this one.

Anj's house was beautiful without being gaudy. It was a house for a family. How fitting that this little get-together happened there.

When I arrived, many of them were already there. Joi, Clau, Chiong, Jerome, Alexa, Clara, and, of course, Anj were watching American Idol. I was also introduced to Anj's mom. As usual, Adam Lambert destroyed everyone else. They should just end the season early and award him the damn contract. No one else even comes close to deserving it. We were all in consensus on this matter. Hahaha. A platter of chicken wings lay in silent temptation on the table. Who was I to refuse? :P Jerome seemed a bit distraught since there was a tiny problem with his Math project. He was having difficulty relaxing, so I tried to calm him down.

Soon, dinner was served. The spaghetti was delicious, complemented well by the chicken wings. But the true highlight of dinnertime was the pizza pandesal. The concept was simple. Meat sauce and cheese on a pandesal half. The result was fantastic. Anj's mom said it was a staple in the Caguioa house since Anj was in high school, but it was the first time any of her blockmates had tasted it. I'm thankful for having been there to experience it for the first time with them! -drool- Hahahaha!

Moments after we started eating, Julia, Patty, and Judde arrived, followed closely after by Joseph and Maita. I felt a bit under-dressed, having just thrown on a collared shirt and jeans, when the prescribed attire was "Gossip Girl." :P Everyone was dressed to kill yo! Joseph looked particularly snappy in his 70's inspired getup. His hairdo, or lack thereof, completed the ensemble. Hahahaha! Toombs arrived last, having come from a prior commitment.

With most of the cast in place, it was time to drink! Despite not being a drinker all, 'coz I'm allergic, and regardless of the fact that I'm still an InTACT Homeroom Adviser, I chose to have a few drinks with them. Not too much, though. After all, I don't wanna lose my job or my life for that matter. Had the first drink with them for the toast, care of Jerome. It was a light vodka-Sprite mix with slices of orange to add a sweet citrus taste. The alcohol was barely noticeable, so no problem there.

After the toast, we played a drinking game called King's Cup. Well, I didn't really join, but had a couple of shots when the game called for it. The game was dependent on a deck of cards. The deck rotated, each person drawing the top card. Each number and face card represented an action that needed to be performed or determined who would take a shot. So, for example, ace = touch your face, six = chicks (take a shot), queen = converse in questions until someone fails or falters, etc. Now, if someone draws a king, that person adds a liquid to the "King's Cup." The person who draws the last king must drink the resulting mixture. That in mind, restrictions were imposed. You can't add solids and bodily fluids. Hahahaha. A much appreciated decision.

As the game pushed forth, Jerome seemed to be getting the lion's share of shots. Halfway through, his face was as red as a spanked bottom! No one, however, got it worse than Clara, who drew the last King. She had to drink a mixture of water, alcohol (vodka, I think), and (you won't believe this) the oil from the chicken wings. -gag- Poor poor Clara. Gotta hand it to her, though. She actually drank it! Very well done!

The rest of the night was spent just chillin', enjoying each others' company. We all just sat around, talking, watching Chiong and Jerome burn up the dance floor, watching Patty try to get the simplest magic tricks of Clau, and, of course, drinking. I didn't drink too much, but Joseph had me taste some of the drinks he'd mix up. I quite enjoyed his version of the Tequila Sunrise. His mixtures were sweet, effectively masking the taste of alcohol. Tiny indulgences never hurt anyone, though, I think I would've indulged a whole lot more if I didn't have my allergies and responsibilities in mind.

More than the drinking, however, I enjoyed the little conversations here and there. I enjoyed the little stories and getting to know my students more. After years of listening to people say that intra-block relationships don't work, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that there were three existing couples within the block: Clau & Joi, Joseph & Maita, and Toombs & Judde. According to Chiong, another was one the way... :P (Intriga!) I smiled at the story of how Joseph and Maita became "official." I wonder what else Daddy Guev doesn't know... :P And of course, what I found out about Jerome and Judde as they sat on the hot-seat. Such interesting stories.

I wasn't spared from the hot-seat either. They asked, I answered. They wanted to get to know me, I shared a little bit of myself. Hopefully they don't respect me any less for all those things! Hahahahaha!

As the party ended and I sat in the backseat of a cab on the way home, I couldn't help but think about how lucky I am to have a relationship like this with my students. No one could have said it better than Joseph: "Ma-flatter ka naman, tangina ka!" Hahahahaha! If you only knew. :P To be able to build such a relationship with one's students, where openness and togetherness are abundant, is the pinnacle of joy for an InTACT Homeroom Adviser, who sees his students but once a week. To have your students want to be with you outside the 50-minute per week session is so much more rewarding than academic or even monetary success.

Which is why it saddens me to think that some Homeroom Advisers don't experience this. It saddens me that some Homeroom Advisers become nothing more than a 50-minute nuisance to stressed freshmen.

See, just recently, I've been hearing about some InTACT Homeroom Advisers who don't have a very good relationship with their students. From what I've been hearing, there may have been a failure to establish the necessary rapport with their students in order to build a relationship of mutual respect and sense of family. One, in particular, purposely failed eleven students because of how bad the relationship was (quiet na lang kayo kung kilala niyo siya). What happened there!? WHY did it have to come to that!? Sayang naman.

It saddens me to think that these freshmen, who are still trying to find their place in the greater scheme of Ateneo, do not have a "home" to go to in their Homeroom Advisers. More than anything, the feeling of "home" in the Ateneo is what these kids need. However, much worse is that the Homeroom Advisers, themselves, do not have the respect and love of their students. They fail to win the minds and hearts of their charges. I cannot begin to describe how invigorating and fulfilling it feels to have these. It'd be such a waste if one allows these to pass one by. Napaka-sayang.

I think all HAs desire to feel loved by their students. Sadly, not all HAs are worthy, for one reason or another. I can't help but feel lucky to have had such wonderful classes in my first year as an InTACT Homeroom Adviser. I can't help but feel lucky to have been deemed worthy. No matter how bad it gets in the future, this first experience will keep me going. My first students will constantly reinforce my desire to keep going. They will be my taste of summer when the rains don't seem to let up. It will be like my Dandelion Wine, so to speak; the essence and warmth of summer captured in a jar tucked away in my heart.

Thank you, not only to Y2 (InTACT CCCC) for inviting me to your party, but to all my students for inviting me into your hearts. Thank you for the Dandelion Wine I'll be carrying for the rest of my teaching career. :D

What a waste...

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 14:25:57 GMT

Wasting Love - Iron Maiden

Maybe one day I'll be an honest man
Up till now I'm doing the best I can
Long roads, long days, of sunrise, to sunset
Sunrise to sunset

Dream on brothers, while you can
Dream on sisters, I hope you find the one
All of our lives, covered up quickly
by the tides of time

Spend your days full of emptiness
Spend your years full of loneliness
Wasting love, in a desperate caress
Rolling shadows of nights

Dream on brothers, while you can
Dream on sisters, I hope you find the one
All of our lives, covered up quickly
By the tides of time

Sands are flowing and the lines
are in your hand
In your eyes I see the hunger, and the
desperate cry that tears the night
Spend your days full of emptiness
Spend your years full of loneliness
Wasting love, in a desperate caress
Rolling shadows of nights

Sands are flowing and the lines
are in your hand
In your eyes I see the hunger, and the
desperate cry that tears the night
Spend your days full of emptiness
Spend your years full of loneliness
Wasting love, in a desperate caress
Rolling shadows of nights!

Wasted Years - Iron Maiden

From the coast of gold, across the seven seas
I'm traveling on, far and wide
But now it seems, I'm just a stranger to myself
And all the things I sometimes do, it isn't me but someone else

I close my eyes, and think of home
Another city goes by, into the night
Ain't it funny how it is, you never miss it til it's gone away
And my heart is lying there and will be til my dying day

Chorus. So understand
Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years
Face up...make your stand
And realize you're living in the golden years

Too much time on my hands, I got you on my mind
Can't ease this pain, so easily
When you can't find the words to say, it's hard to make it through another day
And it makes me wanna cry, and throw my hands up to the sky

Chorus. So understand
Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years
Face up...make your stand
And realize you're living in the golden years!

My beloved Iron Maiden knows me so well.

After graduation, every birthday adds more and more pressure for you to make something of yourself, building on all the years of your existence. The pressure to get a decent-paying job, to move out of your parents' house, to be able to stand on your own two feet, to maybe start a family -- to basically become an adult -- grows with every birthday. You begin to look at what you've accomplished thus far, scrutinizing all those years of education and development, and try to make sense of all the muddle you left along the way. All those test you studied for, all those relationships you built, all those activities and endeavors that you gave yourself to -- they all contribute to the pressure, too. You begin to question the relevance of it all. You begin to doubt whether it was all worthwhile. You begin to see how much time it is you wasted. And then the pressure to make up for all that lost time sets in. You feel the need to hurry things up and achieve. The seniors get a taste of it, calling it the "senior syndrome." But trust me, it's the years immediately after that really start to get to you. As of last Saturday, I've got 23 years worth of that pressure on my shoulders.

Dr. Ramos hit in on the head when she told me, "When I look at you, I see the past." I was clinging too much to all my frustrations, my disappointments, my wounds. She told me to just let go, saying that no matter how brilliant I am, I wouldn't be able to move forward if I kept holding on. "All that brilliance," she said, "is meaningless if you keep dwelling on and brooding over your past." It'll all just go to waste if I don't share it with the people around me. She said that if I keep living in the past, all I'll end up with is bitterness. If I keep dwelling on frustrations, disappointments, and wounds, I won't be able to focus my energies on what I do well, leaving me with nothing but hostile envy for those who get ahead of me, but whom I believe aren't deserving. Dr. Ramos assured me that I have so much to offer, so much to give, especially love. But how will those around me ever see that if I leave my heart in yesterday? She got me. All this time, that's why I haven't been able truly achieve and truly build relationships. All this time, I've been so distant because I've been picking at old wounds. All this time, I've been giving a large part of myself to brooding and griping. All this time, I've been only been wasting love.

Maybe, hopefully, one day I'll be an honest man...

I have to let go. That's what Dr. Ramos said. I have to stop dwelling on those wasted years and live my life NOW. People usually look to the past when searching of "golden years," thinking it should be somewhere there. Perhaps that's what leads to a whole lot of disappointment and regret, especially when one believe the chance for golden years has passed. Often, we fail to realize that we are the ones who make those golden years. Often, we fail to realize that golden years are always made in the NOW so that they can be looked back on tomorrow. Often, we fail to realize that we are still alive, and being such there is always a possibility for happiness. No matter how much we've lost, no matter how much we've failed, no matter how much we've been hurt, there is still the history we are making TODAY. "Cut your losses and move forward," says Mr. Pagsi. Don't waste your time searching the past for golden years that can be made today!

23 years. It doesn't seem as heavy if I focus on number 23, this year, now. Dr. Ramos said I should be reborn this birthday. I'll take that one today at a time.

♦

My destiny calls and I go!

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 23:16:35 GMT

Your result for The Who Would You Be in 1400 AD Test...

The Knight

You scored 42% Cardinal, 33% Monk, 29% Lady, and 68% Knight!

You are the hero. Brave and bold. You are strong and utterly selfless. You are also a pawn to your superiors and will be lucky if you live very long. If you survive the Holy wars you are thrust into you will be praised for your valor and opportunities both romantic and financial will become available to you.

Take The Who Would You Be in 1400 AD Test at HelloQuizzy

The Knight...

Don Quixote de La Mancha...

In my heart, I know it's what I want to be, who I want to be. "A knight with his banners all bravely unfurled," righting wrongs and fighting in the name of God, justice, and love. But as it is, my current self isn't even close to attaining my ideal self. As it is, I'm just a man, so deeply broken, living in the past. Dr. Ramos sees it. She sees right through me. She reads me as if I were as simple as a print ad. She tells me I could be the "Alpha Male" I want to be, only I'm living too much in the past. No wonder I can't seem to take up the knightly armor. The baggage I'm still carrying is weighing me down enough as it is. My brokenness crumbles under the enormity of the weight. I am nothing more than the Knight of the Woeful Countenance.

Dr. Ramos told me that in order to fully claim my title, in order to fully be the "Alpha Male," I have to cut my losses and move forward. I have to stop clinging to the past and devote my energies to the work in the present and to the future I want for myself. In recognizing and helping me recognize my own brokenness and the baggage I'm carrying, Dr. Ramos made me feel more worthwhile and appreciated than I have in a long time. She made me want to move forward and recreate myself. That's something I will forever be grateful to Dr. Ramos for.

It really comes as no surprise that Dr. Ramos is so well-loved and deeply respected, and I don't know how I was able to go my whole undergraduate Psychology life without once having her as a teacher. I guess it's no wonder Tita Baby wanted to throw a small party for the last Appraisal III session. Not only would the party be a celebration of the semester that was, but also an early despedida for Dr. Ramos, who would be taking a sabbatical break next year. It also served as an early birthday celebration for me and Grace since today is our birthday (3-21). So, after class last Thursday (well, during class, actually), we all went to Tita Baby's house in Makati to celebrate.

I can't really explicitly share everything that transpired that night in Dasmariñas. I'll try to make it as clear as possible without breaking confidentiality, but due to the holes in the story, things might not make a lot of sense from hereon in.

Tita Baby's house was beautiful. Most of the furniture was Indonesian, which got Sister Wina quite excited. Like a kid in a candy shop, she couldn't help but admire everything. She was getting a taste of home right here in the Philippines.

Dinner was amazing. We were served soup first (I've never actually been served soup before!), then the buffet dinner was opened. Pansit, chicken lollipop, spring rolls, roast chicken; Pochi and I took advantage of it all! Dessert came after dinner. Three cakes and fruit salad... *drool* There were candles on two of the cakes and Dr. Ramos was asked to blow out the candles of one cake while Grace and I blew out the candles on the other (Happy Birthday!). I took a slice from the two most sinful desserts: the caramel cake and the mocha mousse cake. "Sin on a plate!" I told myself.

There was a little bit of drinking during dessert. We all had wine. I took red. Tita Baby had a solid collection of hard drinks which were all relatively untouched. So, some indulged in cognac (Remi Martin, no less). While drinking and having dessert, we listened to recordings of Sir Glen's original compositions. He wrote all kinds of music, from grunge to choir to 60's tunes. He played most of the instruments, sang, and even arranged the songs. There seems to be no limit to his talents. Grace and I were asked to sing. I sang For Good albeit not very well (I'm sorry! I wasn't really exerting much effort. :P). It was fun.

What followed served as the closing activity for Appraisal III 2008-2009. We all got a chance to say our piece. We were all able to express our thanks and admiration for Dr. Ramos. Dr. Ramos, in turn, addressed each one of us with her final words. Everything was going well and we were all learning from Dr. Ramos' words.

And then, things started to turn sour. Somewhere in the middle of Dr. Ramos' address, things got a bit out of hand. I began to feel bad for all those involved, for all those affected, for all those who might not be able to handle what was happening. At first, it was only mildly annoying, but slowly, I was getting a little pissed. Even Dr. Ramos wasn't spared from it. In fact, I think she was the should have been affected. I wanted it to stop, but didn't know how to do it given the circumstances. It's a good thing Dr. Ramos knew how to handle it. In fact, what she did that night, with the walls closing in, showed us all how experienced a Psychologist she is. She kept her cool and neutralized the situation calmly. Seeing the way she handled herself in that situation was truly a learning experience. Cherry put it beautifully when she said, "If I could just be half the Psychologist that you are..." If I could just be half the Psychologist Dr. Ramos is, I think I'd be confident enough to declare that "A knight with his banners all bravely unfurled now hurls down his gauntlet to thee!"

The party ended at around 11. It's probably the longest class I've ever had (3pm-11pm!) and definitely the class where I learned the most in a single session. I'm quite thankful to have had the chance to take one of Dr. Ramos' classes. Having taken it, I feel I've become a substantially better Psychotherapist. I feel bad for all those who weren't able to, and won't be able to, take Dr. Ramos for any Counseling Psychology classes. Parang kulang yung Counseling Psych education nila.

To all my Appraisal III classmates, thanks for the semester that was! Thank for helping me grow and learn about myself. Thank you for being there with me as we all took the journey towards inner growth.

To Dr. Ramos, thank you. For all the things you deserve thanks for, thank you. :) Thank you for helping me slowly don the armor of Don Quixote de La Mancha!

I am METAL, not some ass-kissing whore!

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 19:10:06 GMT

I guess I just needed to be told. And, boy, was I told!

Sworn in the Metal Wind - LOST HORIZON

~Walking in the shadow of life's dreary side
Fallen down memory lane
Winds whip the world, just like the woes whip my mind
Where is that time when "right now" was The words
When the heart burned with will like a flare
All I now keep is just damned commonplace misery...

Hey man! What is this?!
Sounds like wail of a wimp
Did you let loser side take command?!
Where's the warrior in you
And the spirit he got?
You say - "lost"
No! It's somewhere inside
And you know there's a force that unites all of us
Leave the wasteland we together will!
If you're broken, remember, you got faith within us!
Take now your next deep breath and revive
your old strength!

Facing the abyss of heart's lonely grief
The bitch has polluted my soul
Rains flood the earth, just like the tears flood my eyes
Never again will my life be the same
Nothing can heal up my wounds
Guile and disgrace shall now follow me into the end...

I just can not believe it
It's too weak to be true
Have you really forgotten your worth?!
Can't you see victory!?
You are now free again!
Look at me!
Yeah! I live my own life
If you once tasted treason from a female - leave that!
Every warrior has a gash on his sword
Don't forget you are metal, not some ass-kissing whore
Take some under your wings, but she must kiss the ring!

Winds of metal, make me once again
Feel clear air's breath blowing in my wings!

I possess magic force
I am free in my words
While the world lays right below my feet
Life of duties and dogmas are just frames formed by rats
How'd I know?
Hey! I'm a guardian of truth
Now! Is really the time to wake up you old jade
Such as Phoenix spreads his firewings
I will help you remember by kicking your ass

And the will shall return
And again hearts shall burn
All the horns now will sing
Leading you back to the metal winds!~

Story of my life! Hahahaha.

I had my second case conference yesterday. Karen reported. It was very much a continuation of the first report done by Cherry and truly illuminated parts of myself that, until now, I had either denied or had not been aware of. My frustrations, my incessant grandiosity... Well, I'll leave it at that since I can't disclose much.

First of all, thank you to Karen for surprising me with the content of the report. Without it, what followed would never have happened.

Thank you Dr. Ramos, and the rest of my Appraisal III class, for making me realize who I am. Thank you for showing me that I don't need to proclaim it to the world - I need only be it and people know it. Apparently, people already know it. I don't know about being a "great man," but it's nice to know that people do think highly of me, that even in the Psych Department people think so. Thank you for removing much of that self-doubt.

For the longest time, I've been living with jumbled lines of undisciplined passion. Thank you for reminding me of the arrowhead those lines need. Thank you for helping me remember by "kicking my ass." We all need a bump on the head sometimes.

(Gosh, adhering confidentiality makes this quite difficult. Hahaha!)

Thank you to the religious for trying to sell the Society. I don't know about signing up, but thinking about it allows me to reflect on what I'm missing in this life, on what my spirituality needs.

Finally, thank you Dr. Ramos and Sister Wina for the hugs at the end of the day. I had almost forgotten how good those feel.

I see why you're the one of the best, Ma'am, if not THE best. Thank you for not pulling any punches with me. I needed to hear all that. Thanks for the free therapy! ☺☻☺

Focus. That's what I need. That's what I should pursue. That's how my passion can be transformed into achievement, how ideals can be turned into reality, how dreams can be reached.

If greater learning about the self is the objective of the course, I think I should get an A. Hahahahaha!

Of The Socety and Schizophrenia

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 10:49:03 GMT

Belief if not a matter of choice, but of conviction.

Shinedown - I Dare You - Acoustic - Shinedown

Went to PETA yesterday to watch Saan Ba Tayo Ihahatid Ng Disyembre? Dr. Ramos required us to write a psychological report on one of the characters, so we had to see the play. Met Cherry at Ateneo and took a cab to the PETA theater, somewhere in New Manila. It was a little bit of an adventure since neither of us knew where the fuck the place was, but thanks to Zindy, we were able to find it.

Zindy was already there when we arrived, but we were immediately faced with a teeny, tiny little problem: there were no more tickets for the 3pm show! Apparently, there was some sort of school field trip and the show had already been fully-booked. Faced with such a dilemma, Zindy, Cherry, and I decided to watch the 730 show instead. We reserved tickets and thought about hanging out at Gateway until showtime.

Sister Wina, Fr. Arun, Fr. Julius, and Fr. Karl (collectively, "The Religious") were supposed to watch the 3pm show with us, so they asked us to wait for them before heading to Gateway. When they arrived, they decided to watch on another day instead because they all had class at 6pm. It was then that Sister Wina extended an invitation to her house, the Faithful Companions of Jesus (FCJ) house, for merienda, to which we all happily accepted. The Faithful Companions of Jesus are basically the female arm of the Jesuits. "Female Jesuits," so to speak.

As soon as we got into Fr. Karl's car, I jokingly told the religious, "No priest talk when we get there!" Hahahahahaha. Lemme explain that. See, ever since the case conference on me last Thursday, the religious have been, uhmmmm, "eye-ing" me to join the Society. Sister Wina started it, saying that, since I'm still single and have a very deep connection with Ignatian Spirituality, she can see me becoming a good Jesuit priest. "Why not give it a try?" she asked. On this day, since I was venturing into Jesuit territory, I was probably not gonna hear the end of it! Hahahahaha.

I was right...

The FCJ house was beautiful. The driveway had a very European feel to it, with hedge walls and streetlamps. The simple chapel exuded an understated elegance and was quite moving in its simplicity. Inside, we met Sister Mary Ann from Malta, who was particularly proud of her Maltese culture. And why shouldn't she be? Malta is probably the most Catholic country in the world, boasting a whopping 98% Catholic-by-name percentage and 75% practicing-Catholic percentage. Plus, Malta was one of the few countries, if not the only country, ever mentioned by name in the bible (in Acts 28). Hell, given all that I'd be proud, too! She was really nice. :)

Over turon, bananacue, and isaw, we talked religious stuff. Ironically, I started the whole thing. (Good job Kenny, "no priest talk" indeed...) I asked the religious a whole lot about their choice of the religious life, from their vocation stories to life in the Society. I listened attentively, asking more and more questions, learning more and more about the Society. It's all about finding where you best fit, really, and then taking the leap for what you truly desire. Fr. Karl referred to the pearl of great price, the great treasure for which one will sell everything. "It's really a radical choice," he continued. Before I realized it, I was caught in the sales-talk of the religious, their invitations beginning to be more and more obvious and blatant. Fr. Karl said, "You know, before I joined the seminary, I was just like that, also asking many questions about it." I laughed it off. Then, on the wall of the house, they saw a message saying something like, "God always keeps a door open," or something. It felt like God was playing a practical joke and I was the punchline. BAD JOKE, GOD! BAD JOKE! Hahahahahaha.

As we left the house to go back to PETA, I got a few "So, what do you think Kenny?" here and there from the religious. Hahahaha. "I don't know yet," was my reply. I can't safely say I'm saying "No" to it, really. I do feel very strongly about Ignatian Spirituality and how necessary it is for the betterment of the self. But I don't know if I'm for the Society. I don't know if it's for me. There are things I want to do that I feel like I won't be able to do if I make that commitment. I don't think I'm ready to sell all my belongings for that pearl of great price. I don't think I'm ready to make that kind of choice. I don't think my conviction is strong enough.

Zindy, Cherry, and I went back to the theater for the show. We had to wait a couple of hours since we got there early, but the wait wasn't so bad since we had each other to keep us entertained until they opened the doors.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about the play on the whole. On one hand, the acting was definitely top-notch and the dialogue was pretty good. The set design was well-done, minimalist with little surprises here and there (can anyone say "swimming pool?!"). The story, in the beginning, helped stimulate critical-thinking and analysis. "It's all about choice," Angelique said.

On the other hand, while the dialogue within individual scenes was very well written, the scenes were disjointed. They seemed to lack a central theme towards which the dialogue could revolve around. New themes and ideas began to pop up from out of nowhere, only to disappear just as quickly. Also, much of the meaning of the play was spoon-fed. Definitions for psychological concepts such as dopamine and schizophrenia were actually given, written into the play as mini-monologues. They should have just left the interpretation of these things to the audience instead of immediately making assumptions for the audience and attaching labels to behaviors. I loathe plays that spoon-feeds its own meaning, robbing the audience of the opportunity to interpret things on their own. Finally, the ending simply sucked. It was a cop-out ending. It made it seem as if the whole play didn't matter at all, like it was all trivial from the very beginning. You spend much of play thinking and analyzing and really questioning only to find out that it was all imagined, that none of it mattered at all. It was as if the play ended with the main character waking up from a bad dream. All your critical-thinking and analysis go out the window. The ending was a blatant insult to anyone with any form of intelligence. By the end of the play, "It's all about choice" didn't matter because no choices were really made. They were all just IMAGINED choices, no real impact, just like the play.

So, no, I didn't quite like the play. I could have. Really, I could. It was very entertaining and intellectually stimulating (in the beginning). But the negative points just couldn't be ignored and they killed much of the experience. The spoon-feeding and the cop-out ending killed it for me. It was like the play began on a upward slope only to come crashing down, losing all impact and force.

There was, however, one line that I zeroed in on, one line that stimulates my thinking until now. Antony said, to explain why multo exist, "Iisa lang ang nararamdaman ng mga patay: pag-ibig." It's something I'll write about when I get to reflect about it.

So, the play sucked. Zindy, Cherry, and I went over to Kowloon House to eat after the play. Thank God I had them or else the night would have truly been a waste of time. More than the play, the bonding with Zindy and Cherry made a difference. Thanks guys!

Uninspired

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 16:47:53 GMT

adj.
1. having no intellectual or emotional or spiritual excitement; "the production was professional, but uninspired"
2. deficient in originality or creativity; lacking powers of invention; "a sterile ideology lacking in originality"; "unimaginative development of a musical theme"; "uninspired writing" [syn: sterile] (Princeton University, 2006)

a.k.a. mediocrity

That's how I think of it. That's how it's gonna be. That's how I'm currently feeling.

I apologize in advance. I apologize for not being strong enough to stand by my standards and hold onto my integrity. I apologize for not having fought for better.

I'm actually pretty frustrated with this. Soon the frustration will transform into shame and self-disappointment. Eventually, self-loathing. Going through it in my head, I cringe and seem get that taste of semi-thrown-up stomach fluid in my mouth. Gah!

This is gonna suck.

-sigh-

I'm on my way...

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 18:39:04 GMT

Carry On Wayward Son

This afternoon, it was my turn to report for the Objective Personality Tests Case Conference. In case you're wondering what that is, it's basically me presenting my Psych Report on my client while the rest of the class would ask questions and comment. The goal is to help. "Free therapy from future Psychologists," Dr. Ramos would say. I had been stressing over this all week, especially after last week's case conference debacle.

To be honest, after reporting I didn't quite feel that I did very well. It wasn't because of the reporting itself, although it definitely contributed. It was more of the questioning that followed. I had classmates actually questioning my interpretation of my client's test scores, challenging the very picture of the individual I presented, and dissecting my diagnostic impression of my client. One of them even questioned my objectivity, saying that my closeness with my client clouded my judgment and made the results biased. Shouldn't my interpretations hold more ground since I was able to spend more time with the client and gather more information? It was a bit insulting, really. No, it wasn't that I couldn't answer the questions that irritated me. Hardly. I just really don't like repeating myself, and most of the questions were focused on the same thing. Obviously, my reply would be the same, emphasizing different things to suit the wording of the questions. Furthermore, the root of the questioning seemed to lie in the fact that my hypotheses on my client's personality did not seem to match theirs. Now, I won't claim my hypotheses as absolute truths, but what gives their hypothesis such greater validity than mine that they need to keep insisting on it, overlooking mine?

When my integrity as an examiner was questioned, I just couldn't help but feel insulted. I found absolutely no basis for the claim other than the fact that my diagnostic hypothesis did not seem match theirs, that the picture I painted of my client did not seem to match their image of him in their minds. I did concede that perhaps my report was limited to my client's more current and pressing needs rather than delving into the person's past and drawing hypotheses and conjectures from there. But if the aim is to help, and given the short period of time for interpretation and recommendations, wouldn't it be more practical to focus on immediate needs first and leave Psychoanalysis for those more capable?

I answered each question to be best of my ability, basing my answers on the information I had gathered from my client and the test results, and conceding to the obvious limitations of the study. It was all I could do.

Needless to say, I was at a bit of a loss on whether or not I actually did well. Having the very backbone of my diagnosis panned sucked the little confidence I had right out of me. Worse, I didn't know if the report would be helpful to my client anymore after my integrity was questioned. And then, Dr. Ramos stepped up to the place. She wanted to pose a question that would "...challenge [me] as a therapist." I held my breath and thought, "Okay, here she is to hammer the final nail on the coffin." She asked me what I would do and how I would react given the same situation and experiences of my client (can't disclose it). I said that I HAD experienced what my client experienced, so to some extent I understood what he might be feeling. I told her that I reacted quite the same way. What she said surprised me. She said, "Very well said." Then, she turned to the class and said, "I want everyone to take note of what Kenny did. He did something very beautiful." She said that I was able to draw from my own experience and find a point of resonance with my client, allowing me to better understand what he must have been going through. She continued by saying that, in therapy, what truly matters is not how much knowledge you have on the theories, but how you can find a way to truly relate with your client. With that, I felt redeemed.

But the best part was yet to come. After class, Dr. Ramos told me that I did extremely well on my report. She commended me on my preparedness and my communication skills, saying that the presentation was done very professionally. Furthermore, she said that I defended extremely well. That, to me, was the most important thing, that amid heavy panning and even having my integrity questioned, Dr. Ramos saw me hold my own well. She even went so far as to say that my presentation could pass off "out there" as a professional case conference. It didn't seem like she was patronizing me. I can tell when people do. From the expression on her face and the tone of her voice, I really felt like she was genuinely proud of what I did. That would've been enough, really. I could look back on the experience and be proud. But here's the icing on the cake. Now, I'm not sure how close to verbatim this is. Dr. Ramos said, "If I find similar cases, maybe I could refer them to you."

KABOOM! Huzzah bitch!

That was it for me. I didn't want to show it, but inside I was jumping up and down with pride and joy. I didn't even know what to say, so I stammered through my "Thank you, ma'am." I was just so damn proud. -sniff-

World of Psychology, I'm well on my way to making a name for myself on your face!

My Friday the 13th

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 21:09:34 GMT

Hoping things wouldn't go wrong on Friday the 13th, I spent the whole day preparing for Ma'am Cara's Advanced Personality class. It was the day of my lecture on the biological perspective of personality and I was nervous all day long. Sure, I had already done the report a semester ago, but this was definitely something new. It was a new class with new personalities and I was going it alone, without Mondy to be the butt end of all my jokes (hehehe). Furthermore, everything they are to know about the biological perspective, they'd get from me (since Ma'am Cara wouldn't be lecturing on it anymore). Fucking up was not an option.

I read, reread, and got sick reading all the articles, praying I wouldn't fuck up a lecture for graduate students. I saw it as a good opportunity to not only make a name for myself in the annals of the graduate program, but also as a way to prove I actually had the ability to teach (not to mention great practice). Who knows, Ma'am Cara might put in a good word for me in the Psych Dept.

As Ma'am introduced me for the report, the pressure mounted. Introducing me as her assistant, she mentioned that the report Mondy and I gave last semester was the best; thus, the repeat performance.

The lecture itself started out a bit shaky seeing as I had to orient them in some pretty technical stuff. I had to explain the neuron and its different parts, how information moves through the body by way of neurons and synapses, and what neurotransmitters were. I also included a slide on the brain and some of its functions. I tried to be as basic as possible, only focusing on what they needed to know to help them understand the journal articles I'd be reporting. Interesting as I tried to make it, the audience, er...class, was cold. Blank stares met my enthusiasm as I quickly went through the basics.

Things started to warm up, however, when I got to the articles. The first article was about the biological correlates of sensation-seeking, meaning the biological bases for thrill-seekers. Yes indeed, being too chicken to go on thrill-rides like roller coasters can be explained by internal, biological characteristics. According to the article, it has little to do with what we've learned from society or any childhood experiences. It's all about the biology of the human body and how it reacts, physiologically, to different stimuli.

The second article was much simpler, talking about the localization of emotions in the brain. Basically, those whose left-frontal area of the brain is more easily aroused generally express more positive emotions. Negative emotions are more greatly associated with the right-frontal area. Take note that this doesn't depend on the size of the brain part rather which brain part is aroused more. The audience was more responsive to this article and reacted more. I'd jokingly say, "If you want your kids to cry less, lobotomize the right-front part of his brain! A hammer and nail will do."

The last article, and by far the most interesting, talked about differences in mating tactics between men and women and how evolution has affected these tactics. Findings of the study: (1) Tactics used are determined by what the opposite sex wants. (2)Men seek to "maximize copulatory opportunities" (bring on de zex!) while women hold back for the best mate. (3) Men use display of wealth and resources more than women because this is what women look for. (4) Women use making themselves more visually attractive because men look for signs that the female is "ripe" for reproduction. (5) Finally, the most employed, and most effective, tactic is not exclusive to any sex, that is, having a good sense of humor! By this time, the class was reacting very well. They'd laugh at my little jokes like, when talking about "maximizing copulatory opportunities," I said, "For men, the oath is, 'Tall, short, fat, or thin, we are sworn to put it in!'" They'd express surprise and awe at clams the study makes such as if women play coy and hard to get, they become more desirable. "So, kung panget ka," I said, "play hard to get para magustuhan ka!" Laughter. It was wonderful.

From time to time, Ma'am would comment, "See? No one could do this but Kenny. Imagine me saying that! I couldn't!" It felt really good, and the reactions from the class only made it better. It's difficult to really put into words, but imagine how you'd feel doing something you love and being praised for it by people whom you respect. It's not that hard to imagine.

After class, I was met with much praise from Ma'am students, but the cherry on top was when Ma'am Cara said, "You'll probably be doing this every sem, assuming you don't have class at that time."

☺☻☺

Me happy. Too much to put into words.

~♣~

Out of the frying pan and into the fire, something was bound to happen on Friday the 13th. Apags asked me to co-host with him at an event at Mag:Net in Bonifacio High Street and I, reluctantly, agreed. So right after class, Apags, Al, and I went over to Makati to the event. We basically just had to introduce bands and keep the audience interested while the bands were setting up. Nothing too big, but then again, I've never really hosted anything before, so I left much of the work to Apags and Al - Al being a professional host.

The hosting was nothing short of a train wreck in my opinion. We just made fools of ourselves for a cold audience. We settled for the smallest reactions and tried to work off that energy, but we were really dying up there. It was kinda sad.

The event itself wasn't a total loss. Sure, most of the bands totally sucked balls, but Up Dharma Down was great. Their singer is damn HOT! Also, the place was swarming with hot chicks. I got a couple of smiles and that was enough to keep me going.

But the true highlight of the night, at least for me, was the last band, To Kill A God. My brother had told me that Lex, his friend, was part of a new band called To Kill A God, so seeing it on the list got me curious, but I wasn't sure if it was the same band. When Lex walked into the place, I was sure. Being an acquaintance, I greeted him, saying I was looking forward to their set. I knew it was gonna be metal. I knew I was gonna love it. Needless to say, it was the best band all night. It was heavy, technically sound, and I couldn't help but headbang to the sheer force of the music. I sat in front at the request of Lex and held his glasses while he brought the house down with his beautiful vampire-red guitar. The music was so heavy and so loud that I was left partially deaf afterward. No joke. It was awesome! \m/\m/

The event was a good end to a potentially stressful day and a really tough week. What better way to end a tough week than with METAL!?

Painfully Exciting

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 18:38:13 GMT

It's 2 o'clock in the morning and I just finished my Psych Report for Dr. Ramos' class.

Forgive the simplicity of this entry. I have the biggest headache. It's not really throbbing, but I feel like my skull is getting smaller at the temples, crushing my already exhausted brain. I've been working nonstop since the start of the year and it's finally caught up with me.

But all the work, and the subsequent pain, has been absolutely worth it and I'm quite excited about a few things that all the hard work will bring about.

Not only did I do extremely well in both the Reflection Paper (95%) and Psychological Evaluation Report (91%), but also, Fr. Waji assured me that I did "very well" in the midterm exam. Academically speaking, I'm still on top of my game. Because I did well on the Psych Report, I'll be reporting on it next week, so I'm quite excited about that. I'm also a bit nervous since Cherry, who did the report on me, also did well and will be reporting, too. Lots of incriminating stuff there.

The work I've been doing with Ma'am Cara on her research, while already quite rewarding experience-wise, might just be headed for a bigger pay-off. Nothing's for sure yet and I don't wanna jinx it, but there is a possibility it might be published with, get this, ME as one of the co-authors! Ma'am Cara informed me yesterday, saying that I did a big chunk of the work. Both Ma'am Cara and I are praying hard it reaches publishing. Exciting!

Another source of excitement is Ma'am Cara's new client. I'll be helping out again and we'll be meeting him for the first time this Friday. It's a different case from the last one, but in many ways very similar as well. I'm glad Ma'am Cara is letting me help out again. I'm quite looking forward to it.

Looks like more work is on the horizon. More excitement, too. Wish me luck!

Now to get some Advil... I'm getting dizzy from the pain. :P

Something To Brag About

Sun, 01 Feb 2009 17:09:57 GMT

It would've been enough if Ma'am Cara just used the Power Point presentation of the report Mondy and I did for her Advanced Personality class last semester (on the Biological perspective on Personality) for reference. Both Mondy and I knew we kicked the shit out of that report's ass. When Ma'am Cara asked me to send her the presentation, I already felt somewhat proud knowing that she would, at the very least, be using it as reference for her own obviously excellent lecture. I would've been quite happy with that considering how respected and revered Ma'am Cara is. The most I was hoping for was her actually showing the presentation to the class with my name attached to it (Mondy's, too, of course, but whatever. Hahahahaha. Juuuust kidding! Not really... :P).

What happened next took me by surprise.

It happened yesterday during my InTACT class' exposure trip. We had just arrived (horribly late) at Boystown and were waiting for the boys to come out. We had just found out that we were to conduct the activities outdoors since they had no place to put us. I was with my students, block Y2 of the BS Psych majors, just working out how the activities would have to adjust to the new venue, when I received a text message. Upon checking my inbox, I found that it was Ma'am Cara. She asked if I could be the one to deliver the lecture on the Biological perspective of Personality using the presentation we used last semester, albeit with a little tweaking.

It took a moment - one that seemed to go on forever as it was happening, but was, I found, too short to savor when it had finally passed - for the stimulus to register. It was one of those moments when I just had to excuse myself from the group to let what I had just read sink in. Just the thought of Ma'am Cara trusting me with such a task was overwhelming enough, but the prospect of delivering a lecture for Ma'am Cara to graduate students simply blew me away. Those little details in between matter a whole lot. People older than me, with more experience than me and more learned than me, listening to my idiotic little rantings... I felt a very real chill down my spine with the thought.

Just then, I felt my heart do something. I don't know exactly what - whether it skipped a beat or beat twice as hard or both. But I felt it, as real and as overwhelming as a punch to the chest. And just as palpably as I felt my heart react to the news, I felt the happiness surge forth from my brain and into every fiber of my being. But first, it surged to my face. My students didn't see it, but my face was struggling with the biggest smile I could muster. I fought back the urge to keep the smile on as the activities began.

As I formulated a reply for Ma'am Cara, I was reminded of what Sir Weevens told me back in senior year. He said, "Tanggap lang nang tanggap." He said that whatever the Psych Department asks of you, give yourself a chance to try it and be open enough to take chances when they come. And with that, I enthusiastically agreed to do it. Chances, choices, changes. I was blessed with this chance. It would be utterly stupid to pass it up.

"An unexpected gift at an unexpected time," said William Forrester. The Man upstairs sure knows how to give 'em!

☺☻☺

"Little-boy Love"

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 17:26:07 GMT

I don't know if now, having lived and died the life of a man, I can write about little-boy love, but remembering it now, it seems the cleanest pain I've known. Love without desire, or conditions, or limits -- a pure and radiant glow in the heart that could make me giddy and sad and glorious all at once. Where does it go? Why, in all their experiments, did the Magi never try to capture that purity in a bottle? Perhaps they couldn't. Perhaps it is lost to us when we become sexual creatures, and no magic can bring it back. Perhaps I only remember it because I spend so long trying to understand the love that Joshua felt for everyone.
-excerpt from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

I, only recently, started the book and already I want to write about it. Sure, I've got two or three entries about American Gods waiting to be written, but a voice in my head told me that writing about what someone wrote about the Son of God simply cannot wait.

I've always believed that love is a gift, and that the essence of a gift is that it is always given. It should neither be traded nor sold, taken nor bought. It is always an act of extending yourself for the Other and in that extension one grows. You do not love someone because you can get something out of it. You love someone because you see something in that someone worth loving. And that love should persist through hellfire and brimstone, through pain and sorrow and even death. Loving should be done because AND despite.

Indeed, where does that love go? Do we truly lose it? Does it truly get buried under our sexual drives? Are the conditions we attach to the love we give so much more important and meaningful than the love itself? Do we care too much for ourselves so much so that we always look to what we could possibly gain? Has love become a commodity?

Honestly, I don't know. I can't speak for anyone else. Personally, I don't think it's gone. I think we've just lost sight of it. I think we're just out of practice. It's still there, but some things are just easier; thus, we choose those things.

Biff was probably right about where to start looking for it, though. That is, in the love that our Savior, Jesus (which is a translation of the Hebrew name Joshua, Yeshua), embodied in both life and death. People always say that it is impossible to love the way Christ did simple because he was God. People always forget that Christ was also fully human. Perhaps that's what we need to remember, that someone, a human being, in history had already done it. Perhaps, even though the Magi didn't quite bottle it up, the Gospels captured a fraction of its essence. Perhaps that fraction is all we need - just like Biff.

-phew-

All that and I'm only a few pages in. I just felt this couldn't wait until I finished the book.

Love. Pain. Glory.

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 08:06:35 GMT

Randy 'The Ram' Robinson: Goddamn they don't make em' like they used to.
Cassidy: Fuckin' 80's man, best shit ever !
Randy 'The Ram' Robinson: Bet'chr ass man, Guns N' Roses! Rules.
Cassidy: Crue!
Randy 'The Ram' Robinson: Yeah!
Cassidy: Def Lep!
Randy 'The Ram' Robinson: Then that Cobain pussy had to come around & ruin it all.
Cassidy: Like theres something wrong, why not just have a good time?
Randy 'The Ram' Robinson: I'll tell you somethin', I hate the fuckin' 90's.
~dialogue from The Wrestler

This conversation is reason enough to go and see this movie. Everything about it was just excellent. Script, acting, direction, soundtrack, even the independent feel of the visuals - everything contributed significantly well to the glorious and moving tragedy of Randy 'The Ram' Robinson. The masterful, award-winning, performance of Mickey Rourke as the eponymous wrestler made it doubly powerful. One will see that even in tragedy, the inner glory of a man can shine through. Truly Mickey Rourke's resurrection!

Watch it, whether or not you're a fan of pro wrestling. You won't regret it. AN ABSOLUTE MUST SEE!

The WRESTLER

Just a thought. For all intents and purposes, the film was a low-budget movie, but it was ten times better than any of the Metro Manila Film Festival movies that came out this year (or any year for that matter). Why can't we make films even HALF as good as this one?

I ♥ Audrey Hepburn!

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 22:04:46 GMT

Adam Canfield: Oh, you should see your face.
Reggie Lampert: What's the matter with it!?
Adam Canfield: It's lovely.
~dialogue between Cary Grant (Adam) and Audrey Hepburn (Reggie) from Charade

Just recently, I got my hands on a collection of Audrey Hepburn films (thanks to Metrowalk), which includes Breakfast At Tiffany's and Charade. Watching them, I came to an overwhelming, yet quite obvious, realization: Actresses, true actresses, are an endangered species if not already altogether extinct. Watching Audrey Hepburn, I realized that I cannot name any actress of today's era of films, from any nationality, who is as beautiful and talented as she. Sure, there are great actresses, actresses that win Academy Awards and make $20M a picture, but their performances pale in comparison to those of Audrey Hepburn.

Actresses today all act alike. They laugh alike, they get angry alike, they cry alike, they're made up to look alike. It's as if they're all just carbon copies of each other. None of them have something unique to bring to the table. None of them have Hepburn's wit and charm and poise and "spunk" (for lack of a better word), as seen in Breakfast... and Charade. None of them have the range that Hepburn exhibited in My Fair Lady. None of them them have unique and memorable personalities that shine through their onscreen roles. None of them have that elegant, yet easily malleable beauty of Hepburn's eyes and smile, which, I might add, are the most beautiful I've ever seen in an actress. They're cookie-cuter actresses, all of them. And to think women are supposed to be more empowered today. It certainly doesn't show in their onscreen ability.

Although, I don't blame the actresses entirely. I have to admit the writers are equally to blame. Nowhere in today's movies do you see dialogue like those of Hepburn and Cary Grant in Charade. Hell, you can't even find that kind of chemistry anymore. It's the kind that makes you fall in love with the relationships of the characters, making you smile when they're happy and cry when they're broken. Having also seen Gone With The Wind again recently, witnessing the comical yet dramatic love-hate relationship of Scarlett O'Hara (Vivien Leigh) and Rhett Butler (Clark Gable), I can safely say that the "Golden Age" of onscreen couples has passed, taking with it the "Golden Age" of actresses. Vivien Leigh was very much like Audrey Hepburn. Powerful expressiveness without overdoing it. Onscreen talent embodied in heart-breaking beauty (and a legendary waist-line!). But alas, those actresses and that generation of excellent films have passed. While I do enjoy today's films, watching the classics made me realize that the difference in quality is large in favor of the classics. It was as if those films were made with more love and care, more passion. I'm not saying today's films aren't. They're just not getting the same amount. The passion is felt with every frame of Breakfast At Tiffany's and Gone With The Wind.

As for Philippine cinema, well, I've lost all hope. To put it bluntly, our movies simply suck. The quality of our films, both in acting and in the visual quality, simply do not match up to those of Hollywood films. Comparing our films to the classics is quite disrespectful to the classics. They're not even in the same league.

I don't know where movies are headed. I don't know if I'll ever see actresses like Vivien Leigh and Audrey Hepburn again. I don't know if actors and actresses will be replaced by computer generated characters. I don't know if the quality of movies will ever be as good as before or if it'll all just be covered up by fluff and effects. I don't know if Philippine cinema can even hope to compete. But I do know one thing. I know that I ♥ Audrey Hepburn! ☻☺☻

Here's hoping we see Hepburn reincarnation in this lifetime.

☺ Happy Hell-Week ☺

Sun, 21 Dec 2008 18:26:56 GMT

Being the last week of classes before the Christmas break, I was expecting hell. Surprisingly, apart from the last couple of requirements I had to submit, it was pretty good. Better than good. "Chainsawesome" if you will. :D

Monday was potentially stressful because of the research critique to be submitted for Fr. Waji's class. It's good that I submitted it the Friday before, but because of Fr. Waji's fastidiousness, I was unsure as to whether or not the paper I submitted was what he wanted. He's just too anal! What could have been an easy enough paper was made difficult by all the formatting rules, paragraph restrictions, and specified instructions.

I would've been stressing the whole day if it weren't for the afternoon Roberta. We met up and had merienda at that Cantonese place at caf up, just to catch up and chat a little. Kamustahan, basically. It was nice having a real conversation with her again after so long (This is me missing Group Therapy sessions every week! HahAHAhAh!), plus her red-leggings-and-black-shoes combo looked absolutely suplexcellent! :D Meeting up with Roberta easily beat waiting at the Psych Dept. for Fr. Waji's class. Truth be told, it was more dreading than waiting, really. Sadly, the class isn't as interesting or enlightening as I expected it to be. -sigh- Still, it was a good day, having been able to engage Roberta in idle conversation. HahAhAHAHhAHhAHHAHA!

Tuesday saw me taking the 567-item MMPI. DAMN! Wednesday saw me ADMINISTERING it! Double DAMN! :P As if that weren't bad enough, both Tuesday and Wednesday night witnessed me burning the midnight oil, writing my 23-page reflection paper for my Appraisal class. While writing, I couldn't help but silently thank Dr. Ramos with every new page for moving the deadline of the Psych Report to next year. Otherwise, I'd have gone crazy cramming both papers for the Thursday deadline! Being Teaching Assistant to Dr. Ramos is definitely not easy, especially with how heavy the requirements for her class are.

It was, however, made all worthwhile when Dr. Ramos invited me to the Psych Dept. Christmas party. "Come as my GA (Graduate Assistant)," she said. Even though I didn't go, due to my Wednesday InTACT class and having to administer the MMPI to my Appraisal classmates, it felt good just to be invited. I felt as if I was one step closer to truly becoming a part of the Psych Dept. Not just as a student, mind you, but as a colleague. Keeping in mind that I'll be applying for the Grad Assistant position next semester, this is definitely a good sign of things to come.

Even better was Wednesday morning work with Ma'am Cara. Our goal that morning was to finish up what we had been working on all semester long and write it up. What was to be just another day at the office was made a little bit better thanks to an early Christmas gift from Ma'am Cara. Thanks Ma'am! :D After work, with a beso, it was goodbye for the Holidays. Slowly but surely, I'm being accepted as a colleague more than a student (I hope...).

Other Psych teachers are taking notice, too. Both Sir Weevens and Ma'am Pia commented on how much I've been doing for the Psych Dept in addition to everything else I'm doing. "You're crazy!" Weevens said. Then, last Wednesday, Ma'am Adviento trusted me with having her Psych101 long exam sent to the Mimeographing Office to be photocopied. Hopefully these teachers don't forget me when I apply for any job in the Psych Dept. in the future. I don't have much on my resume, so their backing is very welcome (and needed :P). HahAhAHaHAhAHAH!

Thursday was worst day of the week, and it wasn't even that bad. Having submitted my 23-page reflection paper, all that was left to do was administer the MMPI to the remaining students. A problem arose when Dr. Ramos said she had to leave before 2, which was the time the others were going to take the test. Worse, a large majority of the class wasn't able to submit the reflection paper before noon, which was the deadline. Dr. Ramos had already left. I asked around if someone had a car that could take the testing materials and the rest of the reflection papers to Dr. Ramos. In the end, the responsibility fell on my shoulders. I reached a compromise with Dr. Ramos to meet her daughter at Shoppersville so I could hand over the stuff. So after everyone had taken the test, I took a walk all the way to Shoppersville to make the drop. Above and beyond the call of duty bitches! :P HahAhAHAHahAhAHAH!

Happy hell-week ended with the InTACT M Christmas party last Friday night. Rode with Rachelle to Mia's house. With near-unlimited food (Karina's sisig, Eric's burgers, Mia's barbecue and lasagna - oh my! *drool*) and the company of InTACT M, it was a wonderful Christmas gathering. It was nice getting to engage my students outside of the classroom setting. Seeing of how they interact with each other outside of the classroom as well as talk to them about things otherwise unmentioned during InTACT sessions contributed to an absolutely priceless experience, to say the least. Too bad not everyone could be there. Sayang guys! Special thanks to Mia, who lent us her house for the party. With everything that happened, stresses and joys alike, this was a truly great end to a really good (hell-)week!

☻

Let the Christmas break commence!

CHRISTMAS TIME!